Title: Almost a Very Good Life 24 - 28 (end)
Author: Andrea
Disclaimer: All characters in this fic are the property of Joss Whedon,
Mutant Enemy, Fox, and  the WB. They are not mine.
Spoilers: Hero, and the things that happen in 'Parting Gifts.' It's not
the same as the show though. Okay, that didn't make a lot of sense, but
hopefully it will after you read it.
Distribution: Sure, just let me know.
Feedback: Please? Good, bad, anything.
Summary: Yet another bring Doyle back fic.
Dedicated to Christine, for all her help with this, and for lots more.


~*~*~*~*~
Doyle-


It figures that the one thing I swore I'd never do is the first thing to
give me peace since this all began. But didn't I already know that? From
the first moment I saw her face in the firelight, her eyes dancing with
happiness and shock, and then anger, didn't I want to climb into her
arms and find comfort?

The thing is, I don't deserve it. Or, more accurately, she doesn't
deserve it. Because I'm not the guy she knew, not that he was any real
prize. He was almost human though, and in this world, maybe that's
enough.

But I can't let go of her, and I can't make these tears stop falling.
She feels like light, like the first fall of snow in winter, and the
first flower that blooms in spring. She feels like hope and I can't
afford to have any.

She's whispering something to me, but I can't understand the words.
Maybe I don't need to understand; maybe the sound of her voice is
enough. She's crying too, her sobs just as uncontrolled as mine. Her
fingers are digging into my back as tightly as mine are holding onto
her. If I didn't know better, if I didn't know it had to be better, I'd
think that this moment gave her as much comfort as it gave me.

And maybe it does. But that doesn't make it right, and that can't make
it forever.

I can still hear her voice, the words she said before. The wounded look
in her eyes, and the hurt in her voice as she spoke of losing me. It's
strange that I lost sight of that. She cared about me. Angel cared about
me. But I don't care about me, and that makes it all useless.

"Doyle?" Cordelia sniffled, wiping her cheeks as she pulled back
slightly to look at me. "You're not going to take off are you? Before we
can talk?"

The naked vulnerability in her voice stilled me. How could I run? Even
if every cell in my body was pleading for escape, there wasn't anywhere
I could go. That sound would follow me anywhere. "No. I won't leave."

She smiled in relief, her head falling back onto my chest. "Good." Her
fingers loosened their grip on my back, traveling in small circles over
my skin. I shivered; wishing her touch didn't feel quite so good.
"Because I would hate to have to really pummel you."

I smiled at her before I realized what I was doing, my fingers squeezing
her closer to me. "I'd hate that too." I whispered into her hair.

She pulled back again, looking up at me. Her eyes were red rimmed, and
her face was blotchy and swollen, but even that couldn't hide her
beauty. I'm not sure if anything could ever really hide it. "I'm afraid
to let go."

"I'm not going to run away."

"I'm not afraid of that." She breathed, her head tilting forward just
enough so that her hair covered her face, hiding her eyes from me. "I'm
afraid that you'll never let me do this again."

She never fails to surprise me, this girl. When did she start to
understand me so well? It's not an unreasonable fear. I know as well as
she does that no matter how long we talk tonight, it can't fix
everything. It can't fix me. And I can't promise her that I won't run
again tomorrow.

I was still trying to figure out something to say when she took a deep
breath, pulling away from me in a quick fluid movement. It reminded me
of taking band-aids off when you were little. The bracing for the pain
as the hair was ripped from your body. She slipped back a few steps, her
hand reaching out to grab mine as it fell from her body, holding onto it
tightly. "It's okay." She whispered, forgiving me for not reassuring
her. Maybe understanding why I couldn't?

"I want..."

"I know." She replied, cutting me off firmly. "And someday you will."

I frowned at her, wishing I had some of her certainty. Wishing she had
less. After everything that's happened, after all the pain I've given
her, she's still looking for the fairy tale ending, and I don't know how
to tell her it can't be that way. "Cordelia..."

She shook her head, refusing the words before I had a chance to say
them. "Let's talk about you, okay? Or me. Or whatever you want to talk
about. Let's talk about Reiff's ceremony, or Beli's talent at art." Her
voice was slightly desperate as she continued. "Let's talk about
anything but us."

I nodded, dropping my head to escape the plea in her eyes for a moment.
This is what I wanted to avoid. I don't want to see her needs, her
wants. I don't want to know how much this hurts her, because I can
barely survive how much it hurts me. "Okay." I whispered gently,
fighting back the urge to smooth her hair back. It would make her happy
if I did. Hell, it would make me happy. But I don't deserve that
anymore, and I don't know if I can ever make her understand that. "Tell
me about LA. How's the acting going? Are you a star yet?"

She snorted, rolling her eyes. "Not exactly. Apparently they're all
looking for someone talented."

"You're talented." I reassured her automatically, hating and loving how
quickly this felt like before.

She half smiled, her free hand reaching up toward my face. I flinched
back, unable to stop myself, and she faltered, her hand falling back to
her side. Her smile wavered, but she forced it back. "Not really. Not
like you need to be. And besides, I've got new things going on."

I froze, suddenly remembering the visions. Remembering how they hit at
any time, without warning, and definitely without caring where you were.
"The visions."

She winced, her lips twisting guiltily. "They aren't your fault."

"But they do make it hard to go on auditions." I stated firmly, looking
away from her to stare at the softly lighting sky. It would be dawn
soon. The village would be waking; children would be looking for me. She
would have to let me go to them, and then this pain could ease.

"You know what else made it hard to go on auditions?" She questioned
softly, her gaze following mine out into the night. "Grief."

I stiffened, my hand pulling back from hers. She just held on, knowing I
wouldn't use my strength against her. Not yet anyway. "I'm sorry."

"I know you are. I've always known you were, even when you didn't. That
makes it a little easier."

"I used you. Blamed you." I whispered into the night. "I told myself,
told everyone that you could never accept what happened to me."

"I know. And that hurts. A lot." She shifted, turning her head to mine
again. "But I wondered too. If I could have, if you had come right back
and I'd never known what it was to lose you."

I swallowed, my heart beating rapidly against my chest. "And did you
find an answer?"

She smiled, leaning forward so that she was only inches from my spikes.
"I did."

"And what was it?" I breathed, my voice shaking.

She shook her head, a smile teasing at her lips, in spite of the tears
hovering in her eyes. "You know the answer Doyle. Would I be sitting
here if it wasn't the right one?"

"And you're not angry? That I left for you, and there was no reason?"

"There was a reason." She answered, her face solemn. "You didn't leave
for me, you left for you."

Ah, there it was. Simple and to the point as she always was. It never
had anything to do with her, and it had always had everything to do with
me. I've always known I was selfish. At least, once my demon half
announced itself. In some small corner of my mind I've always wondered
if it was a trait of the demon, but I know it isn't. It's the trait of a
man who'd never suffered himself, who'd spent his life wanting to help
others, maybe even succeeding sometimes, but never at any cost to
himself.

Until his little world spun off his axis, and the only thing he could
see anymore was his own pain. I'd lost Harry because I couldn't get past
it, and I'd lose Cordy for the same reason. Because I can't change that
part of me any more than I can make the spikes on my face disappear.
"You should hate me for that."

"I don't." She said calmly. "I understand, probably better than you
think."

I shook my head, feeling the air moving through my spikes. I wanted to
duck my head, hide the movement from her. As if ducking my head could
hide what I was from her eyes. "It's selfish you know."

"It's not." She argued mildly, her voice as soft as the breeze that
floated past us. "Or it is, but not in a bad way. You lost a lot. I know
what that feels like. And I know how it makes you act."

"I'm not like you. I didn't just lose some money, or my security. I lost
who I was. And you can earn more money and replace what you lost. I
can't ever do that." I was angry again, my breath loud as I waited for
her reply.

"I don't think you've lost him. He's just misplaced."

"You can't be this blind Cordelia. You've never looked away from the
truth." I was shouting now, my voice certain to wake the others. I
wondered briefly if Angel still wore the ring, if he'd come stomping
across the field any moment to protect her. The thought made me furious
and relieved.

She was silent for a while, her shoulders slumping tiredly. I forced
myself to look at her, to look past the loss I felt when I did, to see
the scared woman behind. She was battered and bruised, her legs a mess
of black and purple, small scrapes littering the perfection of her
tanned skin, but the worst thing was her eyes. The warring of hope and
fear that she couldn't hide behind a mask. She took a deep breath, her
fingers trembling in mine as she spoke. "I'm not sure I know what the
truth is anymore. You're trying so hard to hide from me and I can tell
myself that I understand why, that I have at least some idea of the pain
you're in, but maybe I don't. I've never lost sight of who I am. Not
once, no matter how much pain I was in, but I've never suffered like
you. So, maybe, this time, I don't know what your truth is."

