Title: Almost a Very Good Life 20-23
Author: Andrea
Disclaimer: All characters in this fic are the property of Joss Whedon,
Mutant Enemy, Fox, and  the WB. They are not mine. Oh, and the name for
the half demons on the island with Doyle came from the brilliant
Christine.
Spoilers: Hero, and the things that happen in 'Parting Gifts.' It's not
the same as the show though. Okay, that didn't make a lot of sense, but
hopefully it will after you read it.
Distribution: Sure, just let me know.
Feedback: Please? Good, bad, anything.
Summary: Yet another bring Doyle back fic.
Dedicated to Christine, for all her help with this, and for lots more.

~*~*~*~*~

Angel-


Cordelia was silent after Doyle left; her body slumped tiredly into
mine. I wrapped one arm around her, pushing back the damp hair from her
forehead. She groaned softly, pushing her body upright and looking at
me. "He wasn't supposed to find out."

"It was only a matter of time." I answered her gently. "There wasn't any
way you could have kept it from him forever."

"I know." She agreed, biting down on her lower lip. Her teeth flashed in
the firelight as she fought back tears. "I just wanted...I wanted it to
be when he was better. When he wasn't hiding."

"I know." I soothed her, rubbing small circles over her back. To be
truthful, I had wanted that too. It seemed like too much to for Doyle to
handle right now, in light of everything he was still struggling with.
But now, after seeing his face when he ran to Cordelia, the pain in his
eyes when he left again, I didn't know what the right thing was supposed
to have been. Would it have been easier on him if we warned him before
it happened? If he hadn't seen her suffering the same pain that had
tormented him? "He's going to be fine."

"I don't think so." She answered flatly, turning away from me to stare
into the fire. "The longer we're here, the less I believe that he's ever
going to be fine."

"It just takes time." I whispered.

Cordelia nodded, leaning her head to rest on my shoulder. When she spoke
again, her voice was so low I could barely understand her. "Maybe we
don't have enough time Angel."

I closed my eyes, tilting my head until it rested on hers. She was
right, and at some point we were going to have to talk about it, but not
tonight. Tonight we had to find out what her vision meant, and who we
had to save.

"Belina's gone." Doyle said flatly, the worry so obvious in his eyes
hidden from his voice.

Cordelia looked up, her hand flying to her mouth as she stared at him.
"There was a cave...in my vision..."

"Did you see anything that could tell you where the cave is?" I asked
her gently, leaning close to her and pushing the hair off her face.
Doyle stiffened, his eyes narrowing as he watched us. I could feel anger
and fear rolling off him in waves. I frowned at him, understanding the
fear, but not the anger.

"It was dark, and damp. There was water... I didn't see Belina there."
Cordelia mumbled, rubbing her hand across her face. She stilled then,
her face flushing with guilt as she spoke. "Oh God, her place."

"Whose place?" I asked softly, feeling Doyle move closer to us.

"Beli's place. I...I went for a walk last week. And I found this spot,
and Beli appeared. She said it was her secret place. I was going to tell
her parents, but she promised she would." She paused, her eyes welling
with tears as she looked at me. "But I forgot to make sure she did. I
was...I was..."

"It's okay." I soothed her, pulling back from her and standing. "But we
need to go there."

She nodded her eyes teary as she looked to Doyle. "We'll find her." She
said, her voice struggling for confidence.

"No thanks to you." Doyle replied coldly as he turned away from us and
walked to where the others were gathered. Cordelia whimpered, her
fingers digging into my arm as she stood.

"What did I do?" She whispered. "What if she gets hurt? It's my fault."

"It's not your fault." I corrected her, taking her hand and leading her
towards the others. "And we will find her."

Cordelia was quiet as we joined the others, standing silently at my side
as I told them that I would start the search immediately.

"I'm going with you." Reiff said, his voice firm.

"No." I shook my head. "You should be with your parents."

"I'm going." Doyle said, stepping up to stand beside me. He reached out,
taking Reiff's hand in his. "And I'll bring her home."

Reiff nodded his shoulders relaxing slightly at Doyle's words. Cordelia
let go of my hand, moving to stand with Reiff and his parents, her words
to them soft and reassuring. I couldn't make out exactly what she was
saying, but from the look on their faces, she was doing a good job of
calming them.

Doyle watched her also, his face frightening in its anger. I reached
out, touching his shoulder tentatively. He tensed, spinning around to
face me. "She got the visions." He ground out, his eyes flashing with
fury. "You should have told me."

"We couldn't." I whispered. "She knew you would feel guilty about it."

