TITLE: Remember Me This Way
AUTHOR: Bernadette
Again, I'm using my real name for this one
EMAIL: niteeyes1@aol.com, angelushot@aol.com & crazyone89@hotmail.com
SUMMARY: Doyle's POV. That's all I'm going to say. This is kind of
depressing. Also kind of weird. Doyle comes back to watch over Cordy.
SPOILERS: "Hero" and that's pretty much it.
DISTRIBUTION: Sure. Just let me know where it's going.
FEEDBACK: At this point, I'm thinking ice cream. Maybe some fluffy
Cordy/Doyle fic.
RATING: PG
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Angel, Doyle or Cordy. Joss shouldn't own them
either. Joss is evil. Joss is bad. Joss must die. Did I mention that Joss
must die?
NOTE: Again, please ignore any weird mistakes in this. This is pretty much
unbeta-ed for the most part.
ANOTHER NOTE: This is my response to a challenge from Megg
(fairy1426@aol.com) on the CordeliaDoyle list. Here's the challenge:
From: fairy1426@juno.com
Okay ... last night's episode ... it completely and utterly traumatized
me. I woke up this morning and started crying and that's pathetic, even
for me.
So, anyway, it's a really simple challenge. Cordelia/Doyle, use the song
below. ("Remember Me This Way" by Jordan Hill) .... use it how you like
it ... either happiness abound, or not ... just use it. *G*
So, this is my response. Ironically, I don't remember that song. I just
liked the lyrics. I think this is the first time I've ever responded to a
challenge. Again. This is kind of weird. Hope you like.



J

O

S

S



B

I

T

E

S

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I sit in Angel's office, on the same couch where I always used ta sit. I
sit

here. Lookin' at her. Watchin' over her. Never wantin' ta leave her side

ever again. She looks so sad. Angel looks so sad. They're just sittin'

there at the desk, starin' into the computer screen, not really seein'

anythin' at all. An' I know why they're so sad. You'd have ta be really

dense not ta know. They're grievin' over me.

I sit here, tappin' me foot against the carpet, even though I'm not really

here at all. Strange, isn't it? I'm here, yet I'm not. We've all got

somethin' to atone for. That's what I told Angel an' I guess I've finally

atoned fer me sins. I went and became the hero fer just one moment.

Angel gets up and walks into the elevator, goin' down to his apartment.

Leavin' my Cordy all alone. My Princess. A few minutes pass. Minutes that

seem ta last forever as I sit here and admire her beauty. She turns the

computer off, stands up, walks over to the television and turns it on. She

takes the remote control, sits back down at the desk and presses a button.

Who do I see on the television screen? Me. She's watchin' my commercial.

Our commercial. She's rewindin' the tape and watchin' it again. Now she's

startin' to cry. I just sit here, nothin' ta do but cry along with her. She

rewinds the tape and watches the commercial a third time, then turns the

television off.

She gets up, walks across the room and turns the radio on. She's cryin'
more

hysterical now, the tears runnin' down her cheeks, and as I listen to the

words of the song that's playin', I can understand why.

~~Every now and then

We find a special friend

Who never lets us down~~

I know I've found me special friend, but now I'll never be able ta touch
her

again. But I also know that I'll never let her down, no matter what.

~~Who understands it all

Reaches out each time you fall

You're the best friend that I've found~~

That's my Cordy. She was me best friend, and yet so much more. At least,

she could've been so much more, if only we could've had more time. Even

though we can't be together, I'll still be here ta reach out each time she

falls. I can never let anythin' hurt her. Or Angel. I'll be here ta

protect 'em both. That's a promise that I'll always keep. No matter what.

I can't ever let 'em down. And I won't.

~~I know you can't stay

A part of you will never ever go away

Your heart will stay~~

Oh Cordy. A part of yer heart will always stay with me. I will never let

you go. Even if ye can't see me or touch me, I'll always be here.

~~I'll make a wish for you

And hope it will come true

That life would just be kind

To such a gentle mind

If you lose your way

Think back on yesterday

Remember me this way

Remember me this way~~

I don't need ta make any wishes. I know that you'll never lose yer way.

You've got Angel and me to help ye. And I know that you'll always remember

me this way. The way I was, and always will be.

~~I don't need eyes to see

The love you bring to me

No matter where I go

And I know that you'll be there

Forever more a part of me, you're everywhere

I'll always care~~

I wish ye could see me right now. If ye could, that would only make things

harder. I can't do that to ye. I can't add to yer pain. You'll always be

here in me heart and I'll always love ye.

~~I'll make a wish for you

And hope it will come true

That life would just be kind

To such a gentle mind

If you lose your way

Think back on yesterday

Remember me this way

Remember me this way~~

My Cordy. My Princess. Please remember me this way.

~~And I'll be right behind your shoulder watching you

I'll be standing by your side and all you do

And I won't ever leave

As long as you believe

You just believe~~

What I wouldn't give right now just ta hold ye in me arms and kiss away yer

tears and tell ye that everythin' will be all right. But I'm not aloud.

