TITLE: Talking Through The Grief (1/1)
AUTHOR: Rebecca Parker
EMAIL: Buffonian@aol.com
DISTRIBUTION: Sure, but please ask first.
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: Cordelia and Angel talk out their grief.
SPOILERS: All of Buffy and Angel, especially "Hero"
FEEDBACK: Yes please! Seriously, I am entirely dependent on it, and I tend
to get cranky when I don't get any.
DEDICATION: First of all to Glenn Quinn and to Doyle. And to all the
saddened fans. Cordelia and Angel are talking out their grief, I am writing
out mine.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own any characters from "Buffy" and "Angel." Joss
Whedon and Mutant Enemy get all the credit, even though I am currently mad at
them because of "Hero."


"Angel?", Cordelia said, poking her head in the darkened office where
the vampire was sitting.
Angel looked up from the spot he had been staring at for hours and
turned towards her. "Yes?", he asked, his voice low, lower than usual.
"Do you mind if I come in?" she asked, already stepping inside.
Cordelia wasn't like a vampire. She didn't wait for an invitation.
Angel wanted so badly to say no, to turn her away. More than anything
right now, he just wanted to be alone. His semi nonexistent day with Buffy
had been enough to brood over for decades, and now with Doyle, he didn't see
happiness again anytime in his future.
He looked at Cordelia as she sat down across from him at the desk. If
possible, she was in worst shape than him. Her hair was pulled up in a
ponytail high atop her head, her face without a spot of makeup. That alone
scared Angel for Cordelia's welfare.
"How you holding up?", Angel asked, watching as the expressions forming
on her face gave away her misery.
"I think not good would be the understatement of the year," she said,
her voice sullen. Only yesterday, she and Doyle had worked on her stupid
commercial in this very spot. He had spouted the words of a hero,
foreshadowing his actions as one. And she had insulted him. The bravest man,
half demon, whatever, that she had ever met and she had put him down.
"It just all happened so fast, you know?", Cordelia said, her voice
shaking. "We thought we were safe and then...that light thing appeared and
the next thing I know, he's punching you."
Cordelia stopped, looking at Angel. "And the thing is, I stood there
with him. He kissed me and I just stood there. I could have stopped him"
Angel reached his hand over to hers. "You could have stopped him, its
true," Angel said. He sped up the sentence when he saw the look of utter
misery cloaking her face. "But if you stopped him, we all would have died.
Not just Doyle. You, me, all the half demons. Doyle sacrificed himself,
Cordelia. He's a hero."
Cordelia snorted. "A hero," she repeated. "Lots of good it is to be a
hero. Look at you and Buffy. She's the slayer and you're...well, I'm not
exactly sure what you are- all vampire with a soul dark avenger or whatever."
Cordelia saw the look Angel was giving her. "Anyway, that's not the point.
You guys are out there every night being heroes, saving lives. Buffy's
stopped the apocalypse more times than I've shopped at Dolce and Gabbana. And
what do you guys get for it? 'A love that can never be" Cordelia said
dramatically. "A lot of those going around lately."
Cordelia leaned over and picked up the picture frame sitting on Angel's
desk. As she turned it around, she wasn't surprised to find it was a picture
of Buffy. From the looks of it, it was taken right before Angel had gone
through his whole "Angelus" phase.
"Nice picture," Cordelia said, putting it back down on the desk. "Buffy
in the sunlight. How did you swing that? SPF 3000?" she asked, forcing a
small smile on her face.
"No," Angel said, looking the picture over. "Xander. He took it for me,"
Angel said, forcing himself to look away from Buffy's image. "This was before
he really hated me. Back when he was just jealous of me, before he hated me
for trying to kill him and all his friends. Before I...succeeded," Angel
said, his eyes darting down guiltily at the memory of Jenny. Every night when
he went to sleep, when he closed his eyes, he relived the horrors of that
action. Of chasing her through the school. Of brutally snapping her neck. Of
delicately placing her body in Giles' bed. Of drawing her still figure. Of
kissing her cold lips, reveling in the atrocity he had just committed and the
grief that would come after.
He had thought about it a million times. Hated himself a million times.
But tonight, the memory hit him harder than ever before.
"Angel?", Cordelia asked again, breaking him out of his reverie of guilt.
"It wasn't you," she said, seemingly reading his mind.
"You're wrong," Angel said, sighing. "THAT was me. That was my true self.