Doyle laughed bitterly, the sound echoing through the somber crowd.
"Saint Cordelia strikes again. Tell me, how did she manage to become
such a do-gooder in such a short amount of time?" The words flew out of
his mouth on a wave of bitterness, his face contorted with rage.

"She's always been good." I answered slowly. "And you used to know
that."

"Right. She was perfect. Except for her hatred of all things demon and
her pesky little superiority complex."

I shook my head, my face growing hard as I replied. "Cordelia's not the
one who hates demons." I paused, counting slowly to ten to calm myself.
He shifted, his eyes darting across the ground to land on Cordelia. His
face tightened, the anger on it growing. I reached out, grabbing his
hand and turning him back to me. "She isn't the one who hates demons," I
repeated, "you are."

He pulled away from me angrily, stalking over to where Cordelia was
talking with some people, pulling her a short distance away from them. I
followed him, my stomach tight with anxiety. His hand was gripping her
arm tightly as he spun her around to face him. I sped up, trying to
close the distance between us before he spoke.

"You knew." He accused her, the rage rolling in waves through his voice.
"You knew that a little girl was going to a place in the woods all
alone. You knew that it was dangerous. You knew that she could get hurt.
You knew all of that, and you did nothing."

Cordelia paled, her dark eyes growing wide with hurt as he spoke.
"Doyle..." She whispered helplessly.

"Don't." He ordered her, his fist tightening around her arm. "I guess
you just figured it wouldn't make much difference if one little girl
never came home again. After all, she's just a demon, just a monster.
Not anything that deserves life. It's not like her parents would mourn,
and who really cares if they do? It's not like they're worth anything
either. Just a couple of demons who haven't had the decency to lay down
and die yet."

Cordelia didn't say a word when he finished, tears spilling rapidly down
her white face as she stared at him. I reached her finally, not looking
at Doyle as I laid a comforting arm around her shoulders. She started
when I did, seeming to come out of the trance his words had put her in.
Her tears slowed, but her body remained rigid under my arm. I looked
over at Doyle, knowing the anger I felt would show on my face. "You're
wrong." I told him harshly, swinging Cordelia around and hugging her to
my chest. He didn't flinch, his eyes meeting mine easily, the anger
still flashing brightly in them.

Cordelia pulled away from me, lifting her eyes to mine. The emptiness in
them surprised me. I expected tears, or screaming, even silent rage,
anything but watching her absorb the blow Doyle had dealt her in
silence. It was too like something I would have done for me to be
comfortable with. "Cordelia?" I whispered carefully.

She moved slowly, walking away from the two of us and heading into
Keidan's home. I turned to Doyle again, my calm expression fading as I
looked at him. "How could you?"

"She knew." Doyle bit back viciously. "She knew that Beli was going out
into the woods alone."

"And you didn't." I took a step closer to him, shoving my hands deep
into my pockets to keep from shaking him. "You're close to her, she
adores you, and you didn't know that she went off alone. You didn't know
that she even had a secret place."

Doyle was silent for a moment, his shoulders seeming to collapse on his
body. "I should have."

I shook my head, closing my eyes in frustration. "No. That's not what I
meant. It's not your fault, and it's not Cordelia's fault either. This
isn't about blame, or what-ifs. It's about what is. It's about finding
Belina." I opened my eyes again and stared at him. "And you won't be any
help to me if you're too busy being mad at Cordelia."

Doyle stared back silently, the anger in his eyes fading slightly. He
opened his mouth, but whatever he was going to say was lost when
Cordelia reappeared beside me. She turned to me, very carefully avoiding
looking at Doyle. Her eyes held mine as her hand slide into the pocket
of her shorts. I think I knew what she was doing even before I saw the
glint of metal in her hand as she pulled it free of the pocket. Doyle
gasped, the sound strangled in his throat. I couldn't look at him as
Cordelia took my hand and slipped the ring over my finger. I looked down
at it, then back at her, shaking my head.

"Don't Angel." She threatened me. Her voice was low, and deadly. "If you
say one thing about redemption..." She stopped, exhaling loudly. I
noticed her hands then, the violent shaking that consumed them as she
tried to pretend she was calm. I reached out, enfolding both of her
hands in one of mine as she continued. "This is about a Beli." She met
my eyes, letting me see the pain she was in for a split second before
she covered it again. "And we can't be sure we'll find her before dawn."

"I can find a cave." I argued weakly already knowing I would give in to
her.

"Stop it." Her voice cracked, betraying the stress she was under. "If
you say one more thing, I swear I'll shave every strand of your precious
hair from your head."