It's against the rules, or somethin' like that. At least, that's what they

told me. Who is they? They are the Oracles. Weird bunch of beings those

are. Very mysterious. After I...died...and went through all that pain...I

ended up in their dimension. They weren't too happy when I didn't have any

offerin's ta give 'em. How bad of me. And then they actually asked what I

was doin' there. How would I know? All I know is I died and somehow ended

up there. I have no idea how or why. That's what I told 'em. They said me

time for atonement is over and now me job is ta act as sort of a guardian

angel. I'm supposed ta watch over ye and Angel until the Oracles decide

whether ta make me alive again, or ta let me into heaven. So I'm invisible.

I'm kinda like a ghost now. Kinda like that Dennis guy who hangs out in yer

apartment. I can reveal meself ta ye if I want, but that would be breakin'

the rules. A big no no to the Oracles. And I wouldn't wanna get on the

Oracles' bad side. They're odd enough as it is. I would've chosen ta be

alive again, but it seems that option isn't in me pile of cards yet, so I

have ta settle with just bein' able ta watch ye, makin' sure that ye and

Angel are both safe. Imagine that. A half demon turned into a guardian

angel who's tryin' ta get into heaven.

After the Oracles had explained everythin' ta me, I asked 'em when I'd be

gettin' me nice halo and wings. I thought it was funny, but the Oracles

didn't find it very amusin', so they just sent me back. Here. In me old

body again. Only dead. I can see ye but ye can't see me. How can that be

fair? Oh well. At least I can still be around ye. At least until I get me

halo and wings. See? I still think it's funny. Too bad you can't see me

and hear me so ye can laugh along with me.

~~I'll make a wish for you

And hope it will come true

That life would just be kind

To such a gentle mind

If you lose your way

Think back on yesterday

Remember me this way

Remember me this way~~

Please remember me this way, not that I don't think ye will. Oh Cordy. Why.

Why couldn't I bring meself ta tell ye about me being half demon sooner? I

should've had more trust in ye. I should've known that ye wouldn't reject

me. That ye'd find it in that heart that ye like ta bury deep down inside

yerself ta accept me fer what I am. I was scared. Ye made it known that ye

thought demons are disgustin', so what was I ta think? Of course I was

afraid. Afraid of how ye'd react. Just plain afraid. Stupid little Irish

man, as ye called me. Now I regret not telling ye sooner. Maybe then we

could've gotten ta know each other better. Maybe then we could've gotten ta

spend more time together. I never even got the nerve up ta ask ye out for

dinner. And just when I was about ta, I had ta sacrifice me life for the

greater good.

Oh I'd better be gettin' some really fine wings fer me troubles here. Maybe

wings dipped in gold. Or another chance with me life would be good. Another

chance ta live me life with ye. A life that ended before it even had a

chance ta begin. It's both our faults really. We were both hesitant ta make

the first move. But I always thought that ye hated me. Ye never gave me any

good reason ta not think that. So why shouldn't I be hesitant? I'm so

sorry. Sorry that we couldn't be together ferever. I've never known anyone

like ye before, and I probably never will again. If I was alive right now,
I

would take ye in me arms and worship ye like the Princess ye are. I'd make

love to ye. I'd show ye with me body all the things I never got ta tell ye

with me words.

I love ye, Cordy. I always have and I always will. I'll never leave ye.

Never. If ye ever feel lonely, just look behind yer shoulder. I'll be right

here watchin' ye. I'll stand by yer side and all ye do. As long as ye

believe. Ye just believe that love is forever and I'll always be here ta

protect ye. I promise. I'd even show meself to ye if I felt I had too. To

Hell with me wings. I'd rather let ye know that I'm still here. That, even

though I'm dead, I never really went away. I'll be here for ye, whenever ye

need me. I wish I could see ye right now. I don't know how much longer I'll

be able ta do this. Not being able ta see ye or touch ye or kiss ye or feel

ye in me arms. It's too painful. I'm sure ye feel the same way too.

Believe me, I'd do anythin' ta be holdin' ye right now. But I'm sure the

Oracles are watchin', just waitin' for me ta make a mistake and break their

stupid rules.

Are wings and a halo worth this much agony? I'm not so sure anymore. But I

guess I'll be good and obey the rules. For now. But I will let ye see me.

I have ta. For both of us. Oh Cordy. Please don't cry. It'll be all

right. If only ye knew. If only ye knew I'm in the same room with ye right

now. So close. So far away.

As the last notes of the song come over the radio, I walk over ta where
Cordy

is sittin'. I smile sadly at her. The tears are still streamin' down her

cheeks, making a big wet spot form on her blouse. What I wouldn't give ta

wipe away her tears right now. What I wouldn't give ta kiss her lips again.

I'm right in front of her now. So close. So close. I can almost touch her.

I can feel her breath going through me like a gentle breeze as she sobs

loudly.

Oh I want ta touch her so badly. But I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't.

