TITLE: Say Goodbye
AUTHOR: Candy Kane
EMAIL: candykanes@hotmail.com
DISCLAIMER: "A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend." I own the idea. Joss
and David own Cordy and Doyle, and my unforgiveness at killing off Doyle.
All the lyrics featured throughout the story are the property of their
artists and writers. A list is at the end. I claim nothing. I live in the
land known as denial.
DISTRIBUTION: The Cordy and Doyle Brigade, Oblivious Much? , The Powers
That Be, my site, and anyone else that wants it. Just ask.
COUPLE: C/D
SPOILERS: Angel - post "Hero". Follows an alternate timeline.
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: Doyle watches over Delia. Angst ensues.
Author’s Note: This is a companion piece to my story "When You Feel All
Alone" You can read only one to get it, and it doesn’t matter which you
read first. You read both, and you get a better understanding.
I’m getting into the angst tonight. I don’t know why.
Feedback is nice. Flames are bad. But I would love you forever if you would
just email me so I won’t feel so sad. :-)
This one is for Pryde, who has inspired me to write C/D fic.





<There is some love that will not go away>


I had watched My Princess ever since the accident had happened. I knew I

was a ghost, sent only by my request to the Powers That Be. At first 

they were reluctant, as I was a half-breed, and had disobeyed their 

orders more than once. But they also realized that I had very strong 

feelings for her.


Feelings that were almost too strong to bear. They told me that was the

reason I was killed. Only they called it "sent away". All because I fell

for the girl. I still laugh at the irony of it.


<You wouldn't know that I was there

Cause I have been there all the time

And if I had my way I'd hold you in my arms

And leave this madness all behind.>


They thought up a fitting punishment I suppose. While watching Cordy 24

hours a day, 7 days a week is like my own heaven, the lengths to which I

had to get here were hell itself. To spend weeks lusting and crushing, 

and only allowed one kiss from my lady fair. The one kiss that changed 

her mind about me, and paved the way for us to be together. And then 

that damn little thing called death that got in the way.


<Damn my situation and the games I have to play

With all the things caught in my mind.>


Did I also mention that I could look but not touch? The agony I had felt

when I first reached for her and went through her was tremendous. I 

didn’t think it was a punishment until that moment. To always be able to 

look, and never feel. I might as well have me own life back. That’s how 

it was with us before. Only now, she really can’t see me.


<Is there a chance in hell or heaven

That there’s still something here to build on

Or do you just pick up the pieces after they fall.>


Cordy was in denial. She still is. She thinks I will walk in the door at

any moment, with my handsome looks, and my sensual accent. Well…not 

really, but t’was fun to think about though, wasn’t it? Aye, she does 

probably still think about me, but not as much as I think about her. I 

think she’s dealt with loss so much already that she already knows how 

to finish with the pain and move on. I wish I could do that. But alas, 

no. Another condition from the powers that be, one of many it seems.


<Well I know it

It’s a shame

A shame I can’t show it

I see it

I can see it now

But I’m so far below it.>


Cordelia has been given a gift from yours truly. It may not be a big and

expensive gift, but it was the only thing of value I had left from my

miserable life. In the beginning she saw it as a curse, but now she sees 

it as a reason to keep fighting, to believe that there is a chance that 

some good could come into the world. She has a part of me inside now.


<Please forgive me – I know not what I do

Please forgive me – I can’t stop lovin’ you

Don’t deny me – this pain I’m going through

Please forgive me – if I need ya like I do

Please believe me – every word I say is true

Please forgive me – I can’t stop lovin’ you.>


The "sent away" part is something that I have a real problem with. I wasn’t 

to interfere with Cordelia’s destiny. She was supposed to leave the world 

soon, ascend into Heaven, and remain there for eternity. The Powers That Be

made that very clear. They told me they would do whatever necessary to keep 

us apart if it came down to that. I blame her possessed apartment and the 

demon that came after me that Angel helped take care of on them. They were

the cause of the Scourge, I know now. They never came out and SAID they did

it, but I can tell from their body language that it was no mistake or

coincidence. Delia and I were becoming too close, and her days were

numbered, as I was a valuable commodity due to those migraine-inducing

visions.


<I would die for you

I would die for you

I’ve been dying just to feel you by my side

To know that you’re mine.>


The evil beings that were after Angel, Delia, and I were really only after

just her. They were sent by the powers to finish the job. I knew deep down

that I should let it happen, but I couldn’t. She had done so much good, not

just for me, but for lots of other people as well. I couldn’t let her die.

So I stepped in, and saved her life. To keep the visions going, I passed

them off as a kiss, the only time I would ever feel such electricity and

romance for the rest of my…death, I guess you could say. Once I disappeared

into the white light, I was a lost cause.

< So where did you see me go

It's not the right way, you know

Where did you see me go

No, it's not that I don't know

I just don't want it to grow

It's not that I don't know. >

While everyone thought I went to heaven, I instead took a journey to the

"powers that be". They told me that I shouldn’t have interfered, that my

interference was the reason for my death. Then, they regulated me to
walking

the earth, following her every step. I was able to read her mind, her wants

and desires, and I was almost unable to walk for a while after reliving her

most vivid sexual dreams. The woman that Delia had become after my death

seemed to be the woman that had been hiding beneath the surface before,
only

catching glimpses every now and then. She was strong and able. Willing to

give her life for the cause. She became a fighter, and I was happy to see

her take the guilt and put it to good use kicking demon ass. She was still

my Cordy, and I was proud of her.

< And I’d give up forever to touch you

Cause I know that you feel me somehow

You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be

And I don’t want to go home right now. >

I see her now, sitting on my bed. She’s holding the note I wrote her. The

note I bared my heart and soul in. I only hope she can understand. I hope

she understands everything. That I had to say goodbye in my own way. And

this note is it. I’m just going to sit here and watch her. Try to help.

Then, I’ll have to say goodbye.

< Say good-bye to not knowing when

The truth in my whole life began

Say good-bye to not knowing how to cry

You taught me that

And I'll remember the strength that you gave me

Now that I'm standing on my own

I'll remember the way that you saved me

I'll remember

And I'll remember the love that you gave me

Now that I'm standing on my own

I'll remember the way that you changed me

I'll remember >

***********

Song #1 – "My Heart Will Go On" – Celine Dion

Song #2 – "I Wanna Be There" – Blessid Union of Souls

Song #3 – "Don’t Go Away" – Oasis

Song #4 – "Light In Your Eyes" – Blessid Union of Souls

Song #5 – "Little Black Backpack" – Stroke 9

Song #6 – "Please Forgive Me" – Bryan Adams

Song #7 – "#1 Crush" – Garbage

Song #8 - "Erase and Rewind" – The Cardigans

Song #9 – "Iris" – The Goo Goo Dolls

Song #10 – "I’ll Remember" - Madonna

***********