Title: Resolutions
By Nicollette Marquis McFadgen
Joss so doesn't deserve to own them, but he does.

This contains spoilers for Becoming 1 and 2, The Wish, and Heroes. This
is an NC-17 fic. Thank you to everyone who has given me feedback about 
my other D/C fics.


New Year. 2000, to be exact. My resolution? To stop crying so much; to get
out there in the world again; to not brood so much. No, wait, that last one
is Angel's resolution, although it fits me too, I guess. I'd resolve to not
have so many damn headaches, but thanks to Doyle and the Powers That Be,
that just isn't in the cards for Cordelia Chase. I guess I have stuff to
atone for too, that's why Doyle's vision passed to me.

They're not bad, really, I mean, if you like mind numbing pain and all. I
get to help people through my visions. Last week I saw that a this girl was
going to commit suicide and Angel and I got there a week early to stop her
and show her that things were okay. Yeah, okay, it's a bit like Quantum
Leap. I guess Angel would be Sam and I'd be Al, only I don't smoke cigars
and chase girls. I think Doyle should be Al. If he were here.

I miss Doyle. It's only been something like a month since he died. I've had
too many cocktails to say how many days for sure. It's funny how after he
died, I got his visions and his fun drinking habit. Angel does not approve
because he thinks he has to be my big brother or something. Not that it's
not nice to have a big brother, it's just that he acts like I should be so
ashamed of drinking when he does it and Doyle did it and half the world
does it.

I'm sitting in this cheap bar that Doyle used to frequent, watching all the
couples kissing in the New Year. I'm the only lonely one here. The bouncer
only let me in because he likes my breasts. In a few more minutes, Angel
will show up like he always does and take me back to my apartment. I'm sure
he was just sitting in the dark when the clock struck midnight. I asked him
to come with me tonight but he likes to brood alone. So here I am alone.

I sit there for ten minutes, finishing my last Long Island Iced Tea and
Angel hasn't shown up yet. Y2K must have wreaked havoc on his internal
Cordelia-Needs-Me-O-Meter. Because I do need him. Standing up, I give Joey
the cute college student bartender a parting smile before digging into my
bag for money. I hear Joey clear his throat and I look up at him. He's
holding up his hand as he says, "It's on me tonight." I just raised an
eyebrow. "It's New Years and we're the only two singles here." He shakes
his head as he reads my face. "No, no, Cordelia, don't think I'm trying to
pick up on you. You're not my type, your brooding, hulking dark friend is,
though." I can't help but smile. He's gay and for some reason that makes me
incredibly happy at the moment. "I just wanted to. . ."

"Thanks," I smile at him. "But I've ran up a pretty big bill tonight."

He shakes his head then says, "Can I call you a cab? I don't see Mr.
Handsome around so. . ."

"Yeah, I was just going to go find him."

"Let me call you a cab and give you a few dollars. You shouldn't walk the
streets at night; it's not safe."

I smile and give a little laugh that he doesn't quite understand. "Call the
cab, but you don't have to give me money. Do I look poor?" He blushes and
my smile widens. "Yeah, okay, I do, but. .."

"No, you don't, you just look lost."

**

Slamming the door behind me, I yell, "ANGEL!" Dropping my bag and my jacket
carelessly on the floor, I move further into the room, wobbling as my last
Iced Tea kicks me in my ass.

Angel exits his office and looks at me, worried. "Cordelia."

Narrowing my eyes and pursing my lips, I glare at him. "Where were you?
You're supposed to be taking me home now."

"Are you all right?" he asks. I can see that he truly is worried about me.
I nod and some of that worry fades. "I'm sorry I wasn't there. I was going
to come get you in just a minute but there's something going on."

"Going on?" I ask as I near him. His arm slides around my waist as he holds
me up. I guess he noticed my wobbling as well.

"Someone's here." Leading me into his darkened office, Angel tightens his
hold on me. My eyes focus on the strangest little man sitting in one of the
leather chairs.

"Who's that?" I whisper to Angel.

The strange guy smiles. "I'm Whistler."

I shake my head as Angel sits me down in the chair next to the guy. "Why
does everyone have weird names? Can't anyone who comes into this office be
Jack?"

"I can be Jack if that's what you'd like," he says to me.

"Kate's a pretty common name."

"She doesn't count," I say to Angel. He opens his mouth to speak, but I
silence him, "She just doesn't." Nodding to the guy who calls himself
Whistler, I ask Angel, "So what's his deal?"

"Actually, I'm here for you, kid," he says to me, his thick New York accent
lacing his words.

"Here for me?"