"I'm a demon." I whispered shakily. "That's my truth."

She stared at me with wide eyes, her lips quivering. "Tonight, when I
was talking to Bydel, she told me I couldn't pretend that what happened
to you was only in your appearance. That I had to accept that you were a
demon."

"And can you?" I asked, hating myself for asking the question again, in
a different form maybe, but it was the same question regardless.

"Yes." She brushed aside my question impatiently. "But I did that the
moment I understood. Maybe there was more I had to learn, more I still
have too, but that won't change anything. Because underneath it all,
you're still Doyle. I can still see you in your eyes. I can still hear
you in your voice. You're still there, and that's what you need to
accept."

"And what if I can't?" I whispered the words, hating that it always came
back to this. Hating that I made them suffer and that I would do it
again.

"I have to believe you will." She replied her eyes shining as she looked
at me. "You just need time."

I frowned at her, wishing she wouldn't make it sound so simple. Take two
aspirins and call me in the morning. Take a little time and you won't
even care that you're a demon. It's not that easy. It can't be that
easy. "And what is your place in this?" I asked my voice tinged with
anger. It's wrong to throw it at her. This isn't her fault. None of it.
But her need for me makes me hurt more, and I can't. I don't know how to
hurt more.

"I don't know." She admitted, her face falling into the shadows that
still covered us. "I just want to be here for you. I want to help." She
stopped, biting down hard on her lip. The knowledge that she couldn't be
here for me, not forever, darkened her eyes.

"For as long as you can." I finished for her, saying the words she was
afraid to. "But you have to go back."

She bit harder, the smell of her blood filling the air as she broke the
skin. She licked her lip, wiping the blood away before I could see it.
"I don't have a choice." She whispered brokenly.

"I know." I soothed her the best I could, not wanting to add the weight
of leaving me behind on her shoulders. She had to go back, and there
wasn't a place for me to follow.

"I want you to come back with us." She spoke softly, so softly I barely
heard her whisper, her plea. I wish I hadn't. I wish she'd never spoken
the words, or that she would stop and take them back, cover them with a
pretty smile and a joke, anything to make them go away.

I couldn't go with her. I wouldn't. It's bad here, the pain and the
hurt, but it's nothing compared to what it would be there. I remember
Reiff, before we got to this island speaking of walking freely only on
Halloween. I'd be in his place then, hiding in the darkness. How could
she ask this of me?

How could she not?

"It's okay." She spoke again, her voice timid and fearful. Her
fingernails dug into my skin, the sweat on her palm mixing with the
sweat on mine. "I know..." She trailed off; her lips still moving, but
no words coming out.

"Don't." I begged her. Don't what Doyle? Isn't that what she's supposed
to say? But she didn't. It's just as well, what could I answer? Don't
feel. Don't care. Don't love me Princess. Don't make me love you back.

But it's too late for all that. She cares, she feels, she loves. And I
love her, more than I should, more than I thought I could. But she can't
save me. I can't save me. Not now, maybe not ever.

"What do you want from me?" I asked finally, feeling my face, this
strange spiny face that I've been cursed with, contorted with pain. What
could I give her that would make this better for her?

"I want to be your friend. I want it to be like it was. I want it to be
more than it was." She answered honestly; chewing her lip again, her
free hand plucking nervously at her dirt covered shorts as she waited
for my reaction.

"I can't give you that." I whispered slowly, the words clinging to my
throat as if they didn't want to be said. But it was the truth. It
couldn't ever be like it was; I couldn't ever be like I was. "I'm
sorry."

"Don't be sorry." She whispered, her face clearing slightly. Something
had changed, and I wasn't sure what. "You don't have to feel bad. Not
for anything Doyle." I tilted my head, wondering if she'd ever be less
than an enigma to me. "And I don't think it's up to you. I am your
friend. I will be your friend, even if I leave this island and never see
you again."

"Don't." I cut in, my voice low and reedy. "Please don't."

"I have to." She replied, her eyes welling with the tears I've seen so
many times since she arrived on this island. Sometimes I think she cries
the tears I haven't been able to. "I've always prided myself on telling
the truth, even if my version of the truth doesn't much resemble the
rest of the world's. But I've been so afraid, the whole time we've been
here, that I'm going to hurt you, that I'm going to say something stupid
or thoughtless and that you'd never forgive me for it. But I finally get
it. You don't hear me; you just hear what you want to hear. You ignore
all the good things I've said, and hold onto the ones that hurt."

"I don't." I argued weakly, before falling back into silence.

"You do." She confirmed needlessly. "So I'm going to spell it out for
you. Think of it as the world according to Cordelia Chase. Ready?"

"No." I whispered, knowing that wouldn't stop her. "But I get a feeling
that doesn't make a bunch of difference."

She raised an eyebrow, acknowledging my attempt at good humor. Then her
face stilled, becoming serious. Taking a deep breath she started.
"First, you're my friend. Total and complete. As in no force on this
earth could make me stop caring about you. Certainly not your face, or
any other changes.

"Second, I love you. I can't promise that I'll never hurt you, or that
I'll never disappoint you. All I know is that I want to be with you.
When you're near me I feel like smiling, and like crying. You make
everything seem more real, and more important and I like the person I am
with you." She paused, one tear escaping down her cheek. I wanted to
reach out and brush it away, but couldn't make my hand move.

"Still with me?" She asked, waiting until I nodded in response. "Third,
a lot changed when you died. Or didn't die, but we thought you did.
Sure, I got the visions, and I know you'd like to add that to your list
of imagined transgressions until you fall over under the weight of them,
but don't. You're not Angel, no one is, and you can't handle that kind
of guilt. Especially since it's pointless and stupid. You didn't give me
the visions, the PTB did. Their choice, their fault. Maybe my luck? I
learned a lot about you because of these visions. And, most importantly,
they led me back to you. I'm not sorry I have them."

"I don't believe that." I whispered, my hand trembling in hers. "You
can't be okay with having your head invaded by all the nastiness of the
world."

"Sure I can." She countered, "Cause Angel saves the people in my
visions. They live because of him, and because of me. It's a little more
hands on charity that I'd ever planned on, but I'm okay with that." I
shook my head, unwilling to believe that she could accept them that
easily. I never had. "I'll admit I freaked at first. I didn't think I
was up to the task. But I am." Her jaw jutted out slightly as if she was
afraid that I would contradict her.

I didn't. Couldn't. "I don't doubt it."

She shook her head, focusing the conversation away from her again. "It's
not important anyway, this is about you. When we lost you, when I lost
you, I finally got how much you meant to me. I haven't forgotten that,
and it hasn't changed. I was falling in love with you then in spite of
your bad habits, or maybe because of them. And I love you now because of
all that, and because of the you that I met here. I love how you act
with the children, and how much they love you. I love that you did what
you thought was best for me, even if you were wrong. I love that you
think you can protect me from the ugliness of the world, even when you
know about my visions and who I work for."

"There's a difference between a demon that can pass for human and one
who can't." I told her, already struggling to find arguments against her
words.

She stilled, dropping her head slightly. When she looked up again, her
eyes were dark with hurt. "There's nothing I can say, is there? I can
tell you everything I feel, everything I hope for, everything I need,
but it doesn't make any difference, does it?"

"Princess..." I murmured, trying to find the words to follow.

She smiled through her tears, her shoulders shaking with the effort to
keep them from turning into sobs. "No, Doyle. It's okay. I'm just being
the same old selfish Cordy. And I don't want to be."

"You're not selfish."

She laughed shortly, the sound out of place in the still clearing. "Yes,
I am. Because I want to be the one to heal you, and I can't be."

It hit me then, that I did have something I could give her. I could do
something for her that Angel couldn't, something that no other living
creature could do for her. I couldn't take my own pain away, but I could
take hers. I could be the person I once thought I was for her. I could
pretend for her.

"Doyle? Please...I shouldn't have said that." Her voice was shattered,
tears spilling quickly from her eyes as she looked at me.

I smiled at her, ignoring how much it hurt to do it. My skin was
crawling, and I could barely force the words past the fear in my chest.
"I'll go."

She froze, her eyes searching mine. "What?" She asked carefully, her
lips barely moving.

"I'll come back. To LA. With you." It should have gotten easier to say.
The lump in my throat, the burning in my eyes, they should have faded. I
was doing the right thing. I was being the Doyle she needed, that should
have made it okay.

She tilted her head, her face caught between happiness and fear. She was
struggling to believe me; I could see it in her eyes. She didn't believe
I wanted to go, and she was right. But, she wanted me to, and soon that
would overtake her fear. She would forget the look in my eyes because
she wanted to. Cordelia Chase, who always faced the truth, would turn
her back to it, because of me.

It's not exactly a moment of pride.

