Title: Get Me Through December (2/2) Author: Emmy Part 11 The sudden quiet in the alley was deafening. As soon as the portal closed the wind died down, the dust settled and it was as if nothing had happened. Cordelia struggled out from under Angel, pushing at his chest and calling Doyle's name. She felt like she was trapped in some freaky slow-motion nightmare, nothing felt real. When she finally got out from under Angel, she sat up, looking around the alley for some sign of the vortex and Doyle but there was nothing left. A hoarse moan forced its way out of her throat and next to her Angel's skin prickled. He had never heard a voice so full of pain and before he knew it, he had wrapped his arms around Cordelia. Angel rocked her gently as she keened toward the sky. It seemed like forever before he could calm her enough to get her onto her feet and lead her to the car. Throughout the ride to her building, Cordelia stared out the window not speaking, barely breathing. Her heart had fragmented into a million pieces and she felt like the shards were running through her veins. Everything hurt right at that moment. At her building, Cordelia opened the car door and began to walk toward the building, Angel followed a few paces behind her. He was weighed down by his own grief and guilt but was worried more about Cordelia's state of mind than anything else. He wished he knew what to say to her but he also realized that the agony she was feeling was her own. Though he had been through a similar situation, everybody felt differently and to compare the two, he felt might make Cordelia feel her pain was not as great as it was. Cordelia held herself together until she got into the apartment. At the door Angel tried to come in with her but was stopped by her hand on his chest, "I need to be alone." "Cordelia, please, I think you should let me stay with you. At least for a bit, until you get to sleep." Cordelia shook her head, her eyes filled with tears, "No, I need to be here by myself." That was all she said, quietly and determinedly. Angel nodded his head and turned to go. "I'll be here if you need me." She nodded once and closed the door. Then she lost all semblance of control, her knees gave way beneath her and she sank to the floor, the tears coming in a torrent and the screams tearing from her throat until it was raw. She lay on the floor the remainder of the night and most of the next day, unable to move from where she was. Finally, she dragged herself into the bedroom and collapsed onto the unmade bed. Burying her head in the pillow that had become his, Cordelia inhaled deeply of his scent. She lay there for awhile, not thinking and trying not to feel, remembering that he had been there with her only 2 days ago. They had lain in this bed and discussed their entire lives and made plans for the future. , she thought to herself, Instead, she was alone once more. *** Part 12 Cordelia hid away from the world for ten days. That was as long as she could keep Angel at bay for. He had called every day since Doyle's disappearance, and while at first she had let the machine pick them up, she had to begin answering when he threatened to send Kate over to investigate her whereabouts. On the evening of the tenth day, he showed up at her door, carrying take-out bags from the pasta place she liked so much. He was shocked by what he saw. Cordelia looked gaunt and haggard, she had dark smudges beneath her eyes and she looked as though she had lost weight. "How are you doing?" he asked, not knowing if he really wanted an answer. "I've been better," she replied, attempting a wan smile,"but I'll get through. Are you coming in? That smells great!" Angel entered the apartment and went into the kitchen to find plates. They sat and ate dinner together and Cordelia appreciated that Angel actually ate with her even though he didn't have to. It helped to ease the loneliness a little. They didn't talk much and somehow Angel knew she would let him know when she was ready to deal with things. The next day Cordelia returned to the office. She avoided Doyle's desk and tried to concentrate on the backlog of messages on the answering machine. It wasn't easy, every where she turned she saw Doyle. There were moments when she felt sure that he was going to walk through the door and yet he never did. The day went by slowly for Cordelia and at the end of it, she refused Angel's offer for a lift home and instead walked around one of the nearby malls for a while, thinking that a crowd might make her feel less lonely. It had been a bad idea. Everywhere she looked, people were laughing and smiling. It was the holidays after all and everyone seemed to be in a festive mood. The music was cheerful and store fronts were lit up with twinkling lights, it made Cordelia want to scream! How could people just go on with their lives when hers felt like it was ending? Didn't they know how awful things were? Of course they couldn't possibly know and rationally Cordelia knew that but it didn't make it any better. Putting her head down, Cordelia headed toward home. She wasn't in the mood for this at all, even though she knew she had to get gifts for Angel and Kate at some point. She sighed and thought, . She oriented herself to the right direction and began to work through the crowds toward the Gap. The crowds were getting worse though and suddenly Cordelia felt claustrophobic. She ducked into the nearest shop to catch her breath. Feeling overwhelmed and frightened, Cordelia dragged ragged breaths into her lungs. It was a few minutes more before she noticed that it was much dimmer in the store than it was on the concourse and the music was softer. Glancing around this little oasis, Cordelia gasped in surprise. Hanging all around her were fine linens and woolen blankets, sweaters and crafts and they all seemed to have an Irish theme. Cordelia stood staring at it all in silent awe and did not notice a tiny stooped woman approach her. "Can I help ya, miss?" The familiar sound of her Irish accent washed over Cordelia, soothing the ragged edges of her heart. She felt tears gather in the