Remember Me This Way by Isa Bedigian TITLE: Remember Me This Way AUTHOR: Isa Bedigian EMAIL: slaythis99@aol.com SUMMARY: Angel and Cordelia remember Doyle, and she makes him a promise SPOILER: HEROES!!! And maybe a teensy bit of I Will Remember You, 'cause I like angst. It's good for my soul DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =) FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P RATING: TV-PG DISCLAIMER: Doyle, Angel and Cordy belong to Joss & David G. Well, maybe only Doyle belongs to David G., but whatever. 'Remember Me This Way' is by Jordan Hill and I warn anyone who might want to play it to have tissues handy. DEDICATIONS: To Sandee, 'cause she's the best, and Bern, 'cause she made me have to do this with her fic, and Megg, for issuing the challenge in the first place. =) "Are you ready?" Angel asked when Cordelia came out of the bedroom that would probably become her own. It had been Angel's library before, a dark, windowless, lightless room full of shelves and crates and boxes of books, both occult and romantic. He'd bought a second futon for the living room awhile back and had left it in the study until Doyle came over to help him move stuff. Obviously, that was never going to happen. Cordelia had been so fragile, so weak the night it happened that Angel had brought her back to his place, let her sleep in his bed. After a few days, she expressed a need for privacy, and the study became her room. In the week that had passed, she'd managed to go back to her apartment not only to retrieve clothing, but her framed diploma and a book that she claimed Doyle had left at her place when they were researching that eviscerating demon. When he'd gotten up the nerve to suggest a funeral for Doyle to her, she'd agreed that it was a good idea. "I wanted to say something, but I couldn't," she said quietly and he nodded, understanding. "Cordelia?" he asked again, awaiting an answer. "What?" her voice was lifeless. "Are you ready?" She pulled at her black suit and sighed. "I guess," she mumbled just above a whisper. Angel led her out to his car and once he was on the road, he turned the radio on, hoping to distract her. No such luck. //Every now and then We find a special friend Who never lets us down\\ "Oh God," she whispered. "I'll turn it off," Angel reached for the dial but Cordy put her hand out to stop him. "No. Let it play." He did as she asked. //Who understands it all Reaches out each time you fall You're the best friend that I've found\\ Cordelia thought about all the compliments he'd paid her. All the time they spent together, all the insults he took. She thought of how he kept smiling at her, kept trying to be her friend even though she treated him like dirt. She didn't deserve him. Maybe it was all her fault. //I know you can't stay A part of you will never ever go away Your heart will stay\\ She looked in her purse and found the medallion she'd taken from his apartment. She didn't know what it was, only that it must've meant alot to him because he kept it hidden in a sock drawer. There was Gaelic writing on it, and she thought maybe, someday, she'd ask Angel to translate it. She clutched it and leaned her head back, letting the song surround her. She still couldn't believe he was gone. //I'll make a wish for you And hope it will come true That life would just be kind To such a gentle mind If you lose your way Think back on yesterday Remember me this way Remember me this way\\ Angel arrived at the cemetery he'd picked out the day before and parked, waiting a moment before turning off the car. Cordelia was just sitting there, mumbling to herself. He figured it would be better to open her door and get her attention that way, so he got out on his side and walked around. By the time he reached Cordelia, he realized her mumblings were the lyrics to the song that had been playing. "Cordy," he whispered. "We're here." She looked up at him as though she were trying to understand what he was saying. "What?" "We're at the cemetery." She blinked, and it was as though reality set in. She let him help her out of the car and they walked numbly towards the large headstone Angel had gotten for him. The closer they got, Cordelia began to focus on a woman standing by the grave, crying. When they were close enough to talk, Cordelia said, "You're his mother." The woman nodded, looking up her with tears slipping down her cheeks. "Francis Doyle," she introduced herself. "Pleased to meet ya. Allen talked about you all the time." Cordy wasn't sure how it happened, but she found herself hugging the older woman who shared Doyle's eyes. Angel stood aside, watching them, not wanting to invade their private moment. When they parted, Francis led them to a bench not far away and took Cordy's hands in hers. "My sweet boy loved you," she said softly. "He never actually said the words, but I could tell." Cordelia nodded, taking this all in. She wondered if Angel had called her or if she'd shown up on her own. Probably the first option, she decided. "I need to be goin'," Francis stood up. "I'm sorry we had to meet on such an occasion, Miss Chase. We woulda made a nice little family, I think." Cordelia hugged her again, feeling like this woman was her last connection to Doyle. And then she was alone. //I don't need eyes to see The love you bring to me No matter where I go\\ "He's here you know," she whispered to Angel. They were kneeling on the grass in front of the stone, sitting in silence. Cordelia was just staring at the picture of him, trying to make sense of all of this. //And I know that you'll be there Forever more a part of me, you're everywhere I'll always care\\ "I think so," Angel finally replied. "Did this really happen?" she asked softly. "Are we really here?" Angel nodded. "I don't wanna believe it, either." //I'll make a wish for you And hope it will come true That life would just be kind To such a gentle mind If you lose your way Think back on yesterday Remember me this way Remember me this way\\ "I keep wondering what could've been," Cordy said. "I mean, he had just asked me out. We were going to try the couple thing. You should've seen his face when I told him to ask me out. It was like I'd just told him he won the lottery or something." "He was in love with you." as soon as Angel uttered the words, he regretted them. "What, so everyone knew but me?" she asked. "Basically." "Damn," she whispered. She leaned over and kissed the picture of him, wishing those were his lips. His kiss had been the most amazing thing she'd ever felt. It was full of fire and passion and a million other things that she knew she'd never feel again. "I'm so sorry Doyle," she said softly. "I'm sorry I didn't know." //And I'll be right behind your shoulder watching you I'll be standing by your side and all you do And I won't ever leave As long as you believe You just believe\\ "Angel? Do you think he'll leave?" she asked. She'd felt his lips brush hers and knew he was watching over her, knew he was supporting her. Cordelia knew he was there to make her feel better, but that wasn't gonna happen. "Do you think he'll always watch over us? Make sure we'll safe?" "I think he'll do the best he can." //I'll make a wish for you And hope it will come true That life would just be kind To such a gentle mind If you lose your way Think back on yesterday Remember me this way Remember me this way\\ Later, back at the agency, Angel and Cordelia watched the tape of Doyle again. She cried, and even though she felt Doyle's hand on her shoulder, it wasn't enough. She didn't want him in ghost form, haunting overhead, watching her every move. She wanted him here. Someone to taunt and tease and notice when she bought new shoes. Someone to kiss and hold and share things with. Someone to fall madly in love with. She didn't want to remember him as her shadow. She wanted him to stay in her memory the way he looked when he kissed her. Like the strongest man on Earth. He looked the way Angel looked when he was fighting to save Buffy. She watched the tape again after Angel went to bed, wanting to remember the way he'd flubbed the lines and smiled at her as though he wasn't sure what he was doing. She wanted to remember the way he smelled, the way his eyes seemed to widen when she walked into a room. She never wanted to forget his voice or his touch. As the tape ended, she assured herself that was how she'd always remember him. As the hero.