I watched as a brilliant smile spread across her face, trying
desperately to echo some of her joy on my own. I wasn't going to punish
her for this decision as I had punished her for my last one. This was my
choice, and for once, it was a choice that made her happy.

That was going to be enough. It would have to be.


~*~*~*~*~

Cordelia-


The next few days passed in a blur. There was so much to do to get ready
for Reiff's ceremony, and for the day we had to leave the island. I was
ready to go, now that Doyle was coming with us, but still, it was going
to be hard. Everyone had been so good to us, to me, and I was going to
miss them.

I spent a lot of time with Bydel, and Keidan, helping them get ready for
the ceremony, watching Beli so they didn't have to worry about her
wandering off. I was glad for the distraction. It wasn't like I had much
else to do.

I barely saw Doyle. I knew he was spending more time with Angel, I saw
them slip away every night to the forest to do whatever it is demons do
when they get together. When I saw Doyle he always smiled at me, and if
he backed away when I got to close, I wasn't going to complain about it.
It would take time for him to heal completely. And we had that time now.

Angel wasn't as happy about Doyle's decision as I was, but I couldn't
listen to him. I refused to listen to him.

It's not fair. We should be happy now, Angel and I. We've got Doyle
back. Instead, I think I've lost Angel. And I miss him. I miss talking
with him long into the night, miss having him there to turn to.

But, maybe I don't need him anymore. I have Doyle back. We have Doyle
back. And once we're in LA, I know Angel will be just as happy as I am.
The three of us against the evil of the world. It would be fine. It
would be perfect.

It would be wrong.

I pushed the thought back as soon as it entered my head, clenching my
jaw firmly as I walked into Bydel's home, setting the basket of fruit
down on the table by the door. Maybe Doyle's change of heart had come
quickly, but that didn't mean it was the lie Angel claimed it was.

I let out a sigh of relief as the warmth of Bydel's home immediately
surrounded me. Beli was coloring quietly in the corner, her face turned
away from me. Bydel nodded as I entered, holding up my dress for me to
see. I smiled at her, and at it as I crossed the room.

"I want to check the hem." She said, standing and slipping the dress
over my t-shirt and shorts. The bandages had come off my ankle this
morning, and I was relieved I wouldn't have to go to the ceremony still
hobbling.

My eyes wandered around the room as she knelt in front of me, pinning
the dress in a few places. Beli looked up for an instant, frowning
quickly at me before going back to her drawing. She's been wavering
between clinging to me, and being angry with me since I told her we were
leaving. Bydel asked me to let her tell Beli that Doyle was going with
us. I agreed; relieved that I didn't have to be the one to tell her that
she was losing her beloved teacher too.

She would be okay though. She had her family, and she would bounce back.
We would write to her from LA, and make sure she knew that we hadn't
forgotten her. Maybe we could send her art supplies, the kind she
couldn't get here.

"There." Bydel announced, pulling the white material away. She sat down
at the table, her needle already in hand. "Why don't you rest your ankle
for a few hours Cordelia? It's still weak." She smiled, her gaze knowing
as she continued. "And I'm sure you want to practice your lines again."

I grinned, laughing at myself along with her. I'm sure I've been driving
her crazy, making sure I know exactly where I'm supposed to be, and what
I'm supposed to be saying. She keeps telling me it's not the big deal
I'm making it out to be. I'm pretty sure Keidan and Reiff would disagree
with her. They've been out every day this week making sure the
ceremonial place is ready. I think everyone's been out there at some
point, except for me. And maybe Doyle.

I'll get to see it tonight though, if I'm not too nervous to look
around. It's silly really, it's just something you do when you're male,
and Javaran, and turning sixteen. It's like getting my license when I
turned sixteen. Except I think there'll be fewer dents and crushed
flower beds.

"Go." Bydel repeated firmly, pointing to my room.

I nodded, turning towards the door and then hesitating. Angel would
still be sleeping, the ring packed away with the rest of our things for
the trip back home. "Maybe I'll just sit by the fire."

Bydel looked up, setting the dress down on the table. "I've always
considered the truest friend to be the one who's willing to tell you
what you don't want to hear."

I frowned, averting my eyes from hers. She wasn't supposed to do this to
me. She was supposed to be happy for me. For us. I spun around, heading
into the bedroom without another word.

"Cordelia?" Angel's voice asked the second I crossed the threshold. I
glared at him in the darkness, not speaking as I settled onto my own
bed, closing my eyes tightly as if I could block out his voice as
effectively as the sunlight was blocked from this room. "You can't
ignore me forever."

"I can try." I muttered, turning over so that I was face down in the
pillow. Why was he doing this? Doyle said he would go, shouldn't that be
enough for him?

"I'm not going to ask you to change your mind."

"It wasn't my choice anyway." I argued, flipping back over and sitting
up. "Doyle made the choice, why are you trying to make me feel bad for
it?"

"I'm trying to make you see." Angel whispered, leaning up on his elbows.
"It's not like you to be blind."

"What exactly do you want me to see?" I asked angrily, my eyes filling
with frustrated tears. Why couldn't he just let this go?

Angel was silent for a moment, and then he stood, crossing the distance
between us to sit down beside me, his arm resting lightly over my
shoulder. I glared at him, but didn't move away. "I want you to look
tonight. I want you to watch Doyle at the ceremony."

"And then what?"

"And then nothing." Angel squeezed my shoulder gently before standing up
and walking to the other side of the room. "Then I'll never say another
word about this."

"Sounds good to me." I said, flopping onto my back and staring up at the
ceiling. It wouldn't be hard to do what he asked. I've been watching
Doyle for two weeks now, searching the island for a glimpse of him; at
least tonight I knew where he'd be.

So why was my stomach suddenly tied in knots, and why did I desperately
want to tell Angel that I couldn't do what he asked? We were leaving
tonight anyway. It's not like there's anything I can do now.

Beli came into our room, actually her room, shortly after, tumbling over
my bed with her new drawing. I lit the lantern, hoping that it would
keep Angel from getting any more sleep, and admired her work. She
snuggled in close to me, her small body warm and comforting.

"Cordy?" She wiggled her nose as she spoke, her eyes scrunching into
tiny slits.

"Hmmm?" I asked, touching my finger to her cheek.

"Mommy says Mr. Doyle's leaving." Her voice was hushed, secretive.

"He is." I answered gently, tilting my head and smiling at her. "He's
coming back to LA with me."

Her face paled as she scooted to the other side of the bed, her eyes
watering as she spoke again. "You're taking him away from me?"

I shook my head at her; not knowing how to explain to a child that Doyle
didn't belong to her. That he had a life before her, with us, in LA. How
could I make this understandable for her, I can't even tell her that
she'll see him again. Who knows if we'll ever come back to the island?
"Mr. Doyle used to live in LA, but after he was hurt, he needed time
with you, and with your family to get better. But now he needs to be
with Angel and I." I could feel Angel's eyes on me as I spoke, his
disagreement with what I was saying.

"Does he have new kids to teach?" She asked, her face relaxing slightly.

"No." I shut my eyes against the tightening of my stomach. "He doesn't
teach in LA."

"Then what does he do? Does he build things like my daddy? Or grow food
like Drydan?"

"No." I shook my head again, wishing she would stop. "He helps Angel."

"Oh." She breathed, leaning back against the wall and nodding. "Angel
fights the bad people, like the ones who hurt us. Will Doyle fight?"

"I don't know." I whispered, biting my lip against the tears that were
filling my eyes. "I don't know what he'll do."

She shifted again, leaning forward to look at my face. "Why are you sad?
Don't you want Mr. Doyle with you?"

"Yes I do." I told her, pulling her small body into my arms and hugging
her tightly. "I want it more than anything." Squeezing her firmly, I let
her go, setting her on the floor. "Shouldn't you be getting ready for
the ceremony?"

She looked down at her dirt-covered legs and giggled. "Yes."

I nodded, keeping the smile on my face until she shut the door behind
her. It faded as I stood, my knees shaky as I made my way after her.
"Don't say it Angel. Don't even think it." I ordered him as I opened the
door and slipped through it.

Bydel looked up as I stomped across the room, grabbing my dress as I
passed. "Where are you off to?"

"The pond." I practically growled at her. Catching myself, I forced a
smile to my face. "I need to get ready for tonight."

"Keidan filled the tub with water. You can use that."

"No." I barked, and then softened my tone. It wasn't her fault that
Angel was making me think things that weren't true. "But thanks. I need
some time." Time for what, I wasn't sure of. It wasn't like getting
ready would be the production it was in LA. I'd only brought minimal
make-up, and there wasn't any electricity to use my hair dryer even if I
wanted to.

