Title: The Things You Take For Granted
Author: Angel
Rated: PG-14
Spoilers: Big time Heroes 
Summary: Cordy Angst. Pretty much it.
Disclaimer: Can you say, Joss killed him?? okay, so he still owns him in a
tecnical "he wrote the scripts" sort of way, but hey, still not fair! Oh,
yeah, he owns Cordy and Angel too... Distribution: Take it, just say where
it's going....
Author's Notes: I kinda hated the ending but felt bad too, so, here's
some angst. Although, I still think Joss is watching us...
Feedback: Could you, really, Cause I love it!


~*~*~*~*~*~

How could he? He left us in that tiny second. That sounds selfish, doesn't
it? Something I've grown to try and banish from my thoughts. But old
habits die hard.

The things to take for granted when you have everything. Yeah, I'm poor. I
went from riches to nothing, but I had something. It took and LA bound
Angel to show me that. And I don't mean Angel the vampire.

Doyle showed me so much and I didn't see it till now. He gave me a place to
stay. His is the first house I called after the roach insident. And then he
helped me find that great home. I know, it was spirit infested but,
Dennis is okay.

Out of everything though, he gave me his heart. No one ever did that for me
before. I mean, Xander loved me, but I don't know how much so. But Doyle...
he just seemed so there, that I took it for granted.

I think I tried to avoid the whole 'in love' thing for as long as I could.
But when Kate said it was so obvious, I couldn't believe it. And I hinted
to Angel I liked him, but didn't know how to show it. He showed it in the
most obvious ways possible.

And I treated him like shit. Someone to walk over like I do everyone else.
I do this every time and yet I still don't learn. And now look what I have to
show for it. I don't even have a grave to mourn over. Not even dust, Buffy
would at least have dust.

Angel and I watched that video and everythig seemed so right. Angel was
actually the first to turn it on. I heard Doyle's voice and turned, hoping
it was him, that it was just a dream. And then I saw the tv. I guess I'm
glad he did that video thing after all. Now I can keep his voice, his face,
everything with me.

Angel offered to walk me home, or give me a ride. Maybe stay there the
night. But I just simply told him no. I had to be alone. But not at home. 

I went to Doyle's place. I grabbed one of his shirts, and wrapped it around me. 

I smelt in the room and didn't smell bong-water like before. I smelt him. The
masquelin colon he wore.

I started to cry again. I couldn't control the tears. Not anymore. Every
time things seemed good they were taken from me. Every time.

As I cried, I swear I felt him behind me. Wrapping me in his arms, telling
me in a silent way not to cry, that everything was fine. That we can get
past this, we always do. But I'm just crazy to think that. He wasn't here,
he couldn't be. I watched as he pulled the plug and as he turned to nothing.
He gave his life for me, and Angel and all thoughs demons below. He gave up on
something just for him. He didn't care he'd never see me again, or that
he was going to die. He just did what he wanted to do.

Now all I have left are these bits and pieces of things. The tape, my
apartment, his things. I'm sure Angel wouldn't care if I took some things,
just as a reminder. But I can't help but feel a piece of him in me. Like
when we kissed, he gave me something to remember him by. But I just don't know
what.

All I know is, is I'm in his apartment weaping for him. I'll cry all night.
Most likely will, without a choice. But I'm not leaving this room tonight.
Not till morning. I want to just crawl into his bed and think the covers
are him, covering all my sadness and sorrow till morning breaks.


~*~*~*~*~*~