Title: Feels Like Home (5-9)
By: Christine & Andrea
E-mail: cluland@h..., anewbery@h...
Rating: PG
Summary: The long awaited sequel to "Almost A Very Good Life"  
Spoilers: Angel Season 1 (I'm not happy with season 2 at the moment 
and prefer not to dwell on it.)
Disclaimer: All characters belong to the evil Joss Whedon.  We're 
just borrowing them for a bit to give them the happy ending they 
deserve!
Feedback:  We live for it!  Besides which, the story is still only 
half written and I'm hoping feedback will inspire us.
Distribution: Rebecca if she wants it.  Everyone else ask and you 
will receive.

Notes - First off, we're sorry this took so long to get written.  We 
actually started kicking various story ideas around in January of 
last year.  Unfortunately real life kept interrupting the fic 
writing.  But we hope you think it was worth the wait.

Secondly, a huge thank-you to Ellen.  Without her inspiration, some 
of the later chapters wouldn't be nearly as interesting.

Finally, this story is dedicated to three incredible fanfic writers.  
First there's Perri of SunS fame.  Please write more 'Forgiven', as 
we desperately need a non-evil Lindsey fix.  And then there's Ryo & 
Jo.  Ryo & Jo don't write Buffy or Angel fic (at least not that I'm 
aware of), but they do write absolutely incredible West Wing fic.  
We're in awe of you...


~*~*~*~*~*~

Harry -


From the letters that Cordelia shared with me over the years, I knew 
the Javaran cared for her.  But I have to admit that I was surprised 
by exactly how much they demonstrated that caring during our first 
few days on the island.  Maybe I've lived in LA to long, or maybe it 
had just been too long since I'd see relative strangers go out of 
their way for one another.  Whatever the reason, once Cordelia 
announced her intentions of staying on the island and raising the 
children herself, the Javaran went to town.  Within two days the men 
had built her a small cabin filled with simple furnishings.  The 
women provided dishes and plant cuttings for the small garden in 
front of the house.  They brought clothing for the children and 
simple toys.  I was amazed that people who lived so simply could 
give so much.  Everyone except Francis that is...

Through all the hustle of building the cabin and getting Cordelia and 
the children settled he had kept quiet, merely watching the activity 
with darkened eyes.  But it was apparent to all of us that he wasn't 
happy.  In the week since we'd come to the island he'd welcomed 
Fallon to his school, taken the baby from Bydel's arms and sung her a 
sweet Gaelic lullaby.  But any conversation he had with Cordelia or I 
was only about why Cordelia shouldn't stay on the island.  Tonight 
the usual peace and serenity of the evening fire were once again 
spoiled by his insistence that we both return to LA as soon as 
possible.  Which is why I now found myself comforting Cordelia over a 
late night cup of tea.

"He doesn't want me to stay." Cordelia said softly, taking a sip from 
her cup as if the words weren't killing her.

"He doesn't think you want to stay." I corrected her gently. I could 
have added more, like that Francis was a bull-headed idiot, blinded 
by love, but now wasn't the time.

Cordelia shook her head, setting her cup down and turning to 
me. "What more do I have to do to make him believe this is what I 
want?"

"I don't know," I admitted. "I had the same kind of problem when we 
were married, you know. Francis was sure that I couldn't love him any 
more, that I only stayed with him out of pity after his demon side 
came out. I tried every way I could to prove to him that he was 
wrong, but he wouldn't pay attention to anything I said, anything I 
did."

"So, you gave up." Cordelia's voice sounded harsh, and she seemed to 
hear it herself, because she caught herself right away. "Harry, I'm 
sorry -"

"Don't be. You're right. I did give up. Not right away, but 
eventually I walked away from him.  It was what he wanted me to do, 
what he expected, and at the time it seemed like the only way to save 
my own sanity."

"And now?"

"Now I wonder what would have happened if I had stayed to fight." I 
looked across the rough-hewn table at her pale, tense face, and 
added, "But I didn't, and I can't change what happened then. It's too 
late for Francis and I, Cordelia, by years and years. But it's not 
too late for you."

"I'm not sure about that," she answered bitterly. "God, Harry, it's 
everything we could ever want and he won't reach out and take it. 
This place," and she gestured around her at the small home that 
Keidan and the others had built for her and the children, "you know, 
years ago I could never have appreciated any of this.  Not just this 
house, although I wouldn't have called it a house back then, or this 
island - I didn't know what home meant, and now I do. Once, all that 
I could see was the outside of things. Even when I knew there was 
more, I closed my eyes to it.  I didn't want to know. I didn't want 
to care. And when he looks at me, that's still the person he sees, 
the person I was when we first met."

"You've grown up so much since then."

"I know that.  You know that. Angel knew that," and Cordelia's eyes 
gleamed for a moment with the threat of tears. "Doyle - I thought he 
knew that.  The letters we wrote...  The things we said... But 
suddenly he's treating me like it's two and a half years ago and I'm 
still the shallow bitch he first met.  He doesn't want to face how 
much I've changed. That what I want has changed.  He has me fixed in 
his mind the way I was."

"He's a stubborn man."

Cordelia laughed, but there wasn't all that much humor in it. "You 
can say that again about a million times. Can you believe that the 
only thing I miss about L.A. now is Dennis?"

"Your ghost?"

"Yeah.  He would have been a great help with the baby.  I'm sure he 
would have kept that cradle rocking all night."  Cordelia cast a fond 
glance at the small cradle in the corner and I had to smile at the 
look on her face.  "People, alive or dead or undead or whatever - 
there was a time they didn't mean anything to me, you know?  But that 
was before I went to LA..." She laughed softly, "And now that it's 
all changed, I can't find a way to prove that to Doyle. I thought 
that changing myself was the hardest thing I'd ever have to do, but, 
wrong again. Convincing Doyle, that's even harder."

She looked at me, and I could feel her frustration, a feeling I knew 
so well. "I know why you gave up, Harry. I don't blame you. There are 
so many times I feel like giving up on him, too, but I can't. I just 
can't."