I was still walking fast when I reached the pond, my mood darkening as I
saw a figure sitting at the edge of the water, his back turned to me. It
took a second for recognition to hit, and another ten for me to figure
out whether I was planning on running away or staying.

"Doyle." I whispered softly, walking over to sit beside him. He flinched
as my arm brushed his, his body shifting away.

"Cordy." He replied his lips turned up in a painful smile.

I smiled back, wondering why I felt so awkward. This was Doyle. Our
Doyle. My Doyle. I held out my dress, setting it on the rock beside me.
"I needed a little alone time before the ceremony."

Doyle nodded, his eyes lingering on the white dress for a moment before
turning away. "Me too."

"You let the kids go early today." I said, kicking myself for stating
the obvious.

"Yes." He agreed, still staring off into the distance. He shifted again;
until he was facing the cave we had found Beli in. "They want to move
back soon. Now that Sabi's better. I told them they could keep my house,
if they wanted it."

"But the caves are their home." Where is your home Doyle?

Doyle nodded, his eyes still focused on the cave. "I'd better get back."
He whispered.

"Yeah." I breathed, fighting to keep the disappointment off my face. I
watched as he stood slowly, his eyes looking anywhere but at me.
"Doyle?"

"What?" He asked, still refusing to look in my direction.

I hesitated, hating that I was afraid to ask the question. Hating that I
was afraid the answer would be a lie, and even more afraid the answer
would be the truth. "Are you still coming? To LA?"

"Yes." He said shortly, his feet already lengthening the distance
between us. I didn't have a chance to say anything else before he
entered the darkness of the forest. Not that I could have come up with
anything to say if he had stayed.

It'll be better when we're home, I promised myself as I slipped into the
cool water. Floating on my back, I stared up at the clear blue sky,
repeating the words like a mantra.

The sun was beginning its descent when I pulled myself from the water.
Drying my hair with my shirt, I wrapped it into a loose knot on my neck.
Then I slipped the dress over my head, smiling at the softness of it. I
don't know how Bydel does it, everything I've washed here has the same
rough feel, but her clothes always seem like they're fresh from the
dryer.

Slipping my feet back into my sandals I hurried through the woods, not
wanting to make them wait for me. Beli met me at the edge of the woods,
her face pink with excitement. I could see the fire burning in the
distance, and the low hum of the men chanting echoed around us.

"Come on." Beli urged, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards home.
"Daddy and Reiff are already gone."

"I'm coming." I laughed, my ankle twinging slightly as I ran after her.

Bydel was waiting for us on the steps, a basket of flowers and plants in
her hand. I stopped at the bottom of the steps, waiting for her. "You
look wonderful."

She paused, flushing with pleasure. "Thank you Cordelia." She climbed
down the rest of the steps, taking a few loose flowers from the basket
and handing the rest to Beli. Motioning me closer, she quickly wrapped
the stems of the flowers together, fashioning a crude wreath that she
placed carefully on my head.

I frowned at her, suddenly nervous again. "No big deal, right?"

She smiled, shaking her head as she took a step away from me. "You look
beautiful."

I snorted, looking away from her. I was used to being told I was
beautiful, too used to it really, but not like she said it. Somehow she
made it seem like so much more than my looks. My eyes welled up again; I
was going to miss her. "My hair is still wet, I don't have a stitch of
make-up on..." I trailed off, my fingers plucking at the breezy material
that covered my legs.

"And the dress isn't something you would have picked out yourself."
Bydel finished, her voice filled with laughter.

I shook my head, smiling ruefully at her. "It's a little conservative."

"I want my wedding dress to look just like it." Beli whispered, tucking
her hand into mine.

I shook my head, wrinkling my nose as I grinned at her. Bydel laughed,
grabbing Beli's other hand as we began the walk to the ceremony site.
The sun was almost set now, and Angel would be following us shortly. The
thought made my stomach tighten again. I didn't want Angel there. I
didn't want to have to look at the night through his eyes.

Or at Doyle through his eyes.

I straightened my shoulders, pushing the thought out of my head as Beli
pulled me into the ceremonial circle. The Javaran were already gathered,
broken up into smaller groups. They were laughing, and talking loudly,
each one of them taking a moment to congratulate Keidan and Bydel on
their son. Reiff wasn't there. He wouldn't arrive until the ceremony was
under way.

"Cordelia?" Keidan walked up to me, smiling down at Beli before taking
my hand. "We need you over here."

"Okay." I whispered, feeling my stomach lurch nervously. I didn't want
to mess this up for Reiff, for the Javaran. They had been so kind to me,
so much kinder than they needed to be. Even when Doyle was avoiding us,
when I thought that our presence might be doing more damage than good
they made me feel at home.

To be honest, they made me feel like I was one of them. It was a good
feeling. Sudden tears burned at my eyes again. Leaving them was going to
be harder than I thought.

Bydel squeezed my hand as I walked past her, her smile reassuring me
that no matter what I did, everything would be fine. I smiled nervously
back, letting go of her hand and following Keidan away from the circle.

"You're nervous." Keidan said; looking puzzled as he turned to face me.
"Why?"

"I don't want to ruin anything." I answered, shrugging my shoulders as
casually as I could. "This is Reiff's night."

"You'll be fine." Another voice reassured me, and I spun around to meet
Angel's eyes. "You could do this in your sleep."

I nodded, wishing that I could let myself lean on him for a moment.
"Thanks." I muttered, cursing the stiffness of my voice. Why couldn't
this be easier? Why couldn't the three of us manage to be happy, or at
least content at the same time for once?

Angel smiled, his eyes understanding as he reached out and smoothed a
loose strand of hair from my face. "I'll see you after."

I nodded again, wondering where my ability to talk endlessly about
nothing had gotten too. Angel moved over to Keidan speaking to him in
such a soft voice that I didn't even try to listen in. Drydan joined
them, and together they moved away from me and into the thicket of trees
that Reiff was waiting in.

I watched them silently as the drums began to beat, a slow steady rhythm
that seemed somehow to be coming from every direction. Angel reappeared,
walking quickly into the circle and taking a seat to the right of Bydel.
I chewed on my lip, fighting the urge to check my hair, or fiddle with
my dress.

Drydan and Keidan appeared next, each carrying a large log. They walked
into the middle of the circle, setting the logs at parallels to each
other.

The beat of the drums changed then, quickening, the rhythm becoming more
insistent as Reiff walked from the forest, clothed in the same white
material that made my dress. He too wore a crown of flowers on his head,
and I think maybe the same nervous expression.

He met my eyes quickly as he walked by, mouthing a thank you before
walking into the circle to the pounding of the drums. I took a deep
breath, trying to still the butterflies in my stomach. It's silly. I've
never been anxious about anything that put me in the spotlight. God, I
used live for it.

But that was then and this is now, and I think I may be sick.

The soft humming of the gathered group was growing louder, and through
the buzzing in my head I could hear Drydan performing the first parts of
the ceremony. According to Bydel the whole thing only took about ten
minutes, and my part was the very last, so I had maybe eight minutes
left to get it together.

Exhaling slowly, I turned away from the circle, staring blankly into the
trees. It took a few minutes for my eyes to adjust to the darkness, but
when they did, I saw him. Standing almost hidden in the trees. I don't
think I would have noticed him if it weren't for the reflected firelight
making his eyes glow a soft red.

I stepped forward, forgetting about the ceremony, forgetting that I was
nervous. "Doyle?"

He started, the branches of the tree he was hiding behind swaying softly
as he pulled back. "It's almost time." He whispered, coming out from the
cover of the trees and walking over to me. "You look like a princess."

I smiled, feeling my eyes well with tears. "Thanks." I took one more
step closer to him, faltering when I felt him tense. Stopping I held my
hands out to him, telling myself not to be hurt when he didn't take
them. "Why aren't you inside?"

He half-smiled, shifting his weight uncomfortably. "It's hard." He
admitted.

I sighed, wishing I could take his pain. "They want you there." All of
them. He had a family here too. Angel and I weren't the only ones who
loved him. I wasn't the only one who wanted him to heal. He had an
entire village rooting for him. A huge support system, one who
understood more about the pain he felt than I could ever dream of. My
stomach tightened, and I fought desperately against the tears suddenly
burning my eyes.

"I know." He said, his hand lifting to brush over my cheek before he
slid inside the circle. I spun around, watching as Angel and Bydel made
space for him at the front. Reiff turned slightly, smiling with relief
when he caught sight of Doyle. From the head of the circle, Drydan and
Keidan motioned to Doyle to come forward.

I stepped closer to the entrance of the circle, my nervousness overcome
by my curiosity. I didn't know Doyle was part of the ceremony. He half
turned then, and I could read the shock on his face. He hadn't known
either. But we both should have expected it. He was part of them, and
more than that, he was like a big brother to Reiff. Or maybe more
accurately, they were big brothers to each other.

