TITLE: Reflections of a Broken Heart
AUTHOR: Bernadette
Hey! I'm using my real name for once! Go me! Go me!
EMAIL: niteeyes1@aol.com, angelushot@aol.com & crazyone89@hotmail.com
SUMMARY: Diary entry from Cordy's POV. Warning: this is not happy stuff.
Keep tissues handy.
SPOILERS: "Hero" and that's pretty much it.
DISTRIBUTION: Sure. Just let me know where it's going.
FEEDBACK: At this point, I'm thinking ice cream. Maybe some fluffy
Cordy/Doyle fic.
RATING: PG
DISCLAIMER: I don't own, Angel, Doyle or Cordy. After tonight, I seriously
don't think Joss deserves to own them either. Joss is an evil man. Really
evil. Another relationship crushed. Poor Cordy. Poor Angel. They're both
going to need therapy after seeing that, along with every Cordy/Doyle
shipper out there, including me. Someone please write me a happy fic. I
really need one right about now. I was working on another fic, but I put
it aside to write this instead. I've really got to stop writing stuff like
this. Someone stop me before I hurt myself.
NOTE: Please excuse any mistakes in this. This is totally unbeta-ed.




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The diary of Cordelia Chase

December 1, 1999

I can't believe it. He's gone. One second he's there and the next he's just

gone. Why? Why did this have to happen? Oh God. Now I'm starting to sound

like Buffy. I'm not a sniveling little cry Buffy. I'm Cordelia. The Bitch.

At least, I was. I know Buffy went through all the pain and whining over

her Angel, how they can't ever be together and everything, but I never

thought that this could happen to me. Me. Cordelia. Super Bitch. I never

thought I could feel this way.

How am I ever going to get over this? How am I ever going to get over him?

I feel like part of me is missing. I feel like he took that part of me with

him to...wherever he went. Where do half-demons go when they die? Wherever

he is, I hope he's happier there. There's nothing in this world but pain

pain and more pain. And we're supposed to save people? What's the point in

saving people if it takes away Angel's happiness...and my happiness.

Angel. I can hear him crying in the other room. I'm sleeping on the couch,

well, I was trying to sleep anyway. No progress there. Looking at the

clock, I see that it's three o'clock in the morning. But I can't sleep.

Angel can't sleep. Both of us are crying, restless, completely miserable.

And I was always the one telling him that he did too much brooding. Look at

me now. I'm just pathetic Cordy.

I don't know how Angel's supposed to get over this either. I'm surprised if

he doesn't try to kill himself by staking. But that wouldn't do anything

except get him dead and cause me more pain. With Doyle gone, Angel's all I

have left. I'd really miss him. I'm sitting here on the couch and crying my

eyes out trying to write this. Behold pathetic Cordy.

And I was wrong when I said I feel like a part of me is missing. I feel
like

my heart is missing. I didn't think I could love anyone after the disaster

that was Xander Harris, if you could even call what we had love, groping in
a

broom closet isn't love, but I didn't think I could love anyone ever again,

until Doyle came along.

When I first met Doyle, even then I loved him, though I wouldn't admit it
to

him, or to Angel, or to myself. I just tried to put on my bitch mode and
let

Doyle think that I thought he was annoying. Which he was. Annoying I mean.

But annoying in a lovable way. Oh God. It's so painful to be talking about

Doyle in the past tense. I'm SO going to miss him. I never thought I would

miss him as much as I do right now, but I guess it's true what they say,
that

you never know what you have until it's gone. God I'm SO stupid! Doyle was

afraid to tell me that he was half a demon, because he was afraid that if I

knew, I would reject him. That was my fault too. That whole demons are

disgusting thing I had going. I just wish he could've told me before it was

too late. I can't believe he actually thought I would've cared about that!

So he was half a demon! What's the big? As I told Doyle just before...I

work for a vampire, so why would I run away from a half demon?

And Angel. I'm guessing he knew about the whole Doyle being a half-demon

part. So why didn't he tell me? I guess he didn't tell me for the same

reason Doyle didn't tell me. He was probably afraid of what I'd say. Demons

are icky, but not all demons are icky. Angel's a vampire and he's not icky.

And Doyle was half a demon and he wasn't icky. Even his demon face...well

okay that was icky...but it still didn't mean anything to me. It still

doesn't. That's not all of who he is...was.

Doyle was everything to me. I loved him with everything I am. I just wish I

could've told him before. Okay, Doyle may have been an ordinary, run of the

mill, poor Irish half-demon, not too short, not too tall, but I still loved

him. I guess I was afraid to tell him that because of what I went through

with Xander. I guess I was afraid that Doyle would hurt me the way Xander

had. I wonder who Xander's with now? Xander always was a demon magnet.