corner of her eyes and she took a deep breath to try and quell them. Nodding her head at the woman, Cordelia said, "My boyfriend is Irish and I want to get him something that will remind him of home." "And you, I'm bettin'," the lady may have been old but she was wise. Cordelia nodded and smiled tentatively at the woman. The expression felt odd to her, it had been so long since she attempted it. The two women moved through the store, inspecting fine sheets and clothing, pottery and other crafts until Cordelia came across exactly what she was looking for. In the back of a jewelry case, she found a small silver medallion on a silver chain. The medallion was carved with the claddagh, the hands that held a crowned heart. She knew the myth of the claddagh by heart, not only because Angel had once told her about it but because Doyle had mentioned it to her as well. They had been lying in her bed his arms around her and she had been playing with the ring on his finger. In the dim light from the lamp, she had held his hand up to inspect the ring. Seeing what she was doing, Doyle had moved, pulling his arms from here. "What?" she asked. "Nothin',"he had replied. "I just need ta do somethin'." He had removed the ring from his finger and turned it so that the heart faced inward. "What are you doing?" she had asked. "Showin' everyone that I've found my love." he replied, pulling her back into his arms. Cordelia told the woman she would take the medallion and asked her to wrap it, along with a charcoal knitted sweater for Angel and a shawl for Kate. Thanking the woman, Cordelia picked up her packages and headed home. *** Part 13 That evening, Cordelia turned the ringer off on her phone and climbed into her bed. Resting her head on Doyle's pillow, she pulled out the small medallion and allowed herself to fall into the memories she could no longer hold back. It was late, ages since they went to bed, but they lay in the dark talking. It had become a ritual with them. Bed by ten, talk ‘til two, sleep ‘til seven and go to work to research. Tonight's topic was Cordelia's reaction to Doyle's demon parentage. "Ya were awful calm about it," he said, referring to his admission of being half-demon. "I knew," she replied simply. Doyle looked at her with disbelief, "Ya did not! I was verra careful to keep it from ya, knowing how ya felt about demons and all." "Please," she snorted, "you aren't as careful as you think. Remember we were looking for that ring in the sewers? You thought I'd gone around the corner and you did that spiky-head thing. I saw it all!" "But ya never said anythin'," he exclaimed. "Doyle, I knew that there was something odd about you from the very start! Those visions? Those aren't something normal people get, you know," she sighed dramatically. "Besides I grew up on a Hellmouth and there were always freaky things happening there. I got chased by a bug- guy once, did I ever tell you about that?" "Ya amaze me, Cordy, ya really do." She grinned slyly at him, "Do I get special points for that?" Doyle flashed her his own wicked grin, "But of course!" *** Part 14 It was early afternoon when Angel went to Doyle's apartment to pack up his things and move them to the agency. He had contacted Doyle's landlord the week before to let him know that Doyle would not be returning and to forward his mail to Angel. The landlord had then demanded that Angel come and remove Doyle's "crap" so he could rent out the apartment as soon as possible. , Angel thought to himself as he turned the key in the lock. Angel had already finished with Doyle's desk, noticing that Cordelia had avoided it all day and thought he might as well get this over with as well. He wanted to do whatever he could to make this whole thing easier for her, to let her know that she didn't have to do it alone. He opened Doyle's door and stepped into the cramped and messy one bedroom apartment. He had apparently been in quite a hurry the last time he'd been here. Clothes were strewn all over the couch and chair, socks were draped over the radiator and a half empty bag sat on the floor near the kitchen. Angel shook his head and sighed sadly as he imagined what this disaster might have looked like combined with the ever-lovely but always-sloppy Cordelia Chase's. He would have had to hire a maid service for them just to make sure they could get out of the apartment. Angel began to pick things up off the floor and place them into the boxes he had brought. He made a mental note to call the movers in the morning to come and pick up the furniture and take it to the storage locker he had rented. Angel wasn't sure why he had rented the locker, it would have been easier to get rid of the stuff but he had a weird feeling about vortexes and what not. He wasn't sure that he believed that Doyle would not be back. After all Hell had spit him out. What was to say that Doyle's father wouldn't get tired of his mouth and send him back too? By late that night, Angel had all of Doyle's clothes and belongings packed up. He had picked out a few things that he thought perhaps Cordelia would like to have; an old sweatshirt, Doyle's cologne, a shirt, his copy of . There really wasn't a lot to pack. Doyle hadn't acquired much during his time in LA. Walking over to the bedside table, Angel pulled open the drawer to clean it out. It was there that he found Doyle's greatest treasure. In the very back of the drawer was an old leather bag. It looked like a shaving kit of some kind. Angel opened it and gasped in amazement at what he had found. The case was full of jewelry! Rings, necklaces, bracelets all in gold and silver, littered with precious gems and all marked with the same monogram: MD. Among the loose jewelry there was another long, black leather case. Angel sat down on the bed and pulled the case from the bag. He opened it carefully, unsure of what he would find. Inside the case was a folded square of paper and a small bag of green velvet. Angel took both items and placed them beside him on the bed, he reached for the piece of paper and carefully unfolded it to reveal a letter written in a