"Will you stand at this boys side and swear that he is ready to become a
man?" Drydan asked formally. I held my breath, recognizing this part of
the ceremony. He was asking Doyle to be his Kaitah. But how could he be,
when we were leaving?

Doyle nodded, his voice gravely as he answered. "I would swear it on my
life, and on the lives of my loved ones." One tear escaped and slipped
down my cheek as he said the words. I understood then, finally letting
the blinders go. I couldn't do this to him. I couldn't be that selfish,
that needy. I wanted him. I loved him. But for now, he needed them.

"It is so sworn." Drydan pronounced, stepping back and motioning for
Doyle to take his place at the head of the circle beside him. Turning to
Reiff he asked, "Do you believe you are ready to take up the mantle of
the Javaran? To stand at our side as a man rather than protected like a
child?"

"I do." Reiff whispered, kneeling down in front of them. Keidan, Drydan
and finally Doyle each lay a hand on his head, Drydan speaking softly in
Javaran the entire time.

"Stand son, and take your place as a man." Keidan said. He moved back to
reveal a wooden chair, the seat covered in leaves. The drums grew
louder, and the beat slowed. I stepped forward, recognizing the haunting
melody immediately. Beli met me at the entrance to the circle, carrying
the basket of flowers and herbs. I took them from her, kissing the top
of her head before stepping into the circle.

I walked forward quickly, my eyes never wavering from Reiff. I could
feel Doyle and Angel by my side, their faith warming me. Stopping in
front of Reiff, I smiled slowly. "I am here to welcome you in the name
of all woman. I am the old woman you help, and the young girl that you
love. I am the mother you honor and the sister you protect. I am the
daughter who has yet to be born, and the grandmother who has already
left. I am the growth of your family and the warmth of your heart."

Reiff bowed his head; his voice still sounding so young as he answered.
"I am grateful for your presence."

"I give you flowers." I whispered, holding out the blossoms to him. "So
that you may find beauty and grace in all your life." He took them from
me, setting them carefully down on his lap. I plucked the herbs from the
basket, moving to set them in his hands. "I give you herbs so that you
may always have health and hope." The only thing left in the basket were
the seeds, and I moved a step closer before placing them in his cupped
hand. "I give you seeds so that you may bring life. Plants to nourish
and sustain your body and children to nourish and sustain your heart."
Stepping back I bowed my head, feeling the beauty of the ritual
tightening my chest.

Reiff smiled. "I will both honor and treasure the gifts that you bring
me."

"That is all that we ask." I whispered, feeling the growing excitement
of the group gathered behind me. The ceremony was almost over, and they
were anxious to get to the celebration.

Keidan and Drydan moved forward and Bydel stood to join them. Joining
hands, they announced in unison. "We present Reiff, man."

And with that simple pronouncement the ceremony was over. The group
converged on Reiff, congratulating him loudly and happily. The drums
started again, beating out rapidly into the night. I looked around,
suddenly realizing that Doyle had disappeared.

Angel was standing on the edge of the circle, his eyes looking outward.
I walked over to him, a huge lump in my throat. "He's gone?" I asked,
already knowing the answer.

"He's not far." Angel answered, still not looking at me. "You were
wonderful."

"Thanks." I said, sighing softly and leaning against his solid shoulder.
"He's got a lot here, doesn't he? More than I could give him in LA?"

"He doesn't have to hide here." Angel said simply.

I was silent for a few minutes, my eyes full of tears I wasn't ready to
cry yet. Angel slipped an arm over my shoulder, pulling me closer to him
as we stared out into the night. "Did you see what direction he went
in?" I asked finally.

Angel pointed silently to the path leading back to the village. I
nodded, letting him comfort me without words for a little while longer
before heading in the same direction.

~*~*~*~*~
Doyle-


I couldn't stay after the ceremony. Reiff's choice of me as his Kaitah
had been a surprise, and a nice one for a change. But it didn't make me
suddenly feel at peace. Just like my decision to leave with Cordelia
hadn't. If anything it had made everything worse.

But it was done, and in a few days, we would be on the ship. Back to LA,
back to the real world. The world that I didn't have a place in any
more. My stomach churned, and I fought hard against the desire to just
disappear into the forest until their ship left.

I sat down heavily on a log, staring sightlessly into the dying embers
of the fire. The trees rustled behind me, and I spoke without turning my
head. "Getting a little rusty on the stealth guy routine Angel?" When he
didn't answer, I continued. "I don't want to talk about it anymore. It's
done. I'm going back to LA. It's my choice and I'm happy with it."

"Are you?" A soft voice answered. I spun around, my breath hitching at
the sight of her. No one person should be so beautiful; it's hard on a
demon's heart.

"Cordelia." I whispered, my head dropping. As if that would help, the
image of her is imprinted in my mind. I can't close my eyes without
seeing her. "Shouldn't you be at the celebration?"

"Shouldn't you?" She countered, walking over and sitting down on the log
next to me. I flinched when her arm rubbed against mine. She stiffened,
her body sliding over a few inches until she wasn't touching me any
more. I didn't look up; I could feel the pain in her eyes without seeing
it.

We were quiet for a few minutes; the faint beat of the drums the only
sound breaking the silence of the night. "I didn't know you were going
to be part of the ceremony." She said softly.

"Neither did I." I answered, plucking at the worn material of my pants
as I continued. "It's considered a great honor to be named Kaitah."

"Is that what you were?" She asked, her voice trembling with an emotion
that didn't seem fitting to the conversation. Nervousness I think. And
sadness. But I didn't know why.

"Yes." I said. "The Kaitah is supposed to be the mentor. The guide I
guess. For the rest of the journey into adulthood." I paused, not
knowing if I should tell her what it was really supposed to entail. Not
that it mattered; the Javaran didn't follow the old customs that
closely.

"Until he's eighteen." Cordelia finished for me, turning her body so
that I could feel her looking at me. "He was saying he wanted to learn
your trade, be your apprentice."

"It doesn't matter." I lifted my head, trying to make a reassuring smile
form on my face. I don't think I succeeded. "I'm coming to LA." She
didn't say anything in response, her head dropping to stare at some
unseen dot on her lap. I watched her, waiting for her to respond in some
way. Waiting for her to become the happy Cordelia I had caught glimpses
of in the last few days. "Princess?"

"I want to be better than this." She said softly, folding her hands in
her lap. Her head was tilted down, so I couldn't see her eyes, couldn't
see anything more than the words she was saying.

And I was lost. "Better than what?"

She laughed, a low bitter sound that lingered in the air longer than it
should have. "Don't make me say it Doyle." She pleaded, lifting her head
for a moment, letting me see the pain in her eyes, and then she looked
away. I shook my head, reaching out to touch her, but pulling back at
the last second. What kind of monster am I that I can see that much pain
and not offer comfort?

"Cordy..." I began, shifting uncomfortably on the hard log. That would
be one thing at least that would be better in LA. Soft chairs. "You've
lost me here."

"I know." She whispered, reaching up to pull the crown of flowers from
her head. She set it down gently on the dirt in front of her, her
fingers brushing over the soft petals. "And I think that maybe it's time
I admitted that."

My stomach rolled over, my body tensing in preparation. This was
something; whatever she had to say it was going to change everything.
Again. "What are you talking about?"

She leaned back; her hair slipping loose of the knot it was tied in.
"It's hard to say." She admitted reluctantly. Her face was in constant
motion, one second I would swear she was on the edge of tears, the next
a smile lit her lips, and then there was the pain. That's the one that
got to me, made me wish with everything I was that I could make it
better for her. But I couldn't and maybe now she knows that too.

I'm relieved, and I hate myself for it. "Princess..."

She shook her head firmly, turning her body so that she was facing me.
"You're not coming to LA." She blurted the words quickly; as if she was
afraid her lips would refuse to say them if she hesitated. Tears slipped
from her eyes as she reached out carefully, taking my hand in hers. "You
can't."

"Cordy..." I began.

"You have so much here. I didn't realize it, didn't want to. Angel did."
She rushed on, refusing to let me speak. "If you came to LA you'd be
giving all that up. I can't ask you to do that."

"You're in LA." I whispered, unable to let her down without a fight. It
would end as she wanted it to, with me going to LA or staying here. The
choice was hers this time. I wasn't taking the chance of stealing it
from her again.

"And your family is here." She said, her breath coming in hiccups as she
struggled to keep from sobbing. I wanted so badly to wrap my arms around
her and comfort her, but my limbs were frozen in place.

"You and Angel are my family."

"So are the Javaran, and right now, they can help you better than I can.
Better than Angel can." She sniffed, her body trembling violently. "You
don't think you belong anywhere, but I know you do. You belong here. I
saw it tonight. You belong with them."

