TITLE: Faintly Lingering AUTHOR: Ragna (Obsessive-Compulsive Spike) DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just tell me! DISCLAIMER: Everything except what comes out of my pretty little head belongs to Joss and Mutant Enemy. I do not own the song used, which is "So Sister" by The Verve. RATING: PG SPOILERS: Specific for "Lover's Walk" and all of the "Angel" series so far, plus a planned charachter death. FEEDBACK: Wanted. Needed. SEND IT! AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is a sad fic, I know. I just had the lyrics sitting in my hard drive and decided it would be nice to use it. I think I'm one of the first to use Doyle's impending death in a fic...I hope Joss sees this and reads how upset it's making myself and other fans. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ *** PART 1 *** **I wrote your name in dust on a truck As it rolled out of town Just in case my love for you might be found** Cordelia laid down on the bed, sobbing her eyes out. She hadn't cried this hard since she got hurt after seeing Xander and Willow together almost a year before. Much as she'd hated to admit it, she had cared for him, and she had been planning on telling him, but she'd always thought there'd be another day, and now...now there wasn't. The song wasn't soothing, but it mirrored the aching loneliness she felt when she realized he was gone. Forever. Angel had left her alone, not knowing how to deal with this grief she was feeling. He had been around for over 200 years, and he had no idea the human heart could hold such grief. So he left her alone in the room, the music playing softly. **I cried my tears in a mountain stream, They'll sting you one day, I called your name in a giant cave, It echoes to this day** She sat up, the tears still flowing softly, and moved to the window which overlooked the busy street. Only the cars were a blur, just dots of light flashing in two directions punctuated with blurred traffic lights changing colors on an irregular schedule. It felt cold in the room, despite the warmth of the night, and she curled up in the closest piece of clothing to her. It was his jacket, and once the fact registered the crying jag restarted full force. He really was gone, and she hadn't told him anything. "God, I'm so sorry...all I wanted to do was tell him..." **So sister, you're hearing how I miss her But I don't think that she's hearing my calls So sister, you're hearing how I miss her But I don't think that she's hearing my calls No I don't think that I'm helping my cause** Cordelia rested her arms on the window ledge and set her head upon them, briefly shutting her eyes. It was the sudden warmth that made her snap her eyes back open, and she pulled the jacket on correctly. Looking around, she let out a small gasp. "Hello," was all he said, and Cordelia looked up, and looked at him for a long time. "Are...are you real?" "No, but you can touch me. I'm real in that way." **I wrote our names on a subway wall Just in case you call I rent a room and its just for two But where are you?** Cordelia took a tentative step towards him. "You...you're not coming back, are you?" she asked quietly, weakly. She needed him here, wanted him here. "No, Cordelia, I'm not. I have to go." He looked at her, and reached out his hand towards her, which she tentatively reached out and touched. It was warm, and she could feel the small scars on his hands, the ones that had been there when she touched his hand after he'd died, the hand she clutched to her chest as Angel had pulled her away. **So sister, you're hearing how I miss her, But I don't think that she's hearing my calls So sister, you're hearing how I miss her, But I don't think that she's helping my cause No I don't think that it's helping my cause** "Why are you here?" she asked, her hand running over the rough and smooth textures. "To say good-bye, and to let you do the same." He reached his hand out to touch the jacket, whatever hint of a smile he had wasting away into a frown. "It doesn't match your outfit." Just the gentle vibe and the forlorn tone of voice jarred Cordelia out of her state and she threw herself into his arms. "Don't go...please. I never got to say...I didn't mean all the mean things I said, I didn't mean anything like that. I really liked you...I still do." The smile returned faintly as his hand lightly ran through her hair, cradling her head to his chest. "I had hoped...I'm glad to know I was right." **No I don't think that I'm helping my cause No I don't think that I'm helping my cause** She stood there, brought her arms up and rested her hands on his shoulders, pulling him close. She wanted to be like this forever. "Is this a dream?" she asked quietly. He nodded, keeping her close to him. "Yes, it is, Cordelia. But...you'll never forget it." She shook her head. "I don't want a dream!" "God...he's a twisted man sometimes. Being half-demon, he won't let me stay alive and I can't be in heaven...but I can stay in your dreams. I'll always be here for you." The tears started to flow again, and she buried her head into his shoulder, sobbing. **So sister, you're hearing how I miss her But I don't think that she's hearing my calls So sister, I need to be with her But I don't think that she's hearing my calls** He held her close, the faint smell of whiskey on him, a smell that comforted her. "Much as you don't want to hear it, I love you. Have since I met you." "I...I don't know if I loved you, but I cared. I was such a bitch," she said quietly, the tears slowing as the stroking of her hair continued. "I'm so sorry..." He just held her, cradling her head and letting her have a proper good-bye. "I'm just so sorry," she said as the images blurred around her, the feeling of his arms slowly fading, the warmth in the room disappearing just as suddenly as it had come. And then she woke up. **No I don't think that I'm helping my cause No I don't think that I'm helping my cause** It was hard to get up, to put the coat on, to walk to the door and open it, and to see Angel there, lost in his own misery. And it was only the faint smell of Doyle and the promise of him being in her dreams that got her through the hard times to come.