Title: Hurting & Healing Part 2 & 3
By: Christine Luland
E-mail: cluland@hotmail.com
Rating: R (Part 1 & 2) for a few swear words and mature content (issues of
rape). Part 3 might be NC-17 if I can stop blushing while I write it.
Summary: C/D hurt, comfort, eventual romance. Cordelia is assaulted. Doyle
helps her cope
Spoilers: Nothing important
Disclaimer: All characters belong to the evil Joss Whedon. But I think he
should be charged with character abuse. Big, Cruel Meanie!!!!
Feedback: Please?????
Dedicated: To Andrea, Happy Birthday Sweetie! Now write me that story!!!



I wish I could say that things were easy after that. That Cordelia was able

to pick up the pieces and move on with her life. Move on with me. But I've

learned that things are never easy.

After the first night Angel went back to his place. Cordelia was still

hurting pretty badly so I stayed to help where I could. Finally, after two

weeks of helping her dress, spending the day together and then sleeping

with her in my arms at night, she insisted I go home. I listened to her and

returned to the cold rooms I had seen only in passing for the previous two

weeks. I lasted until one in the morning before grabbing a change of

clothes and making my way back to where I felt I belonged. As soon as I

entered the apartment I could hear that she was having nightmares.

"Cordelia, come on luv, wake up."

She came awake with a start as I pulled the tangled, sweaty sheets away

from her. "He was here. He was here."

"Oh sweetheart, you see why I didn't want to leave?" I pulled her gently

from the bed and pushed her in the direction of the bathroom. "Go get

cleaned up. I'll put some fresh sheets on the bed." Turning around I saw

that Dennis had already begun stripping the bed linens. "You know Dennis, I

don't think I've ever really thanked you for everything. But I really do

appreciate it." The radio clicked onto my favorite blues station so I

assumed the friendly spirit was saying you're welcome.

After that there was never any question of where I spent my nights. No

matter where I was or what I was doing I always made sure to return to

Cordelia's in time to go to bed with her. The few times I couldn't make it

in time she stayed awake and waited for me rather then face her nightmares.

In fact, it was her idea that I move in with her permanently. About two

months after the attack I was looking for a stamp to send in my rent check.

"Don't you think it's a bit nuts to be sending in rent money for an

apartment you're never in?" she asked as she rooted through her desk in

search of a stamp for me.

"Well it certainly beats living on the streets."

"Yeah, but you're not living on the streets. You're living with me. It'd

be better for both of us if we split one rent instead of scrapping by with

two."

I looked at her carefully. "You're sure about this?"

I guess she thought that I thought things were changing between us. "Things

aren't going to be any different then they are now. I'm not ready for that.

I'm sorry."

"Cordelia, whatever you want is fine with me," I assured her. "I just like

being with you."

"Okay then. But I'm not giving up my closet space."

Laughing, I kissed her forehead then ripped up my rent check. "I wouldn't

expect you to."

That was a good day. But there were other days when her moods swung from

deep despair to outright fury. It was only at night, when I held her close

in my arms, that she had any measure of peace.

The day Kate came by to update us on the status of the police investigation

was a bad day. Kate was both apologetic and outraged as she paced and

explained that due to lack of evidence the DA had decided not to press

charges.

"What do you mean lack of evidence?" Angel demanded.

"I mean that without solid evidence to prove they were together the DA has

decided that there's nothing we can do. It's Cordelia's word against his."

"Let me guess," Cordelia said. "He has someone else swearing that they were

with him."

I was furious and didn't trust myself to speak. I had promised Cordelia I

would let the system get this guy. Now it seemed like the system was

failing her. My eyes met Angel's across the room. I could see that his

thoughts mirrored mine and in that instant we made our plans.

"You're right. There's some little redheaded thing that's claiming she was

with him the whole night. I'm sorry Cordelia. There's nothing more I can

do."

"Thanks Kate, for trying at least. Angel I'm gonna go for awhile. 'Kay?"

"Sure Cordelia," Angel said gently. "Whatever you want."