He nods as Angel perches on his desk, watching me closely. "Yeah. You see,
I'm sort of a balance demon."

"A what?"

"Balance," he repeats. "It's like this, evil and good compliment each
other. Too much of one isn't too good. You've seen the Phantom Menace,
right?" I nodded, remembering how Xander drug me kicking and screaming to
the theater right before graduation. "Well, remember Anakin, how he was
supposed to bring balance to the force or maybe that was. . ."

"Okay, I get the balance thing, just get on with it," I said, cutting him
off and bringing my hand to my head.

"Okay, okay. Don't get yourself so upset, kid." I just glare at him until
he continues, "Doyle." I stop breathing for a moment and quickly look at
Angel. His eyes are intense, but I can't read them. "When he was around,
things were balanced, things were good. Now that he's gone, it's tilting
the other way." I open my mouth to ask him how I am involved, but nothing
comes out. It's too early in the year to be bringing up Doyle. My mind
drifts and I already broke my resolution, I'm crying. "Whoa," the little
guy in a bad suit says. "I'm going to say good stuff in a minute, if you'd
just let me finish. Don't cry." I can see out of the corner of my eye that
he's looking to Angel for help.

Angel gets up off the desk then kneels down before me, his hands clutching
my shoulders. "Cordelia, this is important but there's no need to cry right
now. Whistler's here to tell you that Doyle's not dead."

I look up and take a shaky breath. Looking from the demon to Angel and back
again, I ask, "How. . .Where. . How?"

"This world is made of many dimensions, kid," Whistler says. "There's about
five main dimensions and three lesser ones. Then we think there's somewhere
around ten that we don't know about." I just look at him, shaking my head
slightly as I try to understand him. "Doyle's just in another dimension.
Doyle and I worked together, did you know that?" I shook my head. "Yeah.
The Powers That Be sent me him a little while ago to help direct him. It's
a small world, you know?"

"So. . ."

He smiles at me softly. "We can get him back. I've been ordered to get him
back."

"How can we do this?"

Taking a deep breath, he looks at me and I feel like he's sizing me up.
"What would you be willing to do?"

"Anything," I breathe.

"Are you sure?" he questions. "You sure it ain't just the alcohol talking?"

"It's not," Angel answers for me.

"Because to get him back, you've got to cross dimensions and that ain't
easy, kid."

"Tell me again why I can't do it," Angel says.

"She's bound to him, you're not."

"Bound?" I ask.

He nods. "The visions. He gave them to you, he didn't know he did, but he
did and thus bound you to him. You are the only one who could cross
dimensions and find him. Your visions will help you as well as that
internal beacon that you don't know you have."

I shake my head because all this has to be bullshit. "I've had too much to
drink." Looking into Angel's eyes, I ask, "Can I go home now?"

"Cordelia, don't you. . ."

I cover his mouth with my hand as I stare into his eyes. Slowly, I say, "I
feel sick. Please let me go home." By the end of it, I'm begging him in
this pathetic voice that I didn't know belonged to me. My hand moves down
to his shoulder and I use it for leverage as I try to stand up, but
suddenly, I'm being slammed back down into the chair, bright flashes of
light, blues, reds, and purples assault me. I feel like I'm being crushed
and then I can see. Dark. Cold. And then, Doyle. Princess. I can hear him.

Then just as quickly as the vision came, it left. It takes me a moment to
recover, but when I do, I realize that I've thrown up what very little was
in my stomach. "Sorry," I mumble to Angel, aware that I've most likely
ruined his shirt.

He shakes his head. "It's okay. What did you see?"

"Him," I whisper, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. "He said
'Princess'."

**

It's so dark that I think I've gone blind and I'm so cold that I can't even
feel myself. I've been traveling for so long. New Years, I had just enough
time to get three hours of sleep before preparing for my journey. Whistler
had told me that there was a time limit. If I didn't get Doyle out within a
certain amount of time, I wouldn't ever get him out.

There's a chance that I might get stuck in one of these weird places, but
he's worth it. I can see him in my mind sometimes as I walk. He says 'Don't
worry, Princess. Things will work out. They always do.'

Suddenly for some reason, I'm walking through the deserted streets of
Sunnydale at night. It's strange and I have this odd, odd feeling like
something just isn't right. I'm supposed to be in another dimension, so why
am I in Sunnydale? I cross Main Street, moving from the Realto to the
boarded up shops. I used to work in one of those shops. I wonder what
happened to it.