"You'll get through to him eventually.  I wasn't strong enough, at 
least not then, but I think you are."

"I hope so," she whispered.  "But how can I show him, when he won't 
let me get close enough to try?"

I sighed.  "If there was a simple answer, I'd have found it myself.  
It's just going to take a lot of time, and a lot of patience, I 
suppose. Easy to say, isn't it?"

"Yeah."

"You're going to win in the end Cordelia.  Ultimately you're more 
stubborn then Francis is.  Remember when you made Angel sign up for 
dancing lessons?"  I wasn't sure if bringing up memories of our lost 
friend was the way to make Cordelia smile.  But if anything was going 
to lighten her dejected mood, the memory of Angel learning to salsa 
would certainly do it.

"It was only fair!  He lost the bet!"  She giggled then, "It was well 
worth the effort when we were investigating that club in the Valley."

"Well there you go.  You got a vampire with two left feet to take 
dance lessons.  And to learn enough to place in a dance contest.  A 
demon with a heart of gold, saddled with self-esteem issues?  No 
problem!"

Cordelia nodded, a determined look in her eye.  "It might be a long 
tough battle.  But I am going to win!  He's not going to know what 
hit him."


~*~*~*~*~*~

Doyle - 


I watch her everyday. Reiff says obsessively, but I'm not willing to 
admit it's gone that far yet. Sometimes I feel like I'm staring at a 
stranger. She's so quiet, so calm; the baby she brought with her 
always nestled in her arms. I saw her sitting with Fallon yesterday, 
the two of them watching in wonder as a baby bird struggled to make 
it's first flight. She's so good with him, so patient and 
understanding as he tries to make sense of the new life he's been 
thrust into.

Other times, she's the Cordy I knew. She got Keidan and Dryan to 
build her a house and to thank her for letting them. And the other 
day, one of the elders knocked into Fallon, and I thought for a 
moment that Cordy was going to tear him into a thousand pieces with 
her tongue alone.

But she didn't. Instead, she accepted his apology, and smiled away 
Fallon's tears as she helped him up.

And for some reason, it frightens me. Reiff would say it's because 
every day she's here, she proves again and again that she fits in, 
that she's content.

The thing is; I want more for her than that. More than no running 
water and outhouses. More than no electricity and cooking food over 
an open fire. She deserves more.

She's a city girl, bright lights, big city, the whole thing. I've 
seen her in LA, seen the light in her eyes as she looked in store 
windows, and  the joy she felt over a new pair of shoes. If she 
stays here, Prada  shoes will be a thing of the past.  Three-inch
heels aren't meant for trekking through the jungle.

I can't let her do this. I can't let her sacrifice her life for this.

She's got options she's not even looking at. She's so caught up in 
taking care of the children, and dealing with Angel being gone that 
she's not thinking straight.

But I am.

I've tried to talk to her, to talk to Harry, to make them both see 
that her staying here is wrong.  But at best they ignore me.  At 
worst, they start to list all the reasons why Cordelia staying on the 
island is a good thing.  And I can't listen that.  Their reasons are 
wrong but sometimes, just for a second, they make me think, they make 
me imagine, and those are thoughts I can't have.

Last night I upset Cordelia.  I didn't mean to.  I know how much she 
enjoys the ritual of the evening fire and I try to avoid her then.  I 
know it upsets her that I don't join her there.  But I can't, to join 
her there, at something that is so important to the community, it 
would me I accept her decision to stay.  I won't do that.  So 
instead, I lurk in the shadows and avoid her.  But last night I 
couldn't help myself.  She looked so peaceful, so much apart of the 
group.  She was sitting with Reiff, holding the baby as he made faces 
it at and gently rubbed the little girl's cheek.  For a second I 
envied him his place next to Cordelia where he could smell her clean 
scent and feel the heat of her skin.  Just for a moment I thought 
about how easy it would be for me to walk across the clearing and 
take his place.  She would welcome me.  I know it.  She would welcome 
me, demon face, demon heart, into the life she's building here.  But 
I can't have that.  I don't deserve that.  And I can't have her here 
tempting me.  So I crossed the clearing, but I crossed in anger.  The 
end result?  Cordelia left in tears with Harry following close 
behind, but only after she shot me a look of absolute disgust and 
frustration.

So that's why this morning I left Reiff in charge of the classroom 
and came here to try once more to explain to Cordelia why she should 
leave.  There was a supply ship coming in three days.  With any luck, 
she would be on it and I would no longer have to listen to the dreams 
of a heart that tempted me with the impossible.

I started walking quickly as I came out of the shadows of the trees 
that surrounded the small cabin that had quickly been built for her. 
I could hear a baby's outraged wailing as I rounded the house, taking 
the few steps to the door in a quick jump.

I knocked softly, but there was no response. Pushing the door open 
slowly, I walked into the room. It was empty except for Cordelia and 
the red-faced, angry bundle in her arms. She was pacing the room 
rapidly, humming soothingly to the infant.

She stopped when she caught sight of me, shifting the baby to her 
shoulder and reaching up to push the mass of hair that had fallen 
over her face behind her ears. "Doyle."

"Is she sick?" I asked quietly, motioning to the baby.

Cordy shook her head, patting the crying baby's back. "No."

"Then why is she crying?" I questioned, looking around the room 
again. "Do you want me to get Bydel?"

Cordelia stiffened. "She's crying because that's what babies do.  And 
I am perfectly capable of taking care of her myself."

"But you don't have to." I told her. "Bydel will take her. She'll 
take Fallon too. You don't have to do this."

She stared at me silently for a minute, her eyes welling with 
tears. "I want to do this Doyle."

"But maybe Bydel could calm her down." I continued stubbornly.

Cordelia resumed pacing; her head bent low over the child's 
body. "That's not what you mean.  She's my responsibility."

"She'll always have a home here. Bydel will love her as much as she 
loves her own children."

Cordelia froze, her eyes avoiding me as she answered. "She's mine 
Doyle."