I started to follow her but stopped as she shook her head. I sat back

knowing that I would hold her that night.

Kate waited until we heard the front door close before she assumed a

position I recognized as her lecture mode. As she turned to face us Angel

and I tried to put on our most innocent expressions. "Don't try and play

innocent with me. I imagine I have a pretty good idea of what you're

planning."

"Who us? We're law-abiding citizens. If the police can't find enough

evidence to find him guilty, who are we to play judge and jury?" Angel

asked bitterly.

"Listen," Kate said as she knelt in front of me. "I know you want to hurt

this guy. Hell, I'd love to help you. He's a smarmy little bastard that

definitely needs his ass kicked and then some. But not now. There's been

too much attention on him. If anything happens to him now they're going to

come looking right at you. Doyle, you're not going to help Cordelia if

you're in jail."

I nodded in understanding. My plans for beating the guy to within an inch

of his life would have to wait a few months. Rising to my feet, I walked

past Kate and headed towards the door. "I'm going to find Cordelia."

I didn't have far to go. Midway between Cordelia's apartment and the office

was a small playground and park. Over the last few weeks Cordelia had begun

stopping by the park and watching the children play whenever she was upset.

I found her there, seated in the sun, watching two little girls climb on a

jungle gym. "Are you okay?" I asked as I motioned to the dark sunglasses

that hid her eyes. Because she didn't answer, just shook her head, I knew

she was still in tears. "Tell me what to do. I want to help."

She was silent for the longest time. Finally she removed her sunglasses and

faced me. "I know you want to help and it means so much to me that you do.

But right now there's nothing that'll help." She paused and turned away,

but then continued speaking in a low voice. "I know what we do is important

and we are making the world safer for people. But can you promise me that

those little girls aren't going suffer the same thing I did? We stop the

demons and the vampires but what about the human monsters?"

I knew what she wanted, that sense of safety she had lost at the hands of

one horrible man. She'd faced demons and vampires with scarcely a whimper.

But some guy who couldn't take no for an answer had done what the monsters

couldn't. He'd made her truly afraid. "I wish I could tell you that

nothing bad will ever happen to them. But I can't. All I can promise you

is that we'll do our best to prevent what we can."

"But is that enough?" she demanded angrily.

"Maybe, maybe not. I just do the best I can."

"Well maybe your best isn't good enough," she shouted as she rose to her

feet. "Your bad feeling came a little too late to help me." Grabbing her

purse she turned and ran down the road.

I was so stunned I couldn't follow her. We had talked about how I found

her, about the bad feeling that preceded my vision. I'll admit, I'd been in

tears when I explained it to her and apologized for not being there in

time. But she'd taken me in her arms and comforted me; promising me that 

she didn't blame me, that is wasn't my fault.

As the sun set and the park emptied, I forced myself to my feet. I briefly

thought about heading to Cordelia's but I didn't want to face the accusation

in her eyes. Walking slowly, I headed in the direction of the seediest bar

I knew.

Angel found me there three hours later, an untouched glass of whiskey in

front of me. "You're a hard man to find."

"Piss off Angel. I'm not in the mood."

"Yeah, I can tell. You'd rather sit and heap guilt upon yourself for

something you couldn't control. Believe me I know the feeling." He tried

to put a hand on my shoulder and I shrugged it off.

"Well let somebody else play brood-boy for a change." My voice cracked and

I gave up my angry pretense. "She hates me Angel."

"No she doesn't. She was just angry with the police for closing the case.

Unfortunately you got in the way. You know she didn't mean it."

"But she's right Angel. I should have stopped it."

"How? There was nothing you could have done. And she's not mad. Who do

you think asked me to come look for you? She's heartbroken that she said

that to you." Angel suddenly smiled. "I had a hard time convincing her to

wait at home. She wanted to come with me. I didn't think that was such a

good idea." He looked around the dank and dark little bar and laughed as

his gaze came to rest on the filthy floor. "She'd probably kick your ass if

you made her get her shoes dirty."

I smiled a little at that. "She does love her shoes doesn't she?"

Angel motioned to my drink. "Finish up, I'll drive you home."