Suddenly, someone walks into my path and I collide with a solid body. I
look up at the chest. A well built body. Taking a step backwards, I say,
"I'm sorry." My eyes drift up to the face attached to the well built body.
"X-Xander?" I whisper in shock. He's wearing leather pants and jacket and a
wife beater shirt and I can't help but think that this is the best he's
ever looked. He looks dangerous and edgy.

"Cordelia Chase," he says.

I squint at him. I know he's not the real Xander because I'm not in the
dimension where the real Xander resides. "Hi."

He smiles widely like I'm the most amusing thing in the world. "Hi," he
repeats.

"Bored now," a female voice sighs to my right. My attention is drawn to the
leather clad skank that walks out from the alley. Holy God, it's Willow.
And, oh eww, she's licking Xander's neck. That's disgusting. I guess he
likes her push up bra. That's the only reason why he'd go for. . . I groan
as piercing pain lances through my skull.

'You don't belong there, Princess,' I can hear Doyle say. 'Find the portal
and get out now.' I shake my head, as if trying to fling the pain away.
Oddly enough it works and when my eyes focus again, I see Xander and Willow
making out. That's just gross. I back away, moving out into the street and
when I'm finally back at the Realto, I see Xander's face change. Oh. That's
why he looked so good. He's a vampire. Then it sets in. He's a vampire.

I start to run, trying to find the portal that will let me into the next
dimension. I can hear two sets of footsteps behind me. Willow and Xander
are chasing me. Like I was in a horror movie, I tripped on something and
fell down, scraping my knees and hands on the pavement. Pain tore through
my mind. 'Over there, Princess.' Looking up and over, I realize that
Doyle's telling me where the portal is. I can see it. It's right next to
that garbage can. Sighing, I pick myself up, hurrying to get over to the
portal before the vampires catch me. I can't help but think while hurtling
myself through the dark hole that is the portal that it would be nice to
have a portal that wasn't located next to smelly, rat infested places.

**

God, I'm so tired. I've just been sitting here on this weird floating
hillside for what seems like days. I didn't think it would be this hard to
find him. I don't know how long I've been trying but my body's telling me
that I've been away from my world for far too long. Whistler said that I
wouldn't need food, that it would just be like my body's functions would be
put on hold as I crossed dimensions and they have, but I would still like a
nice piece of prime rib with a baked potato with sour cream and butter. Or
just even a double decker taco from Taco Bell would do.

I feel weak and I'm beginning to think everything is hopeless. All these
dimensions just suck my will out of me. Laying back against the purple
grass and the green flowers, all the colors are backwards in this
particular dimension, I close my eyes, letting one arm drape over my eyes.
Even though Whistler said that I wouldn't, I fall into a deep sleep.

I dream of Doyle. "You're so close, Princess. Don't give up on me now.
There's not a lot of time left."

"I'm so tired," I say as I sink down beside him.

"I know."

"If I keep going, will I find you?"

"Yes," he answers as he draws me to him.

I place my head on his chest. "Promise me that I will and I'll get up and
go on."

"There are no promises," he says, "just faith. Believe that you'll find me
and you will. You don't have far to go."

"I'm so tired."

"I know. But you're strong. You're a hero. You'll save me."

"What is the dimension that you're in like?"

"Cold and dark. Not particularly painful, but it's solitary. I don't like
it here. I only get to see you through visions."

"If I keep going, will I find you?"

"Believe that you will."

I woke up and found that the hill had stopped floating. Pain. 'Believe that
you'll find me.' Getting up, I walk for hours until I find the portal. I
feel like I'm dead, but if I find him, it'll be worth it.

**

"God," I sigh as I peer through the darkness, my eyes eventually focusing
on a figure, curled up in the corner. I'm running towards whoever it is and
hoping that it's Doyle.

"Cordelia?" It's him. I sink down, practically on top of him as he sits up.
"I knew you'd come. You found me."

I just breathe heavily, examining his face as I settle myself down into his
lap. My hands cup his face and turn it from side to side, like I want to
make sure it's really my Doyle. "It's me," he says, picking up on what I
was doing. I still examine him, pinching his cheeks then moving my hands to
lift up his arms. It looks like him. Leaning in close to him, I sniff him.
It smells like him. I search his eyes for a long moment before I press my
mouth to his. My tongue sweeps into his mouth. It tastes like him.

I feel his arms move around me, holding me tight. One hand moves up to cup
the back of my head, pressing me further into the kiss. His tongue plunders
my mouth as my legs wrap around him and my own hands grasp at his body.
After what seems like hours of kissing, we pull back simultaneously.
"Doyle," I whisper in between sharp breaths.