"I don't want you to ruin your life."

She stared at me then, her eyes wide with frustration. "And I didn't 
want you to kick me out of yours, but I didn't get a choice there, 
did I?"

"I didn't kick you out." I protested, taking a step closer to her.

"Really?" She asked, her eyebrows raised in disbelief. She cuddled 
the baby tightly, leaning down to plant a kiss on tip of one tiny 
horn. "Then you haven't actually been avoiding me?  Wait, let me 
clarify that.  You haven't actually been avoiding me other then the 
few times you decided to lecture me on exactly how big of a mistake 
I'm making and listing all the reasons I should head back to LA on 
the next boat!"

I hesitated, not knowing how to answer her. I couldn't exactly say 
that while I hadn't been speaking with her, I had been stalking 
her. "You've been busy."

"You're damn right I've been busy." She exclaimed. "I've been trying 
to comfort Fallon, and take care of this baby. I don't know how to 
do any of  this Doyle, but I'm trying anyway."

"And I'm just saying you don't have to."

"No." She shook her head. "You're just saying I can't. I see you 
Doyle, hiding in the shadows, waiting for me to throw my hands up in 
defeat. Waiting for me to run back to the real world with my tail 
between my legs." She advanced on me, her voice rising over the 
baby's wails. "But you know what, I'm not going to. What I want out 
of life may have changed, but who am I hasn't. I'm not a quitter and
I'm not going to fail. So, if you want to avoid me, fine. Stay away. 
But don't hover around waiting to pick up the pieces  when I fall. 
It isn't going to happen."

She was breathing heavy when she finished, her cheeks flushed with 
color. I dropped my head, holding my hands out in a gesture of 
peace. "I never thought you'd fail Cordy. I know you won't. I just 
don't want you to trap yourself in a live you don't deserve."

"I don't deserve this? Family? Friends? Comfort? I don't deserve any 
of it?"

"That's not what I meant."

"Well it's what this place means to me." She walked over to the 
window; the baby's cries weakening into sniffles as Cordelia rocked 
her gently in her arms.

"Angel told me I wouldn't be alone.  And I know that he loved Gunn 
and Harry, Kate and Wesley.  But when he said that, he didn't mean 
them.  He meant you!  I know he meant that you'd be here for me, but 
you're not."

"I'm here for you." I whispered, feeling my stomach clench at the 
pain in her voice.

"You here for me if I need help packing my bags." She responded 
bitterly. "And I'm sure you'd be willing to row me to the mainland 
if it meant you could be rid of me."

"Cordy..."

She shook her head, her eyes flashing angrily as she cut me 
off. "Angel's gone Doyle. He's gone. And do you know what I kept 
thinking the whole way here? Doyle can make this better. I just have 
to get to him and I'll be fine. But I was wrong, wasn't I? You sent 
me all those letters, and I thought you were healing. I thought you 
would help me." Her voice trailed off, tears slipping in a long line
down her face.

"I want to help you." I whispered, moving to stand in front of 
her. "It's the only thing I want. But you've been given a chance here 
Cordy, to escape the PTB, to escape this life. You can do anything 
you want now. Go anywhere. But instead you're settling in here. 
Pretending that this is the life you want, and I can't watch you do 
that."

"This is the life I want." She said firmly, her voice catching. "It's 
the life I've dreamed of every night for the past two years. This island, 
these people, you. It's everything I want."

"It can't be."

"Why not?" She asked softly.  "I just didn't want to get it like 
this. I didn't want Angel to die so that I could come back here." She 
looked up; her eyes filled with unshed tears. "We were going to come 
visit you know, in the fall. We were going to come together."

"Princess..."

"I miss him." She whispered, leaning her head gently on the baby's 
head. "I can't believe that I'm never going to see him again."

"I'm so sorry."

"Me too." She breathed, lifting her eyes to look at me. "But I 
thought I still had you Doyle."

"You do."

"Only if I do it on your terms, and I can't.  I did it once before 
and it hurt like hell.  I can't put myself through that again." She 
shook her head, walking over to the door to the cabin and pulling it 
open. "I have to get her to sleep Doyle, you'll have to leave."

"We need to talk."

She walked away from the door, humming softly to the baby. "It's 
waited this long, it can wait a little while longer."

"I want to help." I said, trying to reassure her, or maybe me. Or 
maybe just try and take that lost look from her eyes. "In any way I 
can."

She smiled, but it wasn't real. "I'm not leaving."

I nodded, deciding that for now, I would back down. She needed to 
heal. And for some reason, she thought I could help her with that. I 
couldn't turn from her, not now. Later, I thought, when she's past 
the shock, she'll come to her senses. "I won't ask you too." I 
promised.

She smiled again, this one a little more hopeful. "Thank you."

"Do you still want me to leave?" I asked softly.

She nodded, chewing on her lower lip. "We'll be okay." She whispered, 
looking down at the child who was finally sleeping quietly in her 
arms. "We're a team."

I didn't say anything else as I slipped out of the cabin, leaving her 
behind.  Harry was sitting on the front step, looking out over her 
sunglasses to glare at me. "What are you thinking?"

"What?" I asked, walking to the bottom of the steps and turning 
around to face her.

"Why are you doing this to her? She needs you."

"I'm here."

She snorted, rolling her eyes. "Hiding in the bushes doesn't count."

So much for my dreams of becoming a super spy. I couldn't even hide 
from my ex-wife. "I was watching out for her."

"She doesn't need you to protect her Francis, she needs you to mourn 
with her.  She's hurting and she's scared and the last thing she 
needs is you there backing up her fear, telling her that she's not 
going to make it."

"I not that I think that she can't do it, I think that she shouldn't 
do it."

"And you're wrong." Harry replied firmly, standing up and walking to 
stand directly in front of me. "So stop being an idiot and start 
being her friend."

"I am." I answered weakly.

"Then act like it." Harry ordered.