I threw some money down on the bar. "That's okay. I don't need it. Let's

get out of this place."

Angel dropped me off in front of the apartment and I slowly started up the

walk. Cordelia must have been watching for me because I had no sooner

stepped onto the pavement then the door opened and she came flying into my

arms.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said that," she sobbed.

Mindful of her bare feet I swung her into my arms and carried her inside. I

settled down into a corner of the couch and tried to calm her down. "I

know, I know," I murmured into her hair. "It's okay."

"No it's not. You've been so great to me this whole time. I shouldn't have

said that to you. This was never your fault."

"But I should have known. I should have called."

Cordelia shook her head sadly. "And I should have known not to go on that

date."

"But you couldn't have known..."

"And there was no way you could have known either," she said as she ran her

hand over my back. "I guess that means we're even."

I sighed and pulled her close. "I'd rather we weren't keeping score."

"We're not. I stopped a long time ago." Cordelia shifted and we moved

until we were lying on the couch with her head resting on my shoulder. "I

was afraid you wouldn't come back," she admitted quietly as she played with

the buttons on my shirt.

"I just needed to go and hide for a little while. Brood and feel guilty for

a bit." I paused and took a deep breath as I considered my next words.

Hell, in for a penny, in for a pound. If she didn't know how I felt by

now... "I could never stay away from you. I'm falling in love with you."

There, I said it. She was either going to accept it or kick me out.

Her body stilled, and I felt my heart sink. Despite how close we had become

over the last few weeks I guess I was still just a nice guy in her mind.

And then she spoke in the softest of whispers, "I think I'm starting to love

you to."

And the nice guy wins I shouted to myself. Content, I gave Cordelia a

tender kiss, then let myself relax against the cushions. Life was starting

to look pretty good.



Part 3



The months passed and slowly Cordelia healed. She was different though,

softer, more considerate and accepting of other people. In the beginning

she spent a lot of time at the crisis center, talking things over with the

women there. But as the months went by she began to spend time there as a

volunteer instead of a victim. The time between auditions lengthened until

she finally stopped going altogether. I guess the final sign of the change

in Cordelia was the day she arrived in the office loaded down with

admissions information for UCLA.

Business picked up and we were no longer struggling to make ends meet. Kate

found out Angel was a vampire and that there really are monsters in the

dark. She was shocked at first. And angry. Despite her protests, Cordelia

and I both swore she shot Angel on purpose three weeks later as they chased

a Malkani demon, a small revenge for dashing her romantic hopes. But as

time passed she adjusted to the limits on their relationship and became an

important part of our little family of misfits.

Cordelia and I settled into a comfortable routine as roommates that just

happened to share sleeping space. But I was happy. Happy to watch her

study, happy to argue with her over whose turn it was to cook dinner, happy

to hold her as she slept. But I still hoped that someday she would be ready

for more.

Kate, Angel, Cordelia and I had settled into a routine of meeting on Friday

nights at Good Times, my favorite sports bar. I'd managed to teach them the

rudiments of darts which in turn led to many hours of laughter and a lot of

spilled beer. One Friday night in January, Angel and I arrived late;

delayed by a random vampire that refused to be staked.

They were deep in conversation as we arrived. Kate speaking earnestly, and

Cordelia nodding in understanding. They looked up as we approached and

stopped speaking. Kate took hold of Cordelia's hand and squeezed it.

"Remember what I told you."

Cordelia smiled tentatively. "I will."

"Remember what?" I asked as I slid into the booth next to Cordelia and took

her hand.

"Nothing important. Just some information for my psych class."

"Psych class? Are you going to start profiling demons now?" I cringed as

Angel poured us each a beer. "Remind me to be out of town when your first

paper is due."

Kate laughed, "Why Doyle? Afraid of what she'll say about you?"

"No, afraid she'll ask me to type it."

We all laughed and moved onto the dart game. But I could tell that Cordelia

had something on her mind. Several times I caught her biting her lip, deep

in contemplation of the ice in her glass.