Doyle laughed shortly at her words, his expression calm as he moved
towards us. She didn't see him approach; she was too intent on my
reassurance that I would wear the ring. I turned to Doyle, waiting for
his reaction to my wearing it. He nodded shortly, giving me his
approval. Cordelia's eyes darkened as I mimicked his nod. "I'll wear
it." I said shortly, letting go of her hands as Doyle reached us.

Cordelia's lips tightened as she turned away from us, moving quickly
back to the waiting crowd. Her voice was clipped, but still somehow
gentle as she addressed them. "Doyle, Angel and I are going."

A murmur rose through the crowd as Bydel stepped forward, her face drawn
with fear. "She's my baby."

Cordelia nodded her head as her eyes welled with tears. She reached out,
taking Bydel's hand in her own. "And we're going to bring her back to
you." She vowed, her voice hard with determination. She turned to me,
grabbing my hand as she led me towards the forest. I could feel Doyle
behind us, his steps light as he followed in our path.

When we reached the edge of the woods, Doyle caught up with us, the red
of his eyes glowing in the soft light of the moon. I stopped, turning to
face him.

"We don't need her to come." Doyle said, not looking at Cordelia as he
spoke. Her hand tightened around mine as she waited for my answer.

"She knows where Belina's place is." I answered, my jaw tightening with
anger.

"We can find it." Doyle insisted. "Isn't that what you were trying to
tell me last week? We can do things humans can't."

"I'm coming." Cordelia said firmly, lifting her head to stare at Doyle.

"Feeling guilty?" Doyle inquired bitterly.

"Yes." She replied bluntly. "I was wrong not to tell them about Belina
right away. I made a mistake. And now I'm going to fix it."

"Like you're trying to fix things with me?" Doyle asked.

"How dare you?" Cordelia said, the sadness fading from her eyes. She let
go of my hand, stepping forward until she was inches from Doyle. "How
dare you judge me. You don't even know me. You never knew me."

"I know you too well princess." Doyle replied angrily.

"You don't know anything." Cordelia whispered. "You just want a
scapegoat. Someone to blame for everything that happened to you." She
took a deep breath, her eyes burning into him as she continued. "And you
picked me."

"Cordelia." I murmured, moving forward to join them. "This isn't the
time."

She stilled, nodding her head slowly. "You're right." She paused, not
taking her eyes from Doyle as she continued. "The sad thing is; if I
thought it was helping you to blame me, I'd let you. But it isn't. It's
just an excuse, and I won't be your excuse." Grabbing my hand she spun
around, dragging me along with her into the forest. I didn't look back
to see if Doyle was following. I knew he would, and just now, I didn't
want to see his face.


~*~*~*~*~

Doyle--


One thing I've loved about Cordelia, from the first moment I met her, is
her ability to cut through all the crap most people spend all their
lives talking about. She never had time for the lies and half-truths
that the rest of the world seems so dependent on. Some of the things she
said could hurt, but I learned quickly to never just dismiss them as
meaningless.

I wish I could now.

Because she's right.

I am using her. It all seemed so simple when I could just say that I was
protecting her. I didn't have to face anything, because I was still
being the hero, saving the damsel from the monster who stole her
friend's face. Except the monster is me, and the damsel doesn't want to
be saved. Kinda puts a crimp in the whole hero thing I've got going.

If I've got even an ounce of hero left. I'm thinking the part where I
blamed her for Belina's disappearance finished that off. I know I have
to tell her I was wrong, but I can't do it now. Not with Belina gone.
Not with this fear that's choking me.

And definitely not until I've got a brilliant explanation for why I've
spent so much time pushing her away. Plus, there's the little part about
how I managed to convince myself that she was so shallow that she
couldn't accept what happened to me. Because she'll ask how and why, and
after tonight, she's not going to let me get away with not answering.

I can't think about it now though. Now we have to find Belina and bring
her home. It's funny how right this feels, the three of us working
together again, a team, for one last time. In spite of the fear, I know
this will be okay. I know we won't fail Belina. We can't.

"Doyle?" Angel's voice cut into my thoughts, and I looked up from the
forest floor to meet his eyes. "Cordelia thinks it's this way. She said
there's water there, a pond. Can you smell it?" His face is calm, but I
know he's still angry with me for my treatment of Cordelia. Even so, he
knows it's hard for me to admit to any of the demon strengths,
especially around her.

I slid my eyes towards her, unable to stop myself from searching her
face for signs of disgust. She met my gaze easily, the hardness in her
eyes softening slightly. "Please Doyle."