"I promised her I wouldn't mention her leaving again." I informed 
her, neglecting to tell her that I only intended to keep that promise 
until she was feeling better.

"But for how long?" Harry asked, fixing me with a glare that reminded 
me why I'd never bothered trying to lie to her when we were married. 
She always managed to see through me.

"What kind of life can she have here? I'm stuck here Harry; there 
isn't anywhere else for me to go, but Cordelia? She's free."

"Exactly. She's free. And she's chosen to stay. It's her choice 
Doyle, and she's made it. Are you so blind that you don't understand 
she decided to come back long before Angel died? You should have 
heard how she talked about this place, like it was some sort of 
heaven. And no, maybe she wasn't planning on coming so soon, or under 
these circumstances, but she was planning on coming."

"She would have changed her mind." I said stubbornly.

"She hasn't in the last two years."

I shifted uncomfortably, looking up at the window of the cabin, half 
expecting Cordy to be there, watching. She wasn't though, and Harry 
was waiting for me to say something. "Do you remember when we first 
got married? We had so many plans. I was going to teach, and we were 
going to have tons of kids. But those dreams all died when I found 
out about my father."

"They didn't die Francis." Harry replied, her voice thick with 
emotion. "You can still have all that. You already have most of it. 
You teach; you have a family here. And Cordy. She's brought you 
children, if you can accept them."

"I couldn't do it with you, and I could still pretend I was human 
then."

"We were young Francis, and we were scared."

"I loved you."

Harry nodded. "I loved you too. And now Cordy loves you, and she's 
strong enough to keep loving you in spite of what a total jerk you 
can be."

"I don't want her to love me."  I whispered.

Harry shook her head, a small smile lighting her lips. "Yes you do. 
You want it more than you've ever wanted anything. You're just 
scared.  Because accepting that she loves you means you're going to 
have to accept yourself."

Deep inside, I know what she said was the truth.  But the truth 
wasn't something I was ready to face just then.  Instead I settled 
for repeating the excuse I'd been offering for days.  "I'm scared 
she'll have to settle for this life, like I've had too."

"How have you settled?" Harry asked, her voice exasperated. She shook 
her had and started up the stairs.  Reaching the door she turned 
around and looked at me intently.  "Other than the neighborhood pub, 
what exactly are you missing?"

I could only stare as she slipped through the door into the cabin.  I 
wish I knew what the answer was.


~*~*~*~*~*~

Cordelia - 


"I'm going to miss sharing these late nights with you.  You know 
that, don't you?"  It's funny, in the three weeks that we've been on 
the island, certain things have become rituals.  Each day we meet 
Fallon for lunch by the pond, each evening the four of us join the 
Javaran as they gather round the fire, and each night we wake for tea 
at 3:00 a.m. when the baby wants her bottle.

Harry laughed as she stirred her tea.  "Well I happen to be looking 
forward to getting a full night's sleep.  If I never have kids, it'll 
be all your fault."

I wasn't looking forward to Harry's departure at the end of the week, 
but I knew she had to leave if she was going to get back to LA in 
time to meet Wesley when he returned from England.  "Don't blame me.  
You don't have to get up."

"Cordelia, there's only a curtain separating my bed from the rest of 
the house.  Its not like you could shut the door and I wouldn't hear 
you."

The door to the cabin swung open and Bydel stepped through the 
opening.  "I got up to get a drink and I saw the light on.  Is this 
little munchkin hungry again?" Smiling, she ran a gentle finger down 
the baby's leg.  "Do you want me to finish feeding her?  Maybe you'd 
like some more sleep?"

Sleep?  I'd forgotten what an uninterrupted night's sleep was like.  
But I couldn't accept Bydel's kind offer.  I needed to prove that I 
could handle this, that I could be a mother to these children.  And 
if that meant not sleeping through the night for the next twenty 
years, well, I could handle that.  "Thank you, but it's okay.  I can 
handle it."

"Cordelia, don't get carried away proving a point to Doyle," Bydel 
stated.  

Harry laughed, "Sometimes I wonder how the two of you will ever exist 
in the same house. Between Cordy here, and Francis, I'd say they've 
got the market cornered on stubbornness." She paused, her face 
growing somber as she looked at me. "For the record, I'm rooting for 
you."

I smiled quickly; ignoring the shiver of longing that ran through me 
at the thought of Doyle and I sharing a house. At the rate we were 
going now, it was hard to see it ever happening. "He's been hanging 
around a bit." I whispered, trying to keep the hope out of my 
voice. "And yesterday, he even sat with me while I fed the baby." I 
grinned, shaking my head ruefully, "Of course, he only wanted to talk 
about Fallon's schoolwork, but..."

"That's a start." Bydel offered. "He's starting to accept you as 
Fallon's parent."

I nodded, chewing thoughtfully on my lip. "It was nice to actually 
have a conversation with him that didn't include him telling me to 
leave."

"He's afraid." Harry said, leaning forward in her chair.

"Because accepting that you want to stay here means accepting that 
you love him." Bydel added.

"And that means accepting himself." I finished for them, closing my 
eyes as I leaned back in the chair. "Which brings us back to his 
stubbornness." And that, I thought, was the biggest problem of all.

We were silent for a while, the three of us watching the baby gulp 
hungrily from her bottle. Bydel turned to Harry finally and asked in 
a low voice about her trip home.

The baby finished her bottle and I moved her to my shoulder.  Patting 
her back, I gently crooned to her under my breath as Bydel and Harry 
discussed Harry's travel plans back to LA.  "She doesn't have a name 
yet," I said suddenly.

"No, really?  I thought Baby worked fine."

"Smartass!  She needs a real name.  I can't keep calling her Baby for 
the rest of her life.  My God, she'll think I obsessed on an Eighties 
movie or something." In some ways I was amazed that I'd let something 
so important slip my mind for so long.  But I guess it was to be 
expected.  Between the rush and sorrow of getting to the island and 
then the turmoil I'd been experiencing with Doyle I guess something 
had to get lost in the schuffle.