"Are you okay?" I asked as we left the bar and headed towards the car

Cordelia had recently leased. "You seem like there's something bothering

you."

"I'm okay." She tucked her hand into the crook of my arm and rested her

head on my shoulder. "I just have some stuff on my mind."

"Anything I can do?"

"No, not now. This is something I need to work out for myself." Pulling

her keys out of her pocket, she handed them to me. "Drive me home?"

She was silent for the short ride home. I wasn't surprised when she quietly

said she was going to get ready for bed. I waited anxiously in the darkened

living room, uncertain of what I should do.

"Doyle?"

"I don't think I'm ready for bed yet," I said as I turned around. "Oh..." I

breathed, "You look lovely."

Cordelia smiled tentatively as her fingers toyed with the sash of the short

silk robe she wore. "You like it?"

"It's beautiful. You're beautiful." As I spoke Cordelia slowly crossed the

room and took my hands. Staring down at our entwined hands she spoke

softly. "I don't want to be afraid anymore."

I tipped her chin up and stared into the deep brown eyes I had grown to

love. "You're sure?" I asked. "Cause if you're doing this because you

think I want it then we shouldn't. Cause I don't."

Her face reddened in embarrassment and she started to pull away. "I'm

sorry, I thought..."

"Oh God, I'm such an ass." Reaching out I grabbed her arm and pulled her

back against me. "Sweetheart that didn't come out right. Come here. Let's

talk for a minute." Dragging a reluctant Cordelia behind me, I headed over

to the couch and sat. With a gentle tug I pulled Cordelia down and settled

her in my lap, wrapping my arms around her. "Cor, wasn't what I meant to

say. I guess what I wanted to ask is if you're really ready. Don't think

that I'm going to lose interest in you just because we haven't made love. I

just want you to want me as much as I do truly want you."

"And I do," she whispered into my neck.

I smiled and tipped her face up for a kiss. "Well then, can we forget I

stuck my foot in my mouth? I'd much rather be nibbling on something else

right now." To prove it, I leaned over until I caught her earlobe between

my teeth. She giggled and pulled out of my arms.

Standing just out of my reach, she beckoned me to follow. Without saying a

word I did. I stopped short when I entered the bedroom. Candles glowed on

every available surface and soft music played in the background. After

several seconds I recognized Enya's "Watermark". "Nice music," I said as I

watched the glow of candlelight on Cordelia's skin.

"I know it's silly. But I thought..."

I cut off her words by taking her in my arms and kissing her softly. "It's

perfect," I whispered against her lips. She responded by wrapping her arms

around my neck and molding her body against mine. The kiss deepened and I

took the time to learn the feel and taste of her. I'd kissed her many times

over the last year, but they were chaste, gentle, affectionate kisses. Now

I finally felt able to put all the passion I felt for her into a kiss.

Cordelia whimpered quietly into my mouth as her hands slipped around my

neck and her fingers ran through my hair.

Long minutes passed as our lips dueled. Finally I pulled my lips away from

hers and rested my head against her shoulder. "Wow."

"Wow yourself," Cordelia said as her fingers moved up to the buttons on my

shirt. "I've wanted to do that for a long time."

"Really?" I asked as I slid my hands up and down her silk covered back. I

was trying desperately to ignore the heat I could feel building as Cordelia

slowly undid the buttons of my shirt. "What stopped you?"

"I guess I was just afraid of changing things between us. But then Kate and

I talked tonight. And I realized that there was nothing to be afraid of."

As she said that she pulled my shirt out from my pants and pushed it off my

shoulders. I shuddered as her cool hands touched my bare skin.

"You don't need to be afraid of me. And as for this," I said as my hands

untied the sash of her silk robe. "This is nothing to be afraid of. This

is me," I kissed her. "Showing you," I pushed the robe off her shoulders.

"Exactly how much," my hands slid up her bare arms. "I love you."

Cordelia stopped suddenly and lifted luminous eyes to face me. "You love

me?"

I brought my hand up and rested it against her face. "With all my heart."

"Oh. You never said after that one time...I wasn't sure."

"I do."

