Author: Circe, circex@netscape.net Title: What He Wants Part: 4 Disclaimer: If I owned them Doyle wouldn't have died. 'Nuff said. Rating: PG. Status: The story is complete, the series is too. Summary: Pairing D/C, Takes place during and immediately after the events in 'Just Walk Away'. Doyle figures something out. Other: Feedback cherished. Dedicated to my beta-reader, Georgia, and to everybody who misses Doyle as much as I do. It's a rare thing in life that a man actually knows his hearts desire. Oh, he probably has a hundred or so guesses as to what it could be, but he doesn't know. I didn't either until just this morning. Until right this minute in fact. Cordelia. She's what I want. It isn't just her body either. I was going to say 'not anymore', but it was never just her body. It was her fire. Always. The first time I met her, as she and Angel came running to the car, I thought she was amazing. Most other women would have been screaming, terrified by what had nearly happened to her. Hell, most men would have been screaming too. But not Cordy. Back straight, stiff upper-lip, hair perfect, ignoring Angel and me for all she was worth. If I were a smarter man, I would have asked her to marry me on the spot. If I were a smarter man, I would have realized that I lost my heart to her that night. But I didn't realize, or ask. More the fool me. I knew that I wanted her around, knew I wanted her. I wasn't kidding or lying when I told Angel that she was a real stiffener. But I didn't know what I wanted until I followed her down to the docks today. I didn't even have an inkling of what I wanted until I watched her buy an ice-cream cone, smiling to herself and talking to her stomach. When in God's name did I turn into a moron? Don't answer that. I probably already know. It was when I lost Harry by not listening to her. She said she didn't care about the demon half, and she didn't. But I was an idiot and I lost her because of me. I know I was an idiot the day that I believed Cordelia cared more about the demon aspect of my person than she cared about the other parts of who I was, who I am. Even when I was going to tell her, that day on the stairs, I didn't believe that I would have a shot with her. And, poor fool me, believed that until she told me that 'demon' ranked way below 'short' and 'poor'. I should have asked her to marry me then too. Instead I didn't even get to ask her out to dinner. I didn't even know that I wanted to ask her to marry me. I am such a blind, stupid, pitiful fool. I died. I didn't tell her that I loved her, I didn't tell her that she was more to me than my own heart or breath, or soul. I kissed her goodbye and I died a coward and an idiot. Then I came back. And she was pregnant, with a whole life built up around her and no room for me. Or so I thought. And how stupid am I? That I didn't ask her that first day I was back, to marry me? I still didn't know what I wanted. Did I want her to have a place in my life, the baby in my life? Somedays, most days, I didn't want a place in my own life. Did I want a place in her life then? Did I want to be a part of the baby's life? Could I be? I didn't think I could. Watching Cordelia and Angel these past few weeks I was certain that any place there could have been for me was already filled. He'd known about the baby before I did, had heard its first heartbeats, he'd even been to the sonogram appointment. He'd helped Cordelia find a doctor, a job, and a name for the baby. And where had I been? I don't even know. I didn't know anything until just this morning. Until just this second. I can see Cordelia staring out at the Quintessa, with tears in her eyes. I don't know what she is thinking about, but I know what I want her to be thinking about. I want her to be thinking about me. I want her to be wanting me in her life. I want her to be wanting us to have a life together, her and me and the baby. There comes a time in a man's life when he has to realize what he wants. And I know. I want us. Now I just have to find the courage to go after what I want.