spidery, old-fashioned hand. The letter was addressed to Doyle and it read: My Dearest Thomas, These are the last of the Doyle family gems. They are your legacy. Guard them well and do not squander them as so many before you have done. It does my frail old heart good to see you looking so much like my beloved Calum. Take care of yourself child, for I know I will not be seeing you again, Your loving Grandmother, Megan. Angel was stunned. All this time, he could have released himself from his debts with these jewels and yet he never breathed a word of it to anyone. Overwhelmed by Doyle's pride, Angel sat for a few minutes before picking up the bag. He opened it carefully and tipped it into his hand. The bag contained a sealed scroll with Cordelia's name on it and another small velvet bag. The second bag contained the most amazing ring that Angel had ever seen. It was a heart-cut emerald set in the traditional Irish setting of the crown and hands. It was an amazing piece and obviously meant as a gift for Cordy. Angel quickly replaced the ring and the scroll in the bag and tucked the case into the leather bag. He had a safe in his apartment where these would be secure until he figured out what to do with them. *** Part 15 The doorbell rang just as Cordelia stepped from her bedroom into the hallway. Moving swiftly, she pulled back the door to reveal Angel. "Where's Kate?" she asked. Angel grinned at her, "She's decided that we need an old-fashioned Christmas and she's at her place trying to figure out how to cook a turkey." "So, we'll be ordering Chinese around 8 then?" Angel nodded and stepped into the apartment. Glancing around he noticed a couple of new pictures had shown up on the mantel. One was of her and Doyle at the agency, they were sitting on the leather couch and smiling at the camera. Angel had taken the picture only last month. The other was one that Cordelia must have taken. In it, Doyle was standing by the window near her desk, looking at her with this strange smile on his face. It was a smile Angel knew well enough, it was the one he always had when he looked at Cordelia. "Those are nice, Cordelia," he remarked gesturing at the photos. She nodded, and smiled thinly, "I'm afraid I'll forget." It was said quietly, sadly but there was a tinge of steel behind it as well. She was determined not to let go. Angel nodded, understanding the fear. He didn't tell her that eventually it does all become blurry and you can't remember if events happened or if you imagined that they did. You begin to pretend that things you always wanted to do actually occurred and the lines between truth and reality often become invisible. Angel cleared his throat and pushed the thoughts aside. Cordelia didn't need to hear things like that right now, however, "Are you ready?" Cordelia nodded and picked up her coat and the carry bag that contained her gifts for Angela and Kate. The two friends walked out into the rain. *** Part 16 Angel and Cordelia left Kate's a little after nine that evening. As predicted, Kate's attempts with the turkey were less than satisfactory and they decided that Chinese was the way to go around seven o'clock. It had been a surprisingly pleasant day, despite Doyle's absence and Cordelia was glad that she had gone. Kate had decorated her apartment with garish lights and tinsel and rented such holiday classics as and for them to watch. Angel had brought his own Christmas entertainment in the form of . It was his favorite cartoon and they had decided that it was fitting to his broody disposition. They opened Christmas presents and Cordelia was surprised by the generosity of her friends. Angel had bought her a cashmere twin-set in a soft blue and Kate had given her a dark charcoal skirt to match. Angel and Kate had also appreciated her gifts and she was glad that they liked them. It made her feel good to give them things that they could enjoy. The last few weeks had been hard on all three of them. Lost in thoughts of the day, Cordelia failed to notice that Angel had stopped outside her building. She glanced up and reached for the door handle, Angel's hand on her arm made her pause, "Cordy, I have something else for you but I thought you would want to be alone when you opened it." He pulled the small velvet bag from his pocket and handed it to her. "I found it at Doyle's when I was putting his things away." Tears welled up in Cordelia's eyes, as she closed her fingers around the gift. Leaning over and planting a kiss on Angel's cheek she said thank-you in a hoarse voice and got out of the car. Running to the front door, she struggled blindly with the lock and once inside, she leaned back against the door, trying to regain her control. Dropping her things by the door, she moved into the living room and flipped on the lamp. She sat down on the couch and put the little bag down on the table in front of her. For a really long time she just stared at it, unable to open it and see what was inside. Glancing over at the small tree, Cordelia rose from the couch and walked over to it, picked up the gift she had bought for Doyle. She still wasn't sure what possessed her to do such a thing but it felt good to hold the brightly wrapped box in her hand. She went back and sat on the couch, placing the small box beside the bag. She stared at them some more and finally drew in a deep breath and picked up Doyle's gift. Settling back into the couch Cordelia untied the ribbon with shaking fingers and shook the contents into her lap. A small scroll, sealed with wax and bearing her name and another small velvet bag appeared. Opening the tiny bag, Cordelia shook the ring into her palm. She gasped at the beauty of the ring and could only marvel at it for several minutes. With tears in her eyes, Cordelia slid the ring onto her finger with the heart pointed in. Picking up the scroll, Cordelia carefully cracked the seal and unrolled the parchment. Doyle> Cordelia could do little more than weep over the gift. She tucked the scroll away in her jewelry box and kept Doyle's promise close to her heart. It was the only way she made it through December at all.