I closed my eyes, feeling the warmth of her voice rush over me.
Breathing in deeply I searched the air. When I opened them again, I
pointed in the direction Cordy had wanted to go. "It's this way."

Angel nodded, a small smile forming on his lips as he turned to go. I
followed closer to them now, the three of us settling into a row, with
Cordy as our center. No one spoke; I think we were all listening for
screams. Or all praying that we didn't hear any.

"I think it's through there." Cordelia said, stopping quickly and
pointing to a cluster of trees. I stumbled, trying to keep my balance
without touching her.

I looked in the direction she was pointing, and saw the faint
disturbances that marked the path. Angel led the way, pushing branches
to the side so they wouldn't hit Cordelia. As we entered the small
clearing, I scanned the surroundings with Angel, both of us searching
for signs Cordy wouldn't be able to see. It was still, too still. The
water lapped gently against the sides of the rocks as we made our way
towards the caves.

"She has to be there." Cordelia murmured, talking more to herself than
either of us.

"She will be." I answered anyway, wanting to make at least a small step
towards apologizing for my anger.

She nodded slightly, barely acknowledging my words as she looked to
Angel for guidance.

"Wait here." Angel ordered as he carefully made his way along the narrow
rock that led to the largest cave. Cordelia bit her lip as she watched
him, her shoulders shaking slightly. I reached out, taking her hand in
mine as we waited for him to reach the opening to the cave. She tensed,
wrenching her hand away from mine. I let my hand swing back limply to my
side, watching as Angel swung himself across the rock face and into the
mouth of the cave.

"How could Beli have done that?" Cordelia whispered brokenly, her face
downcast as she turned to face me.

"She's a monkey." I answered calmly, trying to reassure myself as well
as her. If Beli wasn't here... "She probably had an easier time than
Angel."

"I can't just wait. I'm going." Cordelia said, pulling her hand from
mine and stepping quickly out onto the narrow rock.

"No." I chased after her, grabbing onto her arm. "You won't make it."

"He might need our help." Cordelia answered firmly.

"Then I'll go." I said, lifting her up and setting her down behind me. I
stepped out onto the rock before I realized that I was using my demon
strength in front of her. It took every ounce of the courage that I've
never really possessed to keep myself from looking back. To keep myself
for searching her eyes for the disgust that even now, I find it hard to
believe she doesn't feel.

I feel it though. It's like a living thing inside of me. I swallowed
back my revulsion as one spike caught on a small rough ledge, tearing
free of my skin and sending blood trickling down my face. I watched the
spike, caught, dangling from the rock for a moment before falling
through the night air to settle gently on the surface of the water.
Freeing one hand, I wiped the blood from my cheek, already feeling the
skin closing around the beginnings of a new spike.

This is what I hate. The difference. The knowledge that once upon a
time, I would have bled, and a scab would have formed, and then, after a
few weeks, fallen off. And maybe, just maybe, there would have been a
scar to show that I had suffered. Now, within hours, there won't be any
sign that I was ever injured.

I want the sign.

And I can't have it.

So, I continued to creep along the rock, careful now to keep my face
tilted away from the roughness. Throwing one leg higher into the air
than I ever could as a human, I pulled myself into the cave. Crawling to
my feet, I took off after Angel, concentrating only on moving as
quickly, and quietly as I could.

He was waiting just around the corner, his finger pressed against his
lips as he met my eyes. I nodded my understanding as we made our way
deeper into the cave. I could see a faint light in the distance, and I
prayed it was a fire. Angel saw it too, and our pace quickened.

A smell assaulted me as we neared the light, and I hesitated, sniffing
the air a little deeper. A smile spread over my face as Beli's distinct
smell floated towards me mixed with an unfamiliar one.

"She's here." I whispered. Angel only nodded, his face hardening as he
closed in on her location.

The cave opened up then, the walls spreading out into an oval shape. A
fire was lit in the center of a circle of rocks, Belina sitting quietly
to one side of it, her tiny feet kicking gently at the side of a rock. I
stepped forward, but Angel's hand caught me, pulling me back. He shook
his head, motioning to the other side of the fire and the creatures
standing there. They hadn't noticed us, their heads tilted together as
they talked quietly. "Do you recognize them?" I asked Angel in a low
whisper. The demons were large, broader and taller than Angel was. I
felt a sudden rush of fear shoot through my stomach as I waited for
Angel to answer.