"Princess." I bury my face in the crook of his neck as my arms tighten
around him. Tears pour from my eyes and soak his skin. I realize for the
first time that he's not wearing any clothes. It doesn't bother me, but my
hands begin to run up and down his back, feeling his skin, my fingertips
memorizing it. "Hey, now," he whispers. "Remember your resolution. No more
crying."

I shake my head as I pull back to look deep into his beautiful blue eyes.
"I meant sad crying. I've found you and these are happy tears." He just
smiles and I smile back at him. Then I remember. "How long do we have to
get back?"

He shrugs. "The time limit was on you getting here. We have as long as it
takes to get back to our dimension."

"We have all the time in the world?" I ask. He nods. "Good," I whisper.

The look he's giving me changes and then he says, "Cordelia?" He glances
down and my eyes follow him. I feel my face burn red as I realize that I'm
naked too. Strange. I was sure that I'd been wearing clothes when I'd found
him.

I chew on my lower lip for a moment, but then look up into his eyes and
smile. "Must be my reward for finding you, huh?"

"Reward?" he asks. I nod. "Must be mine too."

"Are you sure we have all the time in the world?" I ask as I feel his
erection grow beneath me. At his quirky smile and nod, I whisper, "Good,"
as I lower my lips to his. The kiss is intense. In some ways, it is even
more intense than the kiss we shared before he sacrificed his life. It
makes me tingle throughout my body. As I become aware that my erect nipples
are scraping against his chest, I pull away from the kiss.

"What?" he asks, short of breath.

"I've never done this before." He moves in, kisses my shoulder, then moves
his mouth back up to my lips. His teeth nibble on my lower lip as his hands
move down to cup my bottom. He lifts me and then suddenly, I'm sinking down
onto him slowly. My eyes widen and my arms tighten around his shoulders.
Taking in a deep breath, I choke out, "Oh my God."

I can feel his smile against the skin of my shoulder as his hands move back
up and wrap over my shoulders. With his hands, he presses me down, not
hard, but gentle and the sensation that one little move creates in me makes
my eyes close. "Are you okay, Princess?" he asks quietly, his accent as
thick as his voice is low.

"Doyle," I whisper.

He chuckles. "I've been thinking, you know. There's been a lot of time for
it and all." I try to concentrate on his words, but for some reason I'm
having a hard time. Why's he talking anyway? "Maybe you should call me by
my given name, Allen. I'd say Francis, but Harry's the only one who ever
called me that and she's the only one I let do it since, you know, I've
always hated it." I bite down lightly on his shoulder as my fingernails dig
slightly into his skin. He groans and nods, "You're right. It's a subject
for another time."

His hands move lower until they're pressing against my lower back. Slowly,
he pulls me forward and I gasp as I that movement makes him move inside of
me. My body begins to move on its own, rocking against him while lifting up
slightly and sliding back down. "Oh," I sigh.

My body begins to feel hot and cool all at the same time and I become very
aware of every place his body is connected to mine, starting with him being
inside of me. My mind fogs and it is a welcomed change that this time I
have no pain, unlike when my mind fogs with the visions. I can only focus
on him and the feelings he's creating within me. But then I get scared that
this isn't really happening. Maybe this is just another one of my
fantasies. Maybe I'm just dreaming this.

My eyes open and I start into his eyes. "This is real, right?" I ask. He
looks at me, his eyes unreadable.

"I hope so," he whispers. "Otherwise this is the sweetest torture the
Powers That Be have thrown at me yet."

I press my cheek up against his and sigh. It feels so real. His wet lips
kiss my cheek then trail down to my neck and suck, causing me to moan and
my head to fog even more. Without my really knowing it, one of his hands
moves from my back around my body and travels down to between my legs, to
where we're connected. His fingers begin a delightful stroke and I think
I'm going to pass out from the vibrations of our bodies. "Oh, I love you,"
I breathe into his ear.

"Princess," he sighs.

And then my body explodes in the most wonderful way. I can see stars
against my closed eyelids and there are little bursts of pleasure from my
fingertips to my toes. I'm no longer in control of my body and it feels
delicious. When I recover a little, I become aware that Doyle is moving me
up and down and back and forth. His breathing his heavy and I just watch
him as I pull back enough to get a good look at his face.

God he's beautiful. Suddenly, his eyes open as he lets out a small moan.
His face changes, like it did right after he kissed me that night, right
before he jumped over to the thing that was going to kill us all. It
doesn't bother me, his demon face. It goes away as quickly as it came and
when he looks up at me, his brow is creased. He's trying to study my face
to gage my reaction. But I didn't have a reaction. I can't stand the
worried look on his face, so I smile widely before I move my mouth down to
his. "I love you," he whispers when we pull away from the kiss.