"I can come back to visit." I offered, but my voice was weak. I wanted
this, the safety of the island, the knowledge that no one would turn
away from me because of my face. I needed it. "I'm coming with you."

"Don't." She begged, her tears falling quicker now. "Please. Don't lie
to me any more Doyle. Don't make me want to believe the lie."

"I'm sorry." I whispered, not knowing exactly which sin I was
apologizing for.

"Why?" She asked, lifting her eyes to mine. "Because you want to make me
happy? Because you were willing to sacrifice yourself for my peace?" She
paused, her fingers moving slowly over the back of my hand. "I'm the one
who's sorry."

"You don't ever have to be sorry."

She laughed sadly, the sound dying quickly. "We all have to be sorry at
some point. It's a rule I think."

I was silent, wishing that there were something I could say to make this
easier for her. Easier for me. "I do love you." I whispered finally.

"And I love you." She returned, wiping the tears from her face with her
free hand. "That's why you have to stay. If you came back, it would
destroy you, and I love you too much to do that."

"It's my choice." I said finally. "If it destroyed me, it wouldn't have
been because of you."

"It wasn't your choice." She said softly, firmly. "Angel kept telling me
that, but I wasn't listening. It was my choice. You said the words, but
this time, you really were doing it for me."

"I don't want you to be sad." I whispered, reaching out tentatively to
brush a finger along the wetness of her cheek.

She shook her head, fresh tears spilling out, wetting my hand. "I'm not
sad. You're alive. That's all that matters to me."

"I hurt you."

"You hurt." She whispered; absolving me in that one instant of every
tear I made her cry. Every tear I would still make her cry. "And I hurt
for you. I want to make it better, but I know that I can't."

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

"No." She refused my apology, her eyes sparkling with tears as she
looked at me. "It doesn't matter. What does matter is that you heal. And
you can do that here." I looked away, not wanting to say anything to
take more of her certainty from her. But the question hung in the air
anyway, what if I couldn't? What if it didn't make any difference where
I was? Maybe I was always going to hurt like this. "You will heal." She
whispered, answering the unspoken question. "You're too strong not too."

"I don't feel strong."

"You will." She promised.

"I wish..." I started, wanting to tell her of the dreams I had once had
for us. The dreams I still hadn't quite let go of. Maybe after I did,
maybe then I could visit her in LA. Maybe then I could see her in the
life she deserved and not ache for the life that was stolen from me.

"Me too." She answered, squeezing my hand tightly. "But there's still
time."

I shook my head, knowing once she got back to LA and her real life the
memory of me would fade. It had before, and this time she could move on
with her life without mourning what could have been. I ran my fingers
over the back of her hand, trying to offer her some of the solace she
wanted for me. "I'm never going to forget you." I whispered, "And I'm
always going to love you."

She shook her head, taking a deep breath. "No. That's not good enough."

"Cordy..."

"It's not over Doyle." She said firmly, taking my hand and pulling me to
my feet. "I'm way too stubborn for that."

"I can't give you what you deserve." I argued as she pulled me into a
hug. I tensed, but let her wrap her arms around me.

"I deserve you." She answered into my shoulder. "And someday, I'll
collect." Pulling away, she smiled at me, her eyes still shimmering with
tears. "But for now, we're going to Reiff's celebration, and we're going
to dance."

"I don't dance Cordy." I said, shaking my head at her sudden departure
from the solemn good-bye I thought we were having.

She bit her lip, her eyes welling again as she stared into my eyes. "We
have to leave soon, and I want more memories of you to take back with
me."

I nodded my agreement, letting her keep my hand as we walked back to the
celebration. Angel was watching us as we entered the clearing, his face
studying Cordelia's. She looked back silently, and he nodded once before
disappearing into the darkness. "I don't dance." I said again.

She turned to me, her face breaking into a sad smile. "But tonight you
will."

I stared at her for a long frozen moment. She was so beautiful, standing
in the firelight, wearing a dress that was as close to a wedding gown as
I'd ever see her wear. Her lips trembled, but she wasn't crying as she
held her hands out to me. A small smile lifted my lips as I nodded,
reaching out to take her hands. "But tonight I will."


~*~*~*~*~

Angel-


I think after the ceremony, after Doyle and Cordelia talked, the three
of us were on edge. We had said everything we could, told him how much
he meant to us, and how much we wanted him in our life. Now, we had to
leave him behind so that he could heal.

I contacted the ship, telling them to prepare to leave at any moment.
Our bags are packed, and the dingy checked for leaks. We don't talk
about it though. One day soon, the vision will come and we'll have to
leave, but until then, we can enjoy the time we have left.

There's a peace here that doesn't have anything to do with the island
itself. These people bring their own peace to everything they touch.
They've suffered so much, and I thought they would hold onto the
bitterness longer. But they haven't. They look at this island as a gift,
and treasure it as such. The life they left behind, the persecution and
the fear are nothing more than faint memories to them.

I feel safe leaving Doyle in their keeping. They'll protect him, soothe
him, and be there for him as he begins to find himself again. Then, once
he has, he can come back to us. We'll be waiting, I'm sure of that.

Cordelia's been amazing as always. She let him go with such grace. I
watched them dancing the night of the ceremony, wishing that I had some
way of capturing the moment for her. But when she came back to the
cabin, her eyes shining with grief and joy, and fell into my arms
sobbing, I realized that she would never forget.

She hasn't cried since then. I think she's trying to cram every memory
she can into the time we have left. She understands that they may have
to last her a long time. If she were anyone else, I might say a
lifetime, but I've learned better than to bet against her.

I'm sure that someday, Doyle's going to learn that same lesson.

You'd think, with all the time he used to spend gambling, he'd already
know better than to bet against a sure thing.

He's been trying though, these last few days, to put his own feelings
aside to give her the time she needs to let him go. I know he walks home
with her everyday after school, Beli wedged between them, a chattering,
giggling chaperone. He eats lunch with them, his stilted voice carrying
through the walls to my dark room.

Cordelia never makes him stay longer. She's always got something planned
with Bydel, or at least, that's what she tells him. The first day, she
really did, but the second and third, she just came into our room and
sat down on the edge of my bed, waiting for me to sit up and join her.

I don't think I'll ever remember what we talked about on those long
afternoons, but I'll always remember how they felt.

We'd talk about everything and nothing until the sun began to set, and
then she'd make another excuse about helping Bydel with supper, leaving
me to find Doyle. She never asked to join us on our nightly excursions,
although I know being left out hurt her.

But tonight feels different. The sun is setting, and Cordelia's already
made her excuse, but tonight, I want her with us.

"Do you want to go?" I asked, smiling at the sudden stillness of her
body.

She turned back from the door, a wary look in her eyes. "Are you sure?
Will it be okay with Doyle?"

"It'll be okay." I reassured her, not sure if I was telling the truth or
not. Doyle's much more relaxed with me. I think it's partly because I'm
a demon, and partly because he's not in love with me. I should be hurt.

"Okay." She agreed, swallowing nervously. She tilted her head, chewing
on her lip for a minute. "You guys don't kill small animals or anything,
do you? I mean, I'd understand, but I'm not sure that I want to watch."

I frowned at her before noticing the laughter in her eyes. Swatting her
back, I pushed her through the door. "Move."

"I'm going." She laughed, letting me take the lead as we headed to
Doyle's.

He was waiting on the steps, and if he was surprised, or angry that
Cordelia was with me, I never saw it. He fell in step with the two of us
and we silently crossed the field to the forest.

Doyle stopped at the edge, turning to her with a small smile. "Stay
right behind me, okay?"

She nodded, her face serene as we headed into the woods.

No more words were spoken as we walked through the forest, listening to
the sounds of the night. We ended up at Beli's place, kicking off our
shoes and dipping our feet into the cool water of the pond.

I think this is going to be my favorite memory of this time. The three
of us sitting in the forest like we have all the time in the world to be
together.

But we didn't. We had no time at all.

We got back to the village a few minutes before the nightly gathering
around the campfire. Doyle excused himself to change, and Cordelia and I
were left alone for a few minutes.

We were moving towards the gathering when Cordelia screamed, grabbing
her head and almost falling to the ground. I caught her, hauling her
into my arms as she whimpered. I'm glad Doyle wasn't here. It still
hurts him to see her suffer with his curse.

She let go of her head slowly, lifting sad eyes to meet mine.

"What was it?" I asked, rubbing her shoulders gently. There was a only
slight hitch in my voice to betray the sadness I felt.

"Demons, people, badness. The usual." She said, attempting to joke her
way through the pain that had blossomed in her eyes. "It's going to
happen on the first of April."

"How do you know?" I questioned.

She shrugged, looking as puzzled as I felt. "When do we leave?" She
asked softly, obviously trying to brace herself for my answer.

