Title: My Hero (1/1)
Author: Nastassia
Email: blue_flame@angelfire.com
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Heroes
Feedback: Don't make me beg!
Distribution: Oblivious Much? All others - Link to my site at --
http://www.angelfire.com/or2/rayne/BtVS.html
Disclaimer: Doyle, Cordelia, and Angel belong to Joss. "Heroes" belongs to
David Bowie.
Summary: A narrative from Cordelia's POV on Doyle's death.
Note: If this seems disjointed, that's because it is. I just finished
watching "Heroes" for the first time, and, after crying for about
ten minutes, I wrote this. No flames please, this was my therepy.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My Hero (1/1)

by Nastassia

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

He's not dead.

Maybe if I think it enough times, it'll be true, and I won't hurt so much.

//I...I will be king\\

He loved me. I didn't know....I really didn't. We were friends,

that was all. Friends who flirted. He worshipped me, and I was mean

to him. I called him names and acted like a bitch. I thought he

knew that I was just teasing him....but now I'm not so sure.

//And you...you will be queen\\

I loved him too, and he never knew. I never got the chance to tell

him, and I hate myself for that. I hate myself for a lot of things now.

//Though nothing will drive them away\\

I can't stop thinking about what might have been. I keep getting

these pictures of me and Doyle ten years down the line. I keep seeing

him holding this beautiful dark-haired little girl, grinning at

me and calling us both his "Princesses."

//We can beat them...just for one day\\

Doyle, why did you have to be a hero? Heroes die.....

//We can be Heroes...just for one day\\

Did you forget that we're the good guys? The good guys are always

supposed to win. We weren't supposed to lose the battle...we weren't
supposed to lose you....

//And you...you can be mean\\

Maybe I'm still being punished for everything I did back on the

Hellmouth. Angel would tell me I was talking crazy. He'd say that

it wasn't my fault, but that won't stop him from blaming himself, and it
won't stop me either.

//And I...I'll drink all the time\\

I wonder how he managed to get under both of our skins? I wonder

how an insecure boozing half-demon managed to make us love him?

There's no real answer to that. He was just....Doyle. He was just

the guy who could always make me smile...the guy who looked at me like I
was a Goddess....

The guy who loved me.

//'Cause we're lovers...and that is a fact\\

We never even had a chance. Sometimes I think Fate or God or whatever

just has it in for the whole Scooby gang, at least as far as relationships

are concerned. Its almost like we aren't allowed to be happy, and,

if any of us are, some unforeseen evil steps in to take it away.

//Yes we're lovers...and that is that\\

For the first time in a long time, I've actually felt like I belong

somewhere. In Sunnydale, I pretty much annihilated every friend

I'd ever had. Most of them weren't real friends, but at least they

were something. I don't think I realized how lonely I was until

I met Angel and Doyle and learned what real friendship was.

If life hadn't been such a bitch, I would have had a chance to learn what
real love was too.

//Though nothing will keep us together\\

Angel's worried about me. I can understand why. Ive been sitting

in a dark room for the past two hours watching the tape of Doyle

over and over. I can tell now, after having watched the clip at

least a hundred times, that he had wanted so badly to do it right.

He was so eager to please me, and what did I do? I called him a weasel and
laughed at him.

//We could steal time...just for one day\\

Angel doesn't think that I know he's watching me. I think he's afraid

that I'll try to kill myself. I've thought about it, but I could

never do it. Doyle died so that we could live. I can't let his death be in
vain.

//We can be Heroes...for ever and ever\\

I guess he didn't think that, without him, living wouldn't be much fun
anymore.

//We can be us...just for one day\\

It's never going to stop hurting, is it? It's never going to stop eating me
up inside....

//I...I can remember\\

We went through a lot together - Doyle, Angel, and me. We had a

lot of good times. Funny, how those always get obscured by the bad

times. We had our share of those too...maybe more than the average

person, but none of us were what you could call average anyway.

//Standing...by the wall\\

I can't sleep anymore. Every time I close my eyes...all I see is

that light burning him, hurting him, taking him away from me. I

see myself frozen in place as he dies right in front of me. I could

have stopped him, but I didn't even think to try.

//And the guns...shot above our heads\\

Then the light was gone, and it took Doyle with it. I remember sobbing

his name, and then Angel was holding me, crying with me. I've never

seen Angel cry before...I hope I never do again.

//And we kissed...as though nothing could fall\\

Our first, last, and only kiss was the only good memory I have of

that day. He knew he was going to die, and he only wanted one thing....me.

When he said that we would never know if I could learn to love his

demon face, I wanted to scream that I did. I loved everything about

him because he was kind and decent and good, but I didn't. I was

silent, and he died not knowing that I loved him.

//And the shame...was on the other side\\

I wish I knew that he's happy now, wherever he is. If there is a

Heaven, I'm sure Doyle's there, drinking Scotch with those old Irish

poets he liked so much. I hope he knows how much he meant to us.

//Oh we can beat them...for ever and ever\\

I used to want just three things - a rich husband, a house in Malibu,

and a credit card with no limit. I can't believe I was ever that

shallow. Now, I'm a very different person, but I still want just

three things - justice, forgiveness, and hope. I don't see myself

getting any of those anytime soon.

//Then we could be Heroes...just for one day\\

Right now, I'd just settle for oblivion...or a second chance. I

don't think Ill have much luck with the latter. Second chances don't come
by very often.

//We're nothing...and nothing will help us\\

Sitting in a dark room is supposed to be bad for your soul, but

mine was never in that great shape to begin with. Maybe if I sit

here long enough, Doyle will come downstairs and tell me to turn

on a light and stop brooding before I turn into Angel.

//Maybe we're lying...then you better not stay\\

I'd give anything just to hear him say that.

//But we could be safer...just for one day\\

If I don't admit that he's dead, then it's not true. Doyle is still alive.

He wouldn't leave me.

//Just for one day......\\

He's my hero.

END