"When was she born?  How many weeks ago?" Bydel asked.

"She'll be four weeks old tomorrow night.  Why?"

"That's perfect."  Bydel reached out and took the baby from my arms.  
Settling her comfortably in the crook of her elbow, she smiled at 
me.  "According to tradition, Javaran children are named and accepted 
in the clan four weeks after birth."  With a look a Harry, she 
continued.  "I think the reason we wait four weeks dates back to the 
time when we weren't sure if our children would survive the first 
weeks of life.  Now it's just tradition.  And there's a lot of 
significance attached to the name parents will give their child.  
Keidan and I named Reiff after Keidan's father.  Belina is named 
after the woman who taught me healing.  They were people that were 
important to us.  We hoped that by naming the children after them, 
they would in some way emulate them."  

"You would do that?  Accept her into the clan?"  I was shocked, but 
delighted.

"Why wouldn't we?  We've accepted you."

"You have?" Puzzled, I waited for Bydel to explain.  I couldn't help 
but laugh at the look on Harry's face.  Like I had noticed so many 
times during the past three weeks, she had her observer face on as 
she intently listened to Bydel speak.

"It's true that basic clan ties are through kinship.  But there are 
many people here who aren't blood relations.  There really aren't 
rules about accepting someone into the clan, Cordelia.  We don't take 
a vote and hand out team shirts.  It's just something that happens.  
Everyone has to fit together.  Does that make sense?"  Rising to her 
feet, Bydel walked to the cradle and placed the sleeping baby inside.

"It makes perfect sense."  A million thoughts and emotions were 
careening through my mind as I tried to get the words out to describe 
the feeling in my heart.  "You know, back when I had it all, I never 
really fit in.  But in LA and  now, in this place..." 

Bydel and Harry both smiled sympathetically as the tears 
automatically welled up in my eyes.  But for the first time in a 
month, they were happy tears.  "We were family, Doyle, Angel and I.  
They liked me for who I really was inside, not because I dressed in 
the most expensive fashions or drove the best car.  They liked me.  
Cordelia Chase, poor, whined too much, was hooked on mochachinos, me."

The emotions whirling inside me wouldn't let me remain seated.  
Standing up, I started to pace aimlessly around the small room.  "Did 
you know that I haven't heard from Helen, cause God forbid you call 
her mother - it implies that she's old, in almost a year?  The last 
letter I received said that she had gotten married.  Do you believe 
that?  He's several years younger then she is so I'm sure the last 
thing she wants is a twenty-two year old daughter to show up and 
remind him of the age difference.  And my father?  He's too busy 
trying to recoup his millions to even remember he has a daughter."

My wanderings had brought me to Bydel's side.  Impulsively I threw my 
arms around her, careful not to disturb the sleeping baby.  "You've 
been more of a mother to me in the last two years then Helen has been 
in my entire life."

She hugged me back and then gently placed the baby in my arms.  "And 
I've always wanted another daughter.  But I'm not so sure about this 
grandma thing.  I'm still young!"  She rose to her feet then and 
started to the door.  "I'd better get back to bed and the two of you 
should get some more rest.  We'll have a lot to do tomorrow if we're 
going to have a ceremony and feast tomorrow night."

I was still giddy as I placed the baby in the cradle and Harry 
returned to her bed.  I was excited and thrilled.  My heart was 
pulsing with what can only be described as pure joy.  But at the same 
time I felt this incredible peace settling over me.  Don't get me 
wrong, I didn't forget Angel and sometimes when I think of everything 
he lost by the prophecy being wrong, by him dying as a vampire, I 
want to rage at the PTB's, at God, at the universe for the unfairness 
of it all.  But then I think about me, and about the children.  I'm 
still here and I know that he would want me, us, to be happy.  I know 
there still were things I needed to settle with Doyle and I know that 
it's going to be a long hard fight until I do.  But tonight, for the 
first time, I really felt like everything was going to work out in 
the end.


~*~*~*~*~*~

Doyle - 


I don't know why the idea of a naming ceremony surprised me.  The 
Javaran are big on tradition.  It seemed only right that there was a 
tradition to welcoming a new life to the clan.  But why does it feel 
so wrong to me?  I guess it's because I feel like it's another link 
in the chain that's holding Cordelia to this island.  Another tie to 
a place she really doesn't belong.

"Are you going to brood all night?  You're almost as bad as Angel 
was."

I looked up as Harry sat down on the log next to me, her notebook in 
hand and a disapproving frown on her face.  "She shouldn't be doing 
this."

"Francis, you know I've never been one for physical violence.  But so 
help me, I may have to slap you.  She needs you."

I had to shake my head at that.  "She doesn't need me.  She has 
Bydel, Keidan.  Hell, she has the whole damn village.  They all love 
her."

"Yes they do.  She's like a daughter to Bydel and Keidan, a beloved 
niece or friend to the others.  But who's going to love her?  Who's 
going to build a life with her?  Be a father to her children?  She 
needs you most of all." She was almost pleading with me at the end 
and I could see how desperately she believed those words.  "I'm 
leaving at the end of the week Francis.  I'd like to know that my 
friend is happy."

"She'll be happy, Harry.  You know she will.  Cordelia Chase is 
getting what she wants.  She's staying here, no matter how wrong it 
is." 

"She won't get what she really wants until you open up to her 
Francis."

"Harry, I can't.  It's not possible." I waited for Harry to answer 
but she only shook her head at me and turned her attention to her 
notebook as Cordelia, Keidan and the elders of the Clan filed in and 
surrounded the ceremonial dais.  I couldn't do anything then except 
watch.

She looked so beautiful, holding the baby in her arms as if she was 
born to be a mother. It's strange, in all the time I've spent 
fantasizing about Cordelia Chase, I never once pictured her as a 
mother. Maybe that's because I was always picturing her with me, and 
I can't ever be a father. She is a mother though. Even I can't deny 
that. The look in her eyes when she's holding the baby, or talking to 
Fallon is the same look I used to see in my Mother's eyes.