"Tonight." I said the word quickly, wanting to get it over with. There
was no point in waiting another day. It would just be more painful.
"That'll give us time to get home...before."

"Oh." She breathed, her eyes filling with tears. "So that's it?"

I nodded, remembering another life when she had said those same words to
me. That time, I had told her the PTB wouldn't give us Doyle back. This
time, I had to tell her we were leaving him behind.

I stood slowly, holding out a hand for her to take. She hesitated before
taking it, her voice trembling as she spoke. "We have to find Doyle. We
have to be the ones who tell him."

"I know. He's probably still at his place." Wrapping one arm around her
shoulder, we headed slowly towards his house. Drydan was passing by as 
we arrived, carrying an armful of wood.

"He's not there." He offered, smiling at the both of us. "Reiff grabbed
him. I think they're at the back fire." He added as he walked away.

Cordelia sagged against me for a minute before straightening her
shoulders. "Let's go."

We both slowed when we reached the smaller fire. It seemed fitting that
we would tell him here. Reiff stood as we arrived, nodding at both of us
before disappearing into the darkness.

Cordelia lingered behind as I walked over to the fire. I sat down a few
feet from Doyle, staring at the fire instead of him. Now that I was
here, the words were hard to find.

"She had a vision." Doyle said evenly, not looking away from the fire.

"How did you know?" I asked with mild surprise.

"Cordy's not exactly one to suffer in silence." Doyle answered, a smile
quirking the edges of his mouth as he turned to face her. She raised an
eyebrow and quickly closed the rest of the distance between us.

I smiled into the fire, nodding his head in agreement. "No, she's not."

"You have to go back." Doyle said calmly. I watched him, wondering if he
was more relieved than anything else. Maybe while we had been dreading
this day, he had been waiting for it.

"Yes." I lifted my head to see how Cordelia was doing. "We're leaving in
a few hours."

Doyle looked surprised for the first time. "Tonight?"

"We have to." I said, moving over slightly so that Cordelia could sit
down between us. She did, being careful to keep from touching Doyle.

We were all silent for a while, staring into the fire as if it could
somehow fix the things we couldn't. As if we could somehow make time
stop, and just sit here forever.

"Are you packed?" Doyle asked, breaking the silence.

Angel nodded, looking over at me. "We didn't bring much."

Doyle sighed, leaning back on the log. "No. You weren't planning on
staying long, were you?"

I almost laughed, remembering our trip to the island. Both of us so
caught up in our fear that something had happened to the people Doyle
had given his life for. We were different people then. We were people
who had lost Doyle. Now, we weren't.

Even if he wasn't coming with us.

"I wish we could stay longer." Cordelia murmured. I think she was
talking mostly to herself, but that's pretty much impossible to do when
everyone around you has supernatural hearing.

"I know." I agreed, reaching over and taking one of her hands.

Doyle's face tightened slightly, but his voice was soft. "It might not
have seemed like it, but I've liked having you here."

Tears pushed at her eyes as she reached over and grabbed his hand with
her free one. "We like having you here." she whispered.

Doyle stiffened, but he didn't pull away. "What was in your vision?" He
asked Cordelia quietly.

"The usual, death and destruction. And lots of evil." She sighed,
forcing a smile to her lips. "Angel'll deal with it."

Doyle nodded, his eyes fastened on me as he spoke again. "Maybe I should
go with you."

"What?" Cordelia and I asked in unison. Her fingers were shaking in mine
as we waited for him to continue.

Doyle lifted his head, his eyes dark with guilt and misery. "I'm
stronger now. I'd be good in a fight. Maybe you need me."

"We need you here. We need you to heal."

"But what if something happens? What if you need my help?" Doyle
whispered, his shoulder slumping.

"I won't." I said firmly. "Not as much as I need you to be okay."

Cordelia nodded in agreement, slipping her hand from mine to turn fully
to Doyle. "Don't do this to yourself. Don't feel guilty because of what
Angel does, or what I do. Please?"

Doyle looked at her for a long minute and then dropped his head. "It
doesn't matter anyway. I can't go. I couldn't make myself get on the
ship." The self- disgust in his voice pulled at me.

"It's okay." Cordelia said firmly, taking his other hand in hers. "Don't
feel bad because you need time to heal. Look at Angel here, after he was
cursed he ate rats for what was it? A century?" She looked over at me,
her eyes apologizing. Then she focused back on Doyle, leaning as close
to him as she dared. "But you? You teach. You have friends, and family.
You already on your way Doyle."

He nodded, pulling away from her and standing up. "I'll walk you to the
beach."

She dropped her head for an instant, then looked up, a bright smile
shining through the tears on her face. "Someday I am going to give you
the biggest 'I told you so' in the history of 'I told you so's."

Doyle shook his head, all the love her felt for her shining in his eyes.
"I hope so." He said quietly before turning and walking quickly towards
Bydel's.

They were all waiting when we arrived there, from the smallest child to
the elders of the village. Keidan and Reiff were holding our bags, and
Bydel's arms were full of flowers. She handed them to Cordelia, her
voice thick as she spoke. "I remember how stale the cargo hold was."

Cordelia took them, her chin trembling violently as she cradled them to
her. I reached over to take the bags from Reiff, but he shook his head.
"We'll walk with you to the beach."

I nodded, letting them take the lead as Cordelia, Doyle and I hung back.
"This will be okay." Cordelia said quietly. "We'll all be okay."

Doyle sucked in a ragged breath, looking at me for answers. I shook my
head, not knowing what I was supposed to say. We were silent the rest of
the way to the beach, each of us lost in our own thoughts.

The Javaran were lined up along the beach, their faces somber as they
watched our approach. Cordelia stopped suddenly, turning to Doyle. "You
have to promise me, no matter how hard it is, that you never give up."
She was shaking as she took his hands in hers, her eyes fierce as she
looked at him. "Promise me."

"Cordy..." Doyle shook his head, looking to me again for assistance. I
backed away, knowing I couldn't interfere. Not in this. "I'm not going
to do anything stupid. I won't ever kill myself."

"That's not what I mean." She whispered. "I want you to live, not just
exist. I want to know that your life means something to you."

"You mean something to me." He offered, his voice cracking. But it
wasn't enough, and we all knew it.

"Then live for me. Live because I need you to be in this world. Live
because I need you to heal."

"I can't live for you." He took a step closer to her, his eyes filled
with tears.

"You died for me." She whispered, biting down on her lip as tears
streamed down her cheeks.

"That was the easy part." He said, pulling his hands from hers and
taking a step back.

She nodded, her hands rising to cover her face as her shoulders shook. I
moved closer to them, wanting to help, but knowing there was nothing I
could do. She uncovered her face finally, brushing the tears away. I
could almost feel her gathering her strength as she faced Doyle again.
"The hard parts don't last forever." She promised. They stared at each
other silently until Cordelia's eyes welled with tears again as she
turned away, moving to say goodbye to the others.

"I love her." Doyle whispered to me, his eyes following her as she moved
along the beach.

"I know." I watched as Cordelia stopped to hug a small child. "She loves
you too."

Doyle nodded stiffly, his body tense beside me as Cordelia moved closer
to us again. She stopped at Keidan, leaning forward to place a kiss on
his cheek. He patted her head, smiling fondly at her as she moved on to
Reiff.

The young man reached out, taking her hand and kissing it lightly. She
smiled, her eyes bright as she whispered something in his ear that made
his skin flush. Then she turned to Bydel, her face dropping all pretense
at bravery as she met the older woman's eyes.

Bydel stepped forward, folding Cordelia tightly in her arms. I watched
as Cordelia sagged against her, letting Bydel support her. Bydel was
murmuring in Cordelia's ear, her hands running soothingly over her back.
Cordelia nodded, pulling away and smiling at Bydel. "Thank you," she
whispered softly, her shoulders shaking as she turned away and faced a
sobbing Belina.

I watched as she dropped to her knees and wrapped the little girl in her
arms. "Don't cry," she told her, even though I could hear the tears in
her own voice. "I'll be back. I promise."

Bydel placed her hands on Beli's shoulders as Cordelia rose to her feet
and walked back to us, to Doyle. "I..." Her voice broke and she quickly
brought her hands up to cover her face. I wanted to step forward; to
take her in my arms and comfort her, but now wasn't the time. I could
only watch as Doyle reached out with a shaking hand and cupped her
cheek. Cordelia took a deep breath as she pressed her face into his
palm, then nodded once before turning and placing a kiss on the palm of
his hand. "I'll write," she whispered, then pulled away and ran towards
the small boat that was beached on the shore. Doyle's hand fell slowly
to his side, his fingers clenched into a tight fist, as if he could hold
her kiss inside it.

I faced him then, the best friend I've ever had. I didn't know what to
tell him. But once again Doyle made the sacrifice and spoke first.
"Take care of her?"