She kissed me then and smiled a brilliant smile. "And I love you too."

After that there was no need for words, only soft caresses and smoldering

kisses. Slowly I edged backwards until I felt the edge of the bed behind my

knees. Wrapping my arms around her, I fell back unto the bed. Cordelia

squeaked in surprise at her new position but quickly adjusted as I slid my

mouth down her neck and across her collarbone.

"That feels nice."

"I'm glad," I said as I reluctantly pulled my lips away. "Cor, sweetheart,

I need to get a little more comfortable." She looked at me with a confused

expression in her eyes. I pulled a hand away from her back and gestured at

my pants. "They're just a little uncomfortable now princess."

"Oh," she said as her face reddened. Rising to her feet she held out a hand

to me. I took it and stood up next to the bed, frowning in confusion when

she slipped past me and slid under the blankets. "Silly...Get comfortable

and come join me," she said as the held the blankets up in invitation.

"Sorry, all the excitement...I get a little dense sometimes." I quickly

shed my pants and slid under the covers next to her. "Now where were we?" I

asked as my lips returned to the soft skin of her neck. Slowly I let my

lips travel down her neck to the swell of her breasts where they lie hidden

under the silk of her negligee. "Oh Cor," I whispered as a slowly pushed

the thin strap of silk aside. "Let me see you."

Pushing herself up into a seated position Cordelia slowly pulled the silk

nightie over her head and then lay back down next me. She blushed ever so

faintly as I tenderly slid my hand over her bare skin. "Oh, you are so

beautiful."

Still moving slowly, I returned my lips to the skin of her breasts. Ever so

gently I moved my lips over them. Slowly letting her become used to the

feel of this intimate contact. She shuddered softly as my hand traced a

path down her side and onto the satin skin of her thigh. As my hand slipped

down and over the dark curls at the junction of her thighs I returned my

lips to her face. Carefully I placed soft kisses over her closed eyelids.

"Princess, do you want me to stop? I don't want to hurt you."

Her arms wrapped around me and pulled my body down onto hers. "No, don't

stop. Please," she whispered. "This is wonderful..."

I smiled as her voice trailed off. "Okay. Just trust me. I'd never hurt

you." Slowly I slid my hand down between her legs and gently slid a finger

between her delicate folds. She shuddered and pushed against me. "Shush,"

I murmured as I kissed her. "All in good time."

Long moments passed as I gently stroked her sensitive core. I was

concentrating so much on the feel of her body moving against mine that I

was momentarily surprised when I felt Cordelia's hands push at my boxers.

Lifting my weight I helped her push them off. Settling back down on the bed

I gasped as Cordelia took me in her hands. "Oh sweetheart," I breathed.

"Doyle, please...I want..." Cordelia panted breathlessly.

I moved my body over hers and slowly lowered myself until we touched skin

to skin, heat to heat. With one slow push I felt myself slide into her warm,

moist heat. I held still, allowing her to get used to the feel of me. "I

love you," I said as I rained small kisses down on her face.

Cordelia opened her eyes and smiled at me. "Show me," she said as she slid

her arms up my back and pulled me against her. Smiling, I began to move

slowly, enjoying the feel of her wrapped around me so intimately.

After what seemed like an eternity, I could hear Cordelia's breathing

quicken and feel her muscles tightening around me. I gasped and quickened

the rhythm of my movements. She shuddered in climax against me and I

followed, collapsing against her.

We were silent for several minutes, enjoying the new intimacy between us.

Rolling onto my back, I pulled Cordelia close and wrapped my arms around

her. "I love you," I repeated.

"And I love you. For this and for everything you've done for me this year.

I never would have made it without you."

"Well I'm glad I was here to help. Glad that you let me." I brushed her

hair back and kissed her forehead.

"It's hard for me to accept help. But somehow I could never say no to you."

Cordelia smiled and ran her hand down my chest. "You're pretty

persistent."

"Only when it really matters." I could feel her relaxing against me and I

kissed her forehead once again. "Go to sleep now."

"Hold me?"

"I'll never let go," I promised.