Angel frowned, nodding slightly. "They look like Kawaii." He sounded
puzzled. "They've got the light green leathery skin, they've got the
second mouth, they've got the ridges. They've got to be Kawaii." He
spoke like he was trying to convince himself.

"But..." I pressed him, my eyes moving away from them and back to
Belina. She was watching the other demons too, her small features
showing no hint of fear.

"But they aren't violent." Angel whispered. "According to everything
I've seen or read, they abhor violence, for any reason."

"But they like little kids?" I asked in an angry whisper. "Aren't the
two mutually exclusive?"

"I don't get it." Angel murmured, shaking his head. He took a step
forward, coming into the light of the fire. I followed him closely, my
fists clenched tightly at my sides.

The demons froze, their pale green skin turning a bright yellow. I
growled, moving quicker as we crossed the cave to them, putting my body
in the path from them to Belina. "Angel here tells me you aren't into
bloodshed." I offered as I reached Belina, blocking her with my body.
"What he didn't tell me was whether or not you thought kidnapping small
children was a violent act."

"We did not kidnap your young one." The taller of the two demons
answered quickly. "She came of her own free will."

Angel frowned again, his features still human as he stopped in front of
the demons. He opened his mouth to speak and then stopped, looking down
at a pile of cloth lying at the feet of the two demons. He looked up
again, his gaze questioning.

"Our sister." The demon whispered. "She is ill. We cannot help her." His
voice broke slightly as he knelt beside her, pulling the blankets back
to reveal her face.

Angel's face tightened as he looked down. "What happened?" He asked
quietly.

"The Scourge came. They killed our people. We were the only three to
escape." The second demon answered, his eyes shining with hatred as he
stepped closer to Angel. "We did not fight." His eyes drifted to his
brother as he continued. "We should have fought."

The other demon turned away, his face dull with remembered loss. "Manj,
it isn't our way. We cannot change who we are because of them." He spoke
the words as if he had spoken them a thousand times before, and fully
expected to speak them a thousand times again. I watched his brother's
eyes as he turned away, recognizing the anger and rage that prevented
him from hearing.

I turned to Angel, expecting him to interject before the argument
continued, but he remained silent, his forehead tightened. I turned
away, back to the demons. "We've fought our own battles with the
Scourge." My stomach clenched as I flashed back to the night of my
death. I pushed it away, refusing to get lost in the memories. "And I
can tell you fighting wouldn't have changed anything. They're strong,
and they don't give up."

"You have faced the Scourge?" The angry one, Manj, turned to me, the
yellow of his face flashing brightly in the firelight. "You live. Your
young one lives. Our young are all dead."

"I didn't live." I whispered. "Not all of me." Angel winced, his eyes
meeting mine. I shook off the worry in his eyes and continued. "We
didn't win. We escaped."

The other demon turned to me then, his eyes brightening. "To this
island? Do you know of the prophecy?"

I shook my head, looking to Angel again. "No." It figured; there had to
be a prophecy. Just once I would like to meet a demon race who didn't
even have a word for prophecies. Of course, I could be a little bitter,
the last prophecy I came across ended with me losing my humanity.

"What prophecy?" Angel asked.

"The prophecy that led us here. That promised us safety on this island."
He answered. "The prophecy that tells us that we will meet the downfall
of the Scourge here." He looked like he was planning on continuing, but
was interrupted by the sound of footsteps racing down towards us.

Angel tensed, stepping forward so that he was in front of us. I took a
step after him, my heartbeat quickening. I lifted my head, sniffing the
air for some hint of what was coming, and then quickly lowered it,
dropping my chin to the ground as Angel stepped forward to greet her. "I
thought you were staying outside?" He asked.

"I was." Cordelia answered sharply, limping into sight. Her shirt was
torn and blood dripped slowly down one leg. She only had one shoe on,
and her ankle was obviously swollen. "But you took too long, so I
somehow forgot that I don't do the physical part of all this, and came
in after you."

"Are you okay?" Angel questioned, his eyes settling on the blood.

"Fine. And stop looking at my knee, I happen to know you have a full
cooler of blood back at the village." She muttered, as she ripped the
remaining sleeve from her shirt and tied it around her knee. She looked
up when she was finished, a self-conscious smile on her lips. "I don't
have your climbing skills." She looked away from Angel, her eyes
traveling over the cavern. She let out a soft sigh when she saw Belina,
her shoulders slumping slightly in relief. She took a faltering step
forward and stopped again when she caught sight of the two demons. "Uh,
guys? I thought we were supposed to be fighting?"

"They aren't evil." Angel answered. "They were attacked by the