"You know I will." I answered, stepping forward and pulling him into a
tight hug. "And you take care of yourself."

"I'll have to." Doyle said, releasing me. "Or else she'll come back and
throw another one of those punches at me."

I smiled, stepping back from him. I looked over the beach, at the
people, who, even now were moving closer, ready to comfort Doyle. Then I
looked back at my friend.

"Go." He ordered, his voice catching slightly. "I'll be okay."

I nodded, turning around and walking in the direction of the boat.
Cordelia was huddled in the corner, her face buried in her lap. She
looked up when I settled in the boat, her face slick with tears. I
reached over, smoothing her damp hair off her face. "He'll be okay." I
whispered, trying to console her.

She just nodded, her eyes searching the darkness until she found Doyle.
He was standing on the edge of the water, his hand lifted in a half
wave. She lifted her hand in reply, her eyes never wavering until we
were out of sight of the island.

~*~*~*~*~
Cordelia--


Some times at night I wake up suddenly and wonder if we did the right
thing. Maybe there had been some other answer, something that included
Doyle being in my life on a daily basis.

There wasn't. I know that. But at night, when I'd give anything if he
were close enough to touch, I wonder. The rest of the time, I'm just
happy he's alive. That he's out there, and someday, when he's ready,
I'll see him again.

It's not like I'm going to be bored while I'm waiting. Between classes
and the evil, I don't have time to be. And even if we get some down
time, there are things to do. Friends to be with.

Wesley to torture.

I looked up from my desk just as Wesley finished his critic on my very
first college term paper. It's a little surprising actually, with all
the education Wesley has, I thought he'd be a little tougher than to
point out my grammar mistakes. Still...

I fixed my best Cordelia Chase glare, waiting as he folded under it,
tripping over his words in an effort to fix things. Angel wandered out
of his office, his eyes chiding me as he caught sight of Wesley.

I widened my eyes, making sure my voice was full of righteous outrage as
I spoke. "Just so you know Angel, I'm planning on murdering Wesley. I'm
not sure exactly when, but I will do it."

Angel shook his head, looking over at Wesley. "I warned you against
actually critiquing it."

"I didn't." Wesley argued.

"I thought it was wonderful." Angel offered, smiling at Wesley's snort
of disgust as he turned to me.

Wesley frowned, his voice frighteningly proper as he defended himself.
"I didn't say it wasn't wonderful. I simply pointed out a few
grammatical errors. I hardly think that's grounds for murder."

"Excuse me for focusing more on the content." I bit back, barely able to
contain my smile.

"I give up." Wesley threw up his hands, walking over to the coffee pot
and pouring himself a cup. He sniffed it gingerly before taking a
tentative sip. Making a face, he set the cup on the table and backed
away from it. "I'm going out for coffee."

"Bye." I muttered; my attention focused back on the paper in front of
me. "It's scary how easy it is to get a rise out of him." I said when
the door shut behind him. I looked up, smiling at Angel. "I wish Doyle
could meet him."

"Maybe someday." He offered, walking over to stand behind me. "What are
you doing?"

I held up the paper, showing him the few words I had written on it.
"Dear Doyle." He read.

I know it sounds stupid, and formal. But just Doyle sounds wrong, and if
I write something sappy it'll be like putting too much pressure on him.
I don't want to do that. I just want to share my life with him in any
way I can, even if it's through the mail. Even if he never writes back.
"Is that stupid?" I asked, chewing on the end of my pen as I studied it.
"Maybe I should just say 'Doyle' or maybe..."

"Dear Doyle is fine." Angel said firmly. "Anything you write will be
fine with him."

I wish. But I don't think it's that simple. "I'm not looking for fine
Angel, I'm looking for the realization that he wants his life to be with
me. That he deserves to be with me. I'd settle him thinking that he
deserves his life."

Angel squeezed my shoulder. "He'll get it Cordy. He just needs..."

"Time." I interrupted, smiling ruefully up at him. "I know."

"So just write whatever you want. It won't be wrong."

"Whatever I want?" I repeated, bending over the sheet of paper, trying
to think of the perfect first sentence.

Who knew writing a letter could be so hard?

But it's the first one, and it sets the tone for everything that comes
afterward. I can't help thinking that if I write this one wrong, he'll
never read another.

"This is hard. I thought writing you would be easy, but it isn't.
There's so much I want to say, and I can't find the right words. Or
maybe, I've already said them to your face and saying them again is just
putting pressure on you.

"So I'll start with the easy stuff. How are you? How are the kids? I'm
writing to Bydel so I won't ask how Beli is. Angel and I have put
together a package for the kids. There's some extra art supplies for
Beli in there, can you make sure she gets them?

"There's also some books for you to read to your class. Angel put in the
classics, I went with the best seller lists. You can't always read stuff
that expands your mind. Sometimes the best books are just for fun. I did
put my favorite books when I was a kid in. 'The Velveteen Rabbit,'
'Black Beauty,' 'The Little Prince.' I'll send more next time.

"My classes are almost done for the semester. I think I passed in spite
of my little vacation. It's much easier to do well in class when you're
not trying to keep your popularity.

I paused, realizing I had a smile on my face. I felt closer to him
already, which was odd, because maybe he wouldn't even write back. Maybe
he was right, and I was chasing after a fairy tale ending that I could
never have.

No. I shook my head, pushing the thought away. I wasn't after the fairy
tale. I didn't expect a happy ever after ending. I didn't want an ending
at all; I wanted the never ending story.

This was just one part of it.

There would be more, maybe happy, maybe sad.

But there would be more.


~*~*~*~*~

Doyle-

I still look for them. They've been gone for almost a month now, but
somehow I still expect to see Cordy waiting outside the school for Beli,
or for Angel to show up at my door, wanting to go walking in the woods.

Two months ago, if anyone had asked me if I ever wanted to see them
again, I would have said no. Now, I have seen them again, and as much as
it hurts, I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world.

"Mr. Doyle?" Beli stood at the edge of my desk, her fingers laced
tightly together.

"Yes?" I asked, schooling my face to be stern. She was supposed to be
doing her arithmetic.

"Isn't it time for reading?" She asked, her question echoed by the other
children in the classroom.

I frowned at her, attempting to be fierce, but she just giggled. "Fine."
I growled playfully at her. "Pull your desks around."

We'd started the reading hour when Cordy and Angel's first package
arrived, loaded down with books for the children. They each took a turn
reading a section aloud. I wasn't sure which one they were reading at
the moment, I always needed Beli to point out where they were in the
book when it was my turn.

But they loved it, pulling their chairs into a semi-circle around my
desk every afternoon to read a few chapters. I loved it too, not because
of the books, but because of the letter I could read and reread every
afternoon as they read the books.

I held the worn pages in trembling fingers, my heart pounding as rapidly
as it had the first time I opened the letter. Her words jumped from the
page, making me feel as if she was close enough for me to touch.

"I'm not taking any summer classes though. Things are really busy here,
evil-wise; I'm single-handedly keeping Excedrin in business. But we're
saving people, and I guess that's the important thing. Of course, none
of my visions ever bring us paying clients.

"Angel keeps saying that we don't need money to do what we do, but you
and I know how wrong he is. It's a sad truth (funny that I think it's
sad, I used to think it was wonderful when I had it.) but you need money
in this world, even if your only purpose is to help the helpless. I used
your argument again; I wish you were here to do it for me. He always
listens to you. Probably because I spend so much time on frivolous
things that he cares nothing for.

"It's okay though, because I can share them with you, and I can close my
eyes and picture you reading my letter, with a smile on your face, and
maybe when you're done reading it, you'll set it down and look up at the
sky, and think of me. And if you do Doyle, please know that I'm thinking
of you too.

"I've found you now, and I'm not letting go.

"Love,

Cordelia"


I leaned my head back, staring through the slats in the roof at the sky
beyond. Maybe, just maybe, she was staring up at the same moment. I
smiled briefly at the thought of it.

I sighed, setting the paper on the desk as Beli nudged me. "It's your
turn." She whispered loudly. "I read some of it for you, but you always
read the endings. We want to know if the little prince ever came back."

I smiled, taking the book from her hand and following her finger to the
paragraph she was pointing out. Taking a deep breath I began to read.
"Look at it carefully so that you will be sure to recognize it in case
you travel some day to the African desert. And, if you should come upon
this spot, please do not hurry on. Wait for a time, exactly under the
star. Then, if a little man appears who laughs, who has golden hair and
who refuses to answer questions, you will know who he is. If this should
happen, please comfort me. Send me word that he has come back."

"Do you think he ever did come back?" Beli asked softly.

I looked up at the sky again, and then down at the paper on my desk.
"You know what Beli? I think that eventually he did."


~fin