"We are gathered here today to name this child, the newest member of 
the Javaran clan." Keidan's strong voice echoes throughout the warm 
night air. I nod as he speaks, grateful that this child will always 
have a home here, with these people.

Cordelia stepped forward, the baby sleeping peacefully in her arms. 
Keidan held out his hands and Cordelia placed the baby in them, her 
head dropping in a bow as she takes a step back. Keidan walked over 
to the elders, holding the baby out to them for their inspection. 
Their murmured approval filled the air as he set the baby down on a 
bed of leaves.

"This child, a child of the Javaran, must be given a name. Who here 
hopes to offer a name for her? A name that will honor both the past 
and the future, the good and the bad, and most of all, will offer a 
protection of love?" 

"I do." Cordelia said softly, as she stepped forward once again. Her 
hair was hanging loose down her back, the firelight intensifying the 
highlights in it.

"And you are?" Keidan answered formally.

"I am her mother." Cordelia whispered, her voice breaking with 
emotion.

"Very well." Keidan nodded, "And the name you are offering?"

"Lia." Cordelia breathed, her eyes darting across the fire to meet 
mine.

I nodded slowly, understanding what she was doing; the friend she was 
remembering.

"And she is named for?"

"My best friend." Cordelia lifted one trembling hand to her face, 
brushing away a tear. "I name her for Angel, who was born Liam."

"Why do you choose this name for your child?" An elder asked her.

"Because Angel was everything that's good and brave in this world. 
Because he died to protect her, and to protect me, because..." Her 
voice cracked and she stopped, taking a deep breath before 
continuing. "Angel was a vampire. He died a vampire. But before that, 
before everything he was a boy named Liam. A man who never got to 
find out who he would have been if he hadn't come across a vampire in 
an alley one night. A man who regretted every horrible thing he did 
as a vampire, as well as everything he didn't do as a mortal." Tears 
were running freely down her face as she spoke. "I asked him once, 
why he didn't go back to being Liam after his soul was returned, and 
he told me he didn't deserve that name anymore. That Liam had been a 
person, as flawed as he was, and that Angel wasn't." She paused 
again, her eyes searching for me again. I caught them, and gave her a 
small smile of encouragement. "But to me, he was. And I can't think 
of a greater honor for my daughter than to carry the name of the boy 
that he was, and to live the life that he should have."

Another elder stood, one of the women, "And who will be father to 
this child?  A mother's love is fierce, but there are times a 
father's strength is needed."

I've come to love the Javaran dearly in my time with them.  They are 
a wonderful people, generous and loving to a fault, warm-hearted and 
kind.  But did I mention that they're still grappling with the 
concept of Women's Lib?  I watched Cordelia's eyes narrow briefly 
before she shook her head and smiled in welcome as Dryan started to 
step forward.

Call it temporary insanity.  Call it my heart ruling my head for 
first time since Cordelia appeared on the beach.  But without 
thinking I rose to my feet and motioned Dryan back.  "I will.  I'll 
be Lia's father."  

I don't know who was more shocked, Cordelia or myself.  But having 
said the words, I couldn't back down.  So I made my way to the dais, 
scowling at Bydel's pleased expression and taking my place at 
Cordelia's side.  

"Do you agree with the name of this child?  Is it a name worthy of 
this new life?" Keidan faced me with a questioning look on his face.  

"It is.  You know that Angel was willing to sacrifice everything for 
the Javaran in the hold of the Quintessa."  The Javaran nodded in 
agreement as my gaze traveled over them.  "What many of you don't 
know is that there was prophecy, he was to have become mortal, 
human.  He was to have been given a chance to live out the life that 
he had lost.  But he sacrificed that chance for this child.  So that 
she and her mother might live.  Lia will always know of that 
sacrifice and honor his memory."

There was more to the ceremony.  A prayer chanted in the Javaran 
tongue, the baby blessed by the elders.  I had to smile when Keidan 
pulled a long thin knife from his pocket and started towards the 
baby.  Cordelia gasped and started to move forward but I was familiar 
with ceremony and held her back.  "Relax.  He's going to put a 
numbing solution on her arm and then make a tiny cut.  She won't feel 
a thing."  I could feel Cordelia's relief as everything happened as I 
said it would.  "Did you think he was going to amputate her foot or 
something?  Have you seen any other one-footed babies around the 
village?"  She had to smile at that.

"Now he's going to use the blood to mark Lia's place in the Clan 
record."  I motioned to the large, ornately covered book the eldest 
of the elders held.  "It was one of the few things they managed to 
save when they escaped the Scourge.  Keidan's told me it lists the 
last 200 generations of Javaran."

"And our daughter is going to be a part of that?"  For a second we 
stood there together, united in pride at being part of such an old 
tradition, part of so much history.  But then Cordelia tried to take 
my hand and I realized that she was reading more into my stepping 
forward then I was willing to allow.  "Cordelia, no!" I 
whispered, "This hasn't changed anything between you and I.  I can't 
give you what you looking for.  It's just not possible.  I still 
don't think you should stay.  But you are.  I can't change that.  But 
I'll be your friend and I'll do what I can to help you."

Applause filled the air as the ceremony ended and the Javaran began 
to approach us and offer their blessings.  We had only seconds left 
to ourselves.  Cordelia smiled as if I had given her the greatest 
gift.  "That will enough."  Then she turned away to the welcoming 
embrace of one of the women, but not before I swore I heard her 
mutter "for now."


~*~*~*~*~*~

Cordelia - 


It isn't often that I wish I were back in LA.  In fact, now that I've 
been here for close to two months, I'm having a hard time remembering 
how I ever survived in the harsh city.

Of course, that was before Bydel woke me up just after midnight, 
dragging me from my bed to go pick herbs. Apparently the best time to 
pick this particular plant is in the middle of the night when all 
sane people are sleeping.