Praying mantis lady, inca mummy girl, he's probably with some loser demon

girl now or something. I swear Xander is such a jerk. I don't know what I

ever saw in him. Oh God. There I go dissing demons again. No wonder Doyle

was afraid to tell me.

It figures that just when we could've had a date, he had to go and save all

the other half-demons. Now I'll never get to go out to dinner with him.

Nice time to ask, Cordy. Stupid me. What was I thinking? All those times I

could've asked him out and yet I didn't. Did he go through that with me?

Did he try to ask me out before but couldn't? As he said, I guess we'll

never know. I also wish I could've told him that his was a face I could

totally have come to love. God! What was he thinking? Had to go and be

some big hero! I thought being the super hero is Angel's job? He is the

Dark Avenger, but without the tights. In a way, I understand why Doyle did

what he did, but it still hurts. I guess it always will. Now I know what

Buffy went through.

After I saw Doyle disappear, I didn't even bother holding back my tears. I

just let them fall. And fall and fall and fall. I loved him and now he was

gone. I grabbed onto the only person I have left, Angel, and held on tight.

I could see the tears falling from his eyes too. He loved Doyle too. Doyle

was his best friend. Who does Angel have left in this city now? Me.

Fitting isn't it? Now we're both brooding and in pain. I guess I'm never

going to stop being punished. Same goes for Angel. Hasn't he been through

enough?

I wish Doyle was here right now, so he could hold me in his arms and kiss
me.

But he's not and he never will be ever again. That was a great kiss. Too

bad it had to be our first and only kiss. I'll always remember the way his

lips felt against mine. I'm going to miss everything about him. His eyes,

his accent, the way he always went down to the pub to celebrate everything

from Oz bringing Angel the ring of Amara or whatever to the opening of a

mailbox. Well, okay, I'm lying about that part, but Doyle would celebrate

anything and everything with a drink down at the pub. I'll miss the way he

quoted from 'Angela's Ashes' when he was drunk and called Oz 'My little Bam

Bam' all night. Though I'm not sure Oz appreciated that. And then there's

the way I had to help him get the Advil out of the bottle because he was so

drunk. I'll even miss his visions. I even asked him once if I hit him on

the head would he have a vision, joking around. That's another thing. How

are we going to know how to fight the forces of darkness and save people

without Doyle's visions? Unless he somehow passed that gift on to me before

he...died. No. I could do without all those headaches he got, thank you

very much. And it was still a stupid gift if you ask me.

I'm going to miss him, but at least I get to watch him on tape. I'm so glad

I decided to have him do that commercial. At least I can still see him and

hear his voice whenever I'm lonely, which will probably be a lot. Angel's

here but I don't love him. Not in the same way I loved Doyle. I mean, that

ghost I live with, Denis, he's nice and everything but he's...well...he's

dead. And now so is Doyle. I keep trying to tell myself I didn't see what I

saw and that maybe Doyle will come back someday. But he won't. Doyle is

gone. Angel and I both saw what happened. He played the part of a true hero

and saved the day. That's the only thing that seems to matter anymore.

Saving the day. Why should Angel and I care, when it rips apart more pieces

of what's left of our happiness?

Well, I guess I'd better stop writing now so I can try to get some sleep.

Right. I don't think I'll be sleeping ever again. Not knowing what Doyle

and I could've had together, if only I hadn't been so blind. I just hope

that, wherever he is, heaven or whatever, he knows that I really did love
him

as much as he obviously loved me, and I'll always love him. God. This is

starting to sound SO incredibly cheesy, like the plot of some bad drama

movie, but it's the truth. I'll always love him. I just wish we could've

spent more time together and gotten to know each other better. I am so

stupid. But Doyle did love me and I loved him, even if I never got a chance

to show it. And I guess that's what's really important. No. I KNOW that's

what's really important. Forget about fighting evil. Evil will always be

here. So will love. Wherever Doyle is right now, at this moment, I know

he's thinking of me.

So, this is to you, Doyle. I love you. I'm so sorry it had to end like

this, when it never really had a chance to start. But you did it. You saved

the day. I miss you and Angel misses you too. I know now that you'll always

love me. I hope you're happy up there, wherever up there is. Goodnight.

I send you my love, now, always and forever.

You were my everything, Doyle, and you'll always be my everything.

~~Cordelia Chase~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So? I know it's kind of short, but it had to be written. Now I have to go

back to finishing one of my fics tomorrow. Go back to my own little happy

world where Doyle is still alive. Evil evil Joss. Bad Bad Joss!