It's then that we realize that we're in a room. We both look around,
wondering when it was that we left the dark place we had been in and got
here. . .in Angel's bedroom. I move off of Doyle, feeling a bit saddened by
the fact that we had to break our connection. As I get up off the bed, I
look down and I am clothed again and when I look at Doyle, he's wearing the
very same clothes he wore the night he was killed. I hold out my hand to
him and he takes it as he stands up. "Are we back?" I ask him.

He shrugs. "I don't know." Together we move up the stairs, not using the
elevator because for some reason it's been sealed off. When we reach the
top, we find ourselves in Angel's darkened office. It's obviously night
because there is nothing lighting the room. "Angel?" Doyle calls as he
motions to the desk. I guess he senses something.

And I'm right. The chair creaks and as my eyes get used to the dark, I see
a figure sitting in it. The figure draws his feet off of the desk and
places them on the floor as he leans towards us. Doyle advances, tugging me
along behind him. Now that I'm closer, I can see that it's Angel in the
chair and his eyes are squinting as he studies us. "D-Doyle? Cordy?"

"Duh," I reply, my brow creased at his confusion.

"Oh God," he whispers as he stands up. "Are you real?"

"Of course we're real, don't you remember sending me off to find him?"

"I remember, it's just that. . ." his voice trails off as he rounds the
desk and pulls me tightly against his chest. Woah, vampires can really hug.
In fact, the term 'crushing hug' would be the best to describe what Angel
is doing.

"What?" Doyle asks.

Pulling away from me, Angel says, "It's New Year's."

"What?" I ask. "You mean I haven't been gone that long? Man, it seemed
like. . ."

"2010," Angel says. "It's New Year's 2010, Cordelia."

My knees feel weak and all of the sudden I feel very, very tired. Doyle
supports me until he lets me sink down into the leather chair. I watch as
he moves to Angel and they embrace. When they break apart, they both turn
back and look at me. "I was gone for ten years?" I ask in an unbelieving
voice. "It felt long, but not that long, I thought maybe two weeks at the
most."

"Time works differently," Angel says as he kneels down before me. "I didn't
think you guys were coming back."

"Where's the weird little guy?"

"Whistler?" I nod. "He left a few months after you began. He was called
away."

"I'm twenty-nine," I whisper, still not being able to cope with the fact
that ten years had passed.

"Yeah, but you still have the body of a nineteen year old," Doyle says with
a smile.

Looking straight into the eyes of Angel I say, "I found him. I brought him
back." Angel's eyes began to sparkle as a smile cracked his face. "It was
worth it."

Later, we found ourselves gathered in the living room of Angel's apartment,
each with a glass of whiskey in our hands. I'd already told Angel and Doyle
of my journeys and Doyle had described the lack of fun he had in the other
dimension. Angel detailed his life after I left. It consisted of helping
when he could and a whole lot of sitting in the dark. He'd missed us, but
now we're back and ready to be the family we were. It seems unfair to me
that for Doyle and I, not a lot of time has past, but for Angel, he was
lonely for ten years. I have to wonder at how he survived.

I am about to say something when pain lances through my head and I jerk
back against the couch. I feel Doyle holding me tightly as I see a girl,
surrounded by red demons with knives. I can taste something salty and then
the vision disappears. I take a moment to get my bearings before I look at
Doyle, then at Angel. But before anyone can say anything, Doyle clutches
his head and it's my turn to hold him. His vision lasts just as long as
mine did and when he pulls out of it, Angel is just looking at the both of
us.

"There's a girl in a warehouse down by the docks," I say.

"Surrounded by about ten demons who don't look nice," Doyle says. "I got
the sense that whatever it is that they're doing, it's not going to be good
for the world."

"Are they there now?" Angel asks. Doyle and I both nod as all three of us
stand up. "I guess we're back in business," Angel says with a smile. "Are
you two ready to get back to work?"

I can't help but smile with him. I guess there's no rest for heroes;
there's no rest for us. But thinking about my future with Doyle, I don't
need rest. If fighting evil is what it takes to repay the Powers That Be
for allowing me to have him, it's the least I can do. I turn to Doyle and
he's just looking at me like he always did, but this time, his hand moves
to the back of my head and pulls me close. His lips press against mine and
his tongue slides into my willing mouth.

And at that moment, I make a new resolution to never, ever let this man get
away from me again. My new life begins today and I begin it with no
regrets.

~**~

The end. [1]