I explained to her that when I agreed to go, I thought we were going 
during the day, and that there was no way I was going out in the 
middle of the night to gather herbs. When that didn't have any 
effect, I tried to just say no. In fact, I'm fairly sure I did say 
no, but then Doyle walked in and before I had time to process the 
fact that he had agreed to watch my kids, I was halfway to the beach.

Bydel had also forgot to mention that we had to walk all the way 
through the forest to get to these plants. By the time we got to the 
beach, I was sweaty and cranky and not speaking to her.

It didn't faze her though, she just pointed out where I should start 
picking, and ignored my grumbling. Which couldn't have been easy, I 
wasn't being very quiet about it, especially after I realized that 
the herbs were hidden in the middle of a thorny bush. Within minutes 
my hands were littered with scratches and the thin sheen of sweat 
that covered my body had turned into rivulets of water that were 
running down my back and face.

Sneaking a glance at Bydel, I scowled at her calm movements as she 
expertly separated the herbs from the bushes protecting them. I 
squinted my eyes in the moonlight, trying to see if she was at least 
sweating. "You know, you could have mentioned that these plants could 
only be picked at night."

Bydel chuckled, leaning back on her heels and shaking her head. "I 
forgot."

"Right." I smirked at her, my earlier crankiness fading away. "Cause 
you're so forgetful." Straining slightly I managed to free the plant 
I had been struggling with for the last ten minutes. Holding it up 
for Bydel's inspection I grinned proudly.

Bydel took it from me, nodding her acceptance as she set it gently in 
the basket. "You're going to be happy we picked them when those cuts 
on your hand start itching."

"I wouldn't have had these cuts if I wasn't here." I countered, 
collapsing on the sand and staring up at the night sky. The stars 
were shining brightly, and the moon covered the beach in a soft 
light. "In fact, I could be sleeping, something I never seem to do 
anymore."

Bydel pulled another plant out, her fingers dancing nimbly around the 
thorns.  "I guarantee that Doyle is, at this moment, carrying the 
baby around, desperately wishing you were home."

I smiled, leaning back on my elbows and hugging the image of Doyle 
holding Lia in his arms close to me. "It shocked me, when he came 
with you. I didn't think...wasn't sure if he was ever going to..." I 
sighed, falling back on the sand, not knowing what I was trying to 
say. "Since the ceremony...he's been so different. It's almost like 
he wants to be around us now. I don't know..."

"He does." Bydel answered firmly. "He offered to watch the children 
when I told him we were coming here."

"He did?" I asked, pulling myself into a sitting position to make 
sure she wasn't just trying to make me feel better. She nodded and I 
smiled.  "That's...nice. Everything's been nice. Better than." I 
stopped talking, smiling softly. I didn't want to say too much, 
almost as if Doyle and I were in a bubble, and the wrong word could 
pop it. Bydel nodded again, her eyes understanding. "I've changed my 
mind. I'm glad you made me come with you." Closing her eyes, I 
continued. "It's not like Lia would have let me sleep anyway. Do you 
think she'll ever sleep for more than two hours at a time?"

"I promise you she will." Bydel answered. "Eventually."

I groaned, pushing myself back into a sitting position. "I miss her." 
I whispered softly. "Isn't that pathetic?"

"No." Bydel replied with a smile. "But you're never going to get back 
to her if you don't help me."

I whimpered playfully as I climbed to my knees and began picking 
through the plants again. We worked in silence for an hour; neither 
of us noticing the low hum of a motor until it was almost at the 
beach.

Bydel turned first, her eyes gazing out over the ocean as she slipped 
protectively in front of me. "Keep quiet." She ordered, her eyes 
never leaving the sea.

I frowned, looking up to see what had her so disturbed. Scooting 
forward, I watched over Bydel's shoulder as a small boat approached 
the beach. It wasn't until it landed that I could see the three 
occupants. "I didn't know we were expecting supplies." I whispered, 
trying to still the butterflies that had collected in my stomach.

"We're not." Bydel replied, putting a finger up to her mouth to warn 
me to remain quiet. Ducking low, she moved along the edge of the 
brush, her form blending into the shadows. I followed after her, 
knowing I should let her handle it, but unwilling to let her face any 
danger on her own. I was probably better equipped for it anyway, 
working with Angel had taught me a lot about self-defense.  One 
figure stepped from the boat as we approached; his back turned to us 
as he spoke to the other occupants. They seemed to be arguing, and we 
took advantage of their distraction to close the distance. Bydel 
picked up a piece of driftwood and handed it to me, her eyes hard as 
she motioned me to the woods. I shook my head, turning back to the 
pair on the beach.

There was something about the man standing beside the boat that was 
familiar. He was tall and slight, his shoulders hunched as he ran a 
hand through his hair.  The butterflies in my stomach increased their 
pace, flying wildly around as I held my breath, waiting for him to 
turn around.

He shifted slightly, his hand digging in his pocket and pulling a 
white piece of cloth from it. Taking it, he lifted his hand to his 
head, pulling his glasses from his face. I was on my feet and running 
towards him before I had time to think his name.

I ran as fast as I could across the beach, ignore Bydel's call for me 
to come back. He turned as I reached him, his face barely beginning 
to betray his shock before I was in his arms. Tears poured down my 
cheeks as I held him, my face buried in his shoulder. "Wesley."

"Cordelia." He murmured, pulling me closer, his voice cracking 
suspiciously as he spoke. "I didn't expect you to be here."

I pulled back, wiping the tears from my face as I grinned at 
him. "Harry told you I was here."

"I meant here on the beach. It's the middle of the night Cordelia." 
He chastised me.  I stuck my tongue out at him, pulling him back into 
another hug.

He released me after a minute, his eyes traveling to Bydel, who had 
come to stand beside me, a piece of driftwood still held tightly in 
her hand. "It's okay." I told her, my face feeling like it was going 
to break from smiling.  "This is Wesley. Remember I told you about 
him? He worked with us, with me and Angel." It was my voice that 
broke this time, realizing that this was the first time I'd seen 
Wesley since we lost Angel. Tears filled my eyes as I looked at 
him. "How are you doing?"