I am Angelus. This," Angel said, pointing to himself, "This brooding vampire
with a soul, Angel. This isn't really me. This is the mask I'm forced to
wear. And one day, more than anything, I'm scared that its going to fall
again. That's why I wanted to be the one...the Promised One... the hero. I
wanted it to end on a high note. But Doyle..he didn't have that in him. He
was good, pure and simple. The things he wanted to atone for, that he died to
atone for, they were nothing compared to what I've done. Now he's gone, and
I'm still here, worrying that one day, I'm going to lose it again, and no one
will be safe. Not you. Not Buffy. Not Kate. Not..." Angel stopped suddenly, a
tear falling down his cheek. "I almost said Doyle."
By this time, Cordelia was crying along with Angel. She usually prided
herself in her icy exterior. She wouldn't let anything get to her, or appear
to get to her. But on rare occasions, in the hospital after she had found
Willow and Xander together, or in a moment like this when a man she was
falling hard for gave up his life to save her own, among others, she couldn't
help it, and the scared Cordelia Chase, the one with the bruised heart that
no one thought existed, came out of its shell and broke down. "Angel, you'd
never let that happen again. You're too careful," she said, wiping away her
tears, which were soon replaced by new ones.
"Am I?", he asked, his voice full of self loathing. "I feel like its so
easy to give in. The temptation is so strong sometimes. Sometimes I want to
give in. To say to hell with it all and give in to the passion and damn the
consequences. That's why I had to leave. Had to leave her. I fed off her, and
no matter what the reasons, that was the first step. If I stayed, it would
have seemed so easy to go further. I would have wanted more. And taken more."
"But you left," Cordelia said, tightening her grip on Angel's hand as if
to comfort him. "You did the right thing and left."
"Yeah," Angel said, sighing. "I left. And it wasn't even 3 months until I
saw her again. Gave in again. We made love without finding out first if it
was safe."
"But you were human. Of course it was safe. Barring of course, you used
protection."
Angel shook his head. "We didn't even do that. Its not like either one of
us thought we were going to need it."
Cordelia sighed. "OK, well, that's a different issue. Lets deal with one
at a time."
"No," Angel said. "You're not going to deal with anything. You're not
safe around me. Souled or not, people I get close to tend to die. I think its
time you found another job. Angel Investigations no longer exists."
"What?", Cordelia asked, exasperated. "We're through? Angel, you're not
thinking straight."
Angel shook his head. "No, Cordelia. For once I think I am. I know you
need the job and all..."
Cordelia cut Angel off, angry now. "You think this is just a job to me?
OK, true, I need the money, but this is more than just a job to me now. Its
what I do. Its what WE do. And if we stop now, what good is that going to do?
You'll go back to being Brood Boy full time, and I'll go back to eating food
I stole from parties. You have no idea how desperate I was before you found
me, Angel. At Russell Winter's house, I was practically ready to do anything
to succeed. Anything. And he wasn't even a Hollywood guy. We end this know
and we go back to our hellish existences and all those people who need help
die. Do you have any idea how many people you've saved?"
"What does it matter if you cant save the people you care about the
most?", Angel asked, his voice breaking.
"You cant help it Angel. You save the people you can save. Doyle just
wasn't one of them." Cordelia stopped then, her eyes filling with more tears.
"Have you...have you talked to Harry?", Cordelia asked. "Does she know?"
Angel nodded.
"How did she take it?". Cordelia asked, wiping the tears away.
"Not well," Angel said. "I told her about the Scourge. She had heard
about them in her studies. She's talking to some of her contacts, seeing what
they can do. She said more than anything, she was proud of him. She said she
always knew he had it in him and was glad that he finally realized it too.
Even if it meant..."
"...that he died," Cordelia finished.
"Yeah."
"Its not such a bad thing to be a hero, I guess," Cordelia said, sighing.
"I mean, the pay is crappy and the benefits suck, but in the long run, I
guess its worth it. Which is why we have to go on," Cordelia said, leaning
closer to Angel. "Its not fair to Doyle. If we stop, cliched or not, he died
for nothing. You're letting his death stop you from saving others. And more
people will die than the ones he saved."
Angel knew Cordelia was speaking the truth. He could always depend on her
for an honest perspective. "I just want you to be safe," Angel said.
"I will be," Cordelia said, letting herself smile a bit. "I have you to
protect me."
Angel nodded. She was his number one priority now. She was all he had
left. "I will," Angel said. "I'll always protect you."
"I know," Cordelia said. "There's no shortage of heroes in this office.
Speaking of," she said, her face taking on a begging quality. "Can we watch
the video again?"

The End.