TITLE: Always Waiting AUTHOR: Ragna (Obsessive-Compulsive Spike) DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just tell me! DISCLAIMER: Everything except what comes out of my pretty little head belongs to Joss and Mutant Enemy. I do not own the song used, which is "Black Tangled Heart" by Silverchair. RATING: PG SPOILERS: All of the "Angel" series so far, plus a planned character death. FEEDBACK: Wanted. Needed. SEND IT! AUTHOR'S NOTES: Back by popular demand... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ *** PART 1 *** The room would always take on a warm feeling, and that was how she knew he was there. She got out of bed, and ran to him. "Doyle," she said quietly, hugging him to her closely. He smiled, albeit faintly. He never looked the way he had when he was alive. He always looked sadder. Always. It had been a few months now, five or six if specifics were needed. Things had changed. Angel and Cordelia, though both had grieved in seperate ways, had moved on with their lives. Kate had slowly moved into Doyle's place for Angel, but Cordelia was stubborn in her refusal to accept the woman in any way shape or form. **Maybe your luck has changed Settle down Maybe I'm just deranged And on the rebound** Doyle visited her dreams, almost every night, and she had fallen in love with him. She actually knew how Buffy felt now, not being able to be with Angel. She couldn't be with Doyle, and it just tore her heart apart. "I missed you the last few nights. You weren't dreaming." "It's been rough," she said sadly, her hands moving from his shoulders to his arms as she felt him. It amazed her that he always felt so real. "Why the sad music?" "It what you fell asleep listening to," he replied, touching her hair, then trailing his hand down to her cheek. The faint outline of a smile touched his face as he looked at her. **Maybe love was the thing Holding me back from all Maybe I'm just the thing To break my own fall** "What do you do when I'm awake?" she asked, leaning into his touch and shutting her eyes. "I watch you," he said, kissing her forehead lightly. "And Angel and even Kate, though I know you don't want to hear it." She bristled. "You're right. I don't." Turning away from him, she headed back towards her bed, climbing back then. "Cordy...it was fate. She was supposed to be there." "And you were supposed to die?" she choked out, looking at him. **Take the rope to my heart and fall You may just be the last before you See the black tangled heart fall** He nodded. "The last vision...I saw you die. I had to prevent that, any way I could. Even if it meant me getting killed in your place." She had blocked out what had happened that night, and she covered her eyes with her hands, shaking her head. "No..." "Cordelia, I couldn't let you die. Never..." "Please, stop." Doyle shrugged, stopping. "Fine, I'll stop." **Maybe departure's good Makes room for more Start to mass produce For a chance to ignore** She lowered her hands, her red eyes looking up at him. "Do you know how many nights I've cried myself to sleep? It's worrying Angel. Hell, it's even worrying me." Doyle nodded, moving towards her and sitting on the bed. "Why are you crying? You see me when you dream..." "Because I want you *here*, where I can hold you and be held by you whenever we want to, not when I'm in bed and you're...allowed to see me, and I can see you..." She stopped what she was saying, touching his hand softly. He looked at her hand. "It can't happen, Cordy." She sighed, a stray tear dropping down her face. **Maybe you'll kill yourself Before I get a turn Maybe I'll fall in love And never learn** He reached over to wipe the tear away, and let his hand linger on her face. "Please, don't cry." She nodded. "I want you here, Doyle, because I love you. It took me a long time to realize it, but I do." He did something he hadn't done in all those months. He had never kissed her, other than on the forehead. Never done anything more than hold her. He finally kissed her, after hearing that simple statement. It was what she had been waiting for, the tender brush of his lips against hers. It made her tingle from head to toe, a feeling she had never felt before. And she knew then that she truly loved him. **Take the rope to my heart and fall You may just be the last before you See the black tangled heart fall for you** Pulling back, he looked at her, touching her face, her hair, her shoulders. "I have to go soon." "No..." she said quietly, shaking her head. "I'll sleep forever, just stay with me." Doyle grinned, a real smile crossing his face. "As much as I'd love that, I can't. We can't. You have to move on, Cordelia." "But I just told you I--" She was stopped by his finger on her lips. "I know. But...I'll always be here for you. Always." He got up, holding her hand until their arms were stretched as far as possible, before he had to let go. **Take the rope to my heart and fall You may just be the last before you See the black tangled heart fall for you** The song ended, and Cordelia woke up, an aching in her heart. She looked around, and realizing she was alone, curled back up and started to cry, promising herself it would be her last cry for a long time.