He flushed, looking behind me to the boat. "Cordelia..."¨ He began, 
stopping to nervously clear his throat. "When Harry met me at the 
airport, and told me everything that had happened...  Well, we went 
back to the office."

"I know." I interrupted him impatiently. "You went to close up the 
office." A thought hit me, and I paled. "Did Angel leave us a letter 
or something? It would be just like him to do that."  My voice 
cracked again as tears began to slip down my cheeks.  "He didn't need 
to leave a letter. We knew how he felt. We knew he loved us."  I 
paused, noticing that Wesley's eyes weren't on my anymore.  "Wes?" He 
turned back, his expression serious. "Don't feel bad because you 
weren't there Wesley.  There was nothing you could have done."

"No. Cordelia." He whispered, his voice unbearably gentle. "I went 
back, and I found..."

"What?" I asked, the tension in the air rising suddenly. Something 
was off, his voice, his actions, something was wrong. "Dammit Wesley, 
what did you find?"  

"He found me Cordelia." Another voice answered. "He found me."

I swung around, all air leaving my body as I stared at the figure in 
front of me. "No." I stepped forward, my hand reaching out to touch 
his cheek. "It can't be." My heart was racing so fast I thought it 
might burst. I turned my eyes to Wesley, letting them ask all the 
questions I couldn't find words for.

"It is him." Wesley whispered, a smile cracking the corners of his 
lips. "It seems being your friend brings with it a certain protection 
from death."

Bringing my hands up to cover my mouth, I let my eyes travel back to 
the figure in front of me. Taking a small step forward, I lifted a 
shaking hand to him. He took it, leaning forward to press his face 
against my palm. Tears ran quickly down my cheeks as I flung myself 
at him, holding onto him tighter than I'd ever held onto anything in 
my life. "Angel." I breathed into his neck. "Angel."

"Cordelia." He whispered back, his words muffled by my hair. "It's 
okay." I pulled back slightly, unable to find any words to describe 
how happy I was at that moment. "I know."

"How?" I breathed, my hands still gripping him tightly, as if he 
could disappear at any moment. "You never came, we waited. But you 
didn't come home."

"He couldn't." Wesley answered for him. "He was in the sewers, 
trapped under a pile of debris.  Gunn and I went back, I had to see 
for myself.  I had a hard time believing that the prophecies were so 
wrong.  And as you see, they weren't wrong.  Angel was badly injured 
but he's well on the way to recovery now."

"Oh God." I let go of Angel, stepping back and staring at him. 
"Angel, I'm so sorry. I should have searched more. I should have 
known." I buried my face in my hands, unable to look at him.

"Cordelia." Angel whispered, prying my hands away from my face and 
tilting my chin up so I had to look at him. "You did the right thing. 
You did what I asked you to do. I'm so proud of you for getting 
yourself and the children to safety."

"But I left you." I cried, tears flying from my cheeks as I swung my 
head. "I left you there to die. If it wasn't for Wesley..."¨ I 
trailed off, turning to face the rogue demon hunter. "I owe you 
everything Wesley."

Wesley flushed, looking away as he answered. "You owe me nothing 
Cordelia."

"Everything." I vowed, smiling at him through my tears. I turned back 
to Angel then, my hand reaching out to touch his sleeve, holding onto 
his solid form through the thin material of his shirt. "You're okay?"

"I'm fine.  A little thinner then I'd like, but..." He smiled, 
bringing his free hand to my cheek and wiping the tears from 
it. "Don't cry Cordelia. It's okay."

"I'm happy." I whispered, leaning into his strong hand. "I'm so 
happy. I never thought I'd see you again."

"I'm tougher than I look." He replied dryly.

I grinned, a fresh wave of tears filling my eyes. "I should have 
remembered that."

He smiled back, and then his face grew serious. "I wasn't sure if I 
should come."

"What?" I asked, my throat tightening. "Why? How could you even think 
you shouldn't? Don't you remember what it was like when we thought we 
lost Doyle?" I stopped, suddenly realizing that we needed to go back 
to the village and tell Doyle. He was going to be thrilled. I know he 
feels partially responsible, for some strange reason I can't 
understand, for Angel's death.

It was going to be wonderful. Everything would be perfect from now 
on. No more grief, no more loss. We were all alive and together, and 
it was going to be perfect.

"But I can't stay here." Angel whispered, at the same moment I 
realized what him being alive meant for me.

I was the seer again.

My smile faltered, but I forced it back. I wasn't going to make Angel 
think he shouldn't have told me he was alive. And when it came down 
to it, if they'd asked me to choose, my happiness or his life, I 
would have made the same choice.

Bydel came up behind me then, her hands rubbing reassuringly over my 
back. I closed my eyes, thankful for her understanding and her 
support. Angel took a step backwards, his arm slipping out from under 
mine. I opened my eyes, my hand reaching to hold onto him again, 
needing the proof of his existence. "We have to go to the village. We 
have to tell Doyle." I smiled as I spoke, my words tumbling out 
quickly. "He's never going to let you forget that he died and came 
back first. Don't be surprised if your new nickname is Copycat." I 
paused to take a breath, ignoring the worried looks on Wesley and 
Angel's faces. "At least it's better than deadboy."

"Cordelia." Angel began.

"We have to tell him." I whispered, my voice growing soft. I reached 
out, my hand brushing over his cheek. "I've missed you so much Angel."

He studied me for a long moment, his face unreadable. Then he smiled, 
taking my hand from his face and holding it tightly in his larger 
one. "I missed you to."

"Did anyone miss me?  I know it's only been a few weeks but still!"

"Harry!"  I turned to face the forgotten third occupant of the 
boat.  "You came back!"

"Like I'd pass up time on a tropical island?"  Stepping from the 
boat, she took hold of my free hand.  "I figured you might need some 
moral support."

"Thanks," I whispered.  "Come on, let's go tell Doyle."  Pulling on 
their hands I started off to face my suddenly uncertain future.


~*~*~*~*~*~