TITLE: When You Feel All Alone
AUTHOR: Candy Kane
EMAIL: candykanes@hotmail.com
DISCLAIMER: "A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend." I own the idea. Joss
and David own Cordy and Doyle, and my unforgiveness at killing off Doyle.
The song is "Crash and Burn" on Savage Garden’s new CD "Affirmation". Some
of the dialogue at the beginning is from the episode "Room W/A View" and is
not mine. I claim nothing. I live in the land known as denial.
DISTRIBUTION: The Cordy and Doyle Brigade, Oblivious Much? , The Powers
That Be, my site, and anyone else that wants it. Just ask.
COUPLE: C/D
SPOILERS: There’s some dialogue from "Room W/A View" as a flashback, but it
is mainly after "Parting Gifts" Goes into a somewhat alternate timeline as
well
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: Cordelia comes across a note from Doyle and……. (Hello angst!)
Author’s Note: This is a companion piece to my story "Say Goodbye". You can
read only one to get it, and it doesn’t matter which you read first. You
read both, and you get a better understanding.
The ending of this made ME cry when I was writing it. *SOB*
Feedback is nice. Flames are bad. But I would love you forever if you would
just email me so I won’t feel so sad. :-)
This one is for Pryde, who has inspired me to write C/D fic.

******

"You don’t want to talk to her?" Doyle asked me, gazing at me with

surprise.

"No, not just yet. She is just going to ask me where I’m living and how the

acting is going, and I’m just not up to leading the parade of pain. I’ll do

it when things get better," I answered, still believing that better things

*would* come.

"Well, I don’t know if I can help with the acting, but about the
apartment…"

Doyle began.

"What?" I asked eagerly, anticipating something really nice.

"Well, if you ever want to - I don’t know – stay a night away from the

place? - maybe give me a call."

I thought for a second then replied, "Well, stranger things have happened."

I paused. "No wait, they really haven’t."

******

It seemed like ages ago that Doyle had given me that offer. Back then I had

been sure that I had harbored no secret feelings for him. Now I wasn’t so

sure. After everything that happened, I can’t believe he’s still gone.

< When you feel all alone

And the world has turned it's back on you

Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart

I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you

It's hard to find relieve and people can be so cold

When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore >

I had put any feelings I had about Doyle on the back burner and

concentrated instead on working. When Barney arrived and said that about

the important gift thing, I realized how much Doyle cared. And then I
kissed

everyone, and it seemed as if I was making a mockery of Doyle and was being

careless with his affections. But I forged on, sure that wherever Doyle

was, he would understand. That is until Angel and I went over to his

apartment to pack up his stuff. And I saw the note.

< Let me be the one you call

If you jump I'll break your fall

Lift you up and fly away with you into the night

If you need to fall apart

I can mend a broken heart

If you need to crash then crash and burn

You're not alone >

Angel was the one that really found the note, but I knew what it was as

soon as I saw it. The paper was pink, and creased where it had been folded

up so many times. Angel took one look at the script written on top of it

and handed it over to me.

"It’s for you," he said, turning towards the open door. "I think I’m

heading out for a cup of coffee. I’ll see ya later." Angel turned and
walked

out, shutting the door behind him.

I traced my fingers over the "For Princess Delia" that had been printed in

black ink on top. I bit my lip and dragged myself over to the bed, climbed

in it, and opened the letter that the little Irish man had written just for

me.

< When you feel all alone

And a loyal friend is hard to find

You're caught in a one way street

With the monsters in your head

When hopes and dreams are far away and

You feel like you can't face the day. >

As my mind began to process the last written words of Allan Francis Doyle,

I thought back to that first meeting of the minds that we had had, trying
to

find out the demon stalking the clientele at a nightclub. He had talked
with

me about demons, and I never figured that he was talking about himself.
Here

I was a naïve girl, who was so scared to ask a guy out. The sarcasm was a

way of dealing in the same way it had been with Xander, my first real love.

I guess the Powers That Be were punishing me – first Xander had been taken

away from me, then Doyle for life.

< Let me be the one you call

If you jump I'll break your fall

Lift you up and fly away with you into the night

If you need to fall apart

I can mend a broken heart

If you need to crash then crash and burn

You're not alone >

"Dear Delia,

I know that if you have this note, either I have gotten up the courage to

ask you out and you killed me with the evil eye or I am no longer in this

reality because I did the one thing I wasn’t supposed to do, which was

interfere with destiny. Either way, I hope you realize that I care a great

deal for you. Have ever since the day we met. You always seemed one step

above me, on a pedestal that I couldn’t reach. By now, you know how I feel.

You are the one person that I have fallen for since Harry,… and your
ex-wife

really isn’t anything you should be mentioning now is it?"

< Because there has always been heartache and pain

And when it's over you'll breathe again

You'll breath again >

"Anyway, I want you to know that I will be with you always. I’ll be like

Patrick Swayze in ‘Ghost’, watching after my princess to make sure no harm

comes to you. I’m going to be there for you Cordy, now more than ever.

If only you knew. Knew the real fact that you were the one that was

supposed to die being heroic. Would you have changed? Would you? When faced

with the decision I had to make, would telling you I loved you change

anything? Would you have looked at my half-demon and said that you could

live with it? Was my demon face something you could learn to love and care

for and kiss or an excuse to turn away and run away from any passion we

could have had, any love we could have shared? Looks like neither of us
will

never know."

< When you feel all alone

And the world has turned its back on you

Give me a moment please

To tame your wild wild heart >

"Don’t ever give up hoping that we will be together again. We will. To

quote a movie ‘The heart wants what the heart wants’. So, if your heart is

pure, once you ascend to heaven, you will be with the one you love. And I

hope that it is me. For I love you Cordelia Chase. I love you more than

words can say. And, if you ever need me, just ask. I’ll let you know I’m

around. How can anyone ever forget a beautiful and vivacious woman as

yourself? I know I can’t.

Love Always,

Allan Francis Doyle"

I finished the letter, sobs coming from my body. My flow of tears began to

fall on the paper, and I quickly moved it to the side. I grabbed a pillow
to

my chest and pushed my face towards it, muffling my cries.

"Doyle," I whispered to the air. "Oh Doyle why couldn’t you tell me? I need

you. Please…." I trailed off as a fresh fit came over me and I wept for

several more minutes. A sudden chill swept over the room as I wiped my nose

and leaned over for some tissue by the bed. Then I saw the box coming

toward me. And I knew.

"Oh Doyle. I love you too."

< Let me be the one you call

If you jump I'll break your fall

Lift you up and fly away with you into the night

If you need to fall apart

I can mend a broken heart

If you need to crash then crash and burn

You're not alone >