Oh ta Hell with it. And ta Hell with the Oracles. I don't care if they're

watchin' right now. Let 'em watch. And I hope they heard me too, because I

meant it. They can go ta Hell. I'm sure they heard me and they're not too

happy with me right now, but I really don't care. They can keep me halo and

wings. They can even give away me place in heaven if they want. Heaven can

wait. It's not goin' anywhere. For now, I just wanna let her know I'm here.

Is that too much to ask? It is if the Oracles have their way about it. But

what can it hurt? I reach me hand out and lay it on her cheek, not movin'.

Then I start ta gently rub me hand along her face, massagin' away the tears

that are meant for me. She must feel it, because she stops cryin' that very

instant, her eyes goin' wide in shock, knowin' somethin's there but not
bein'

able ta see it.

I run me palm down to her chin, cuppin' it gently. In that moment, the
hands

of time seem ta stop. Everythin' seems ta exist just for us. A few minutes

pass, then she starts ta cry again. That's it. I can't take this. I lean

over and press me lips against hers, silencin' her anguished sobs of a love

lost, and never really had at all, when ya think about it. Me other hand

entwines itself in her silky hair. I remain that way, showin' her me lost

passion in the whispers of me lips touchin' hers. That's what they are

really. Nothin' more than whispers. Hey. I'm not exactly in solid form

here. I'm doin' the best I can.

Finally, I pull away and stare at her. Her eyes reflect what I know I have

in me eyes. Love. Passion. Fire. Lust. Grief. Anger. A bunch of

emotions all tangled up in one confusin' web of emotions. I turn ta go back

ta the other side of the room again, when I see her starin' at me. At
first,

I think she's lookin' at somethin' else, but it's as clear as a shot of
Irish

whiskey. She's starin' straight ahead. There's no mistakin' that. She's

starin' straight ahead...at me. But she can't see me. Can she? Can she see

me? No. That's not possible. Ye must be imaginin' things, Allan Francis

Doyle. Yer brain must be messed up. I guess dying can do that ta any

respectable half demon or anyone else. But no. I'm not imaginin' things.

She's lookin' right at me. She brings one hand up ta touch her cheek, and

the other one up ta touch her lips.

"D...Doyle?" She says it so soft that, fer a minute, I'm not sure I really

heard her. Then, she says it again, her voice crackin' from all the cryin'

she's been doin'. "D...Doyle? Doyle? Oh God! Doyle? Is that you?!"

Yes, Princess, it's me. I'm here. I'll never leave ye ever again.

"D...Doyle? Where are you? I can't see you! Wait! How can you be here?!

You're dead! I saw you die! So, how can you be here? You can't be here!

Unless you're a ghost now like Dennis. Are you? Are you a ghost now?"

Okay. Apparently she can't hear me. Just another disadvantage of bein' in

this ghostly form. And I prefer the term guardian angel meself. That's me,

Princess. You're very own guardian angel. I wonder who me guardian angel

was?

"Doyle! It's you! I know it's you! You're here! Doyle! Please! Please

come back to me! I love you! I need you! Please! Doyle!"

My Cordy starts ta cry again. Sorry, Princess. I'm so sorry. I wish I

could come back to ye. Believe me. I really wish I could. But ye see, it's

not up ta me ta decide. That's all up ta the Oracles. They're the ones

who're holdin' me fate in their hands now. Only time will tell how things

will turn out. I love ye. You'll always carry a piece of me heart with ye,

as I will always carry a piece of yer heart with me. I'm so sorry I can't

hold ye and make love to ye like I'm wantin' ta do right now. But this I

promise ta ye. And I know I already told ye all this, but I have ta say it

again, even if ye can't hear me. I just have ta say it. I'll always be here

ta watch over ye. I'll always be here ta protect ye. I'll always love ye.

Forever. Shhh. Don't cry, Princess. I'm here. I'm closer ta ye than ye

think. Just find the strength in yer heart ta believe. I know ye believe in

ghosts, so please believe in me. I need ye. We need each other. I miss ye.

But I'm here ta stay. At least until I get me wings. However long that

takes.

Wait. She knows I'm here. Cordy felt me. She felt me touch her and kiss

her. Well, I guess there went me chance of gettin' me shiny halo and wings.

They could at least cut some slack fer the hero type guy here. Do they
think

that was an easy thing fer me ta do? Right. I'd like ta see them try it.

I'd better be gettin' me wings after all this, if nothin' else, or I'm
gonna

be doin' some serious fightin' with the Oracles.

~~And I'll be right behind your shoulder watching you

I'll be standing by your side and all you do

And I won't ever leave

As long as you believe

You just believe~~

I'll be right behind yer shoulder watching ye. I'll be standin' by yer side

and all ye do. And I won't ever leave. As long as ye believe. Ye just

believe. Just believe in me. I love ye, Cordy. I'll always be near ye,

around ye and with ye. I'll never leave ye. Ever again. This I promise to

ye. My love fer ye will exist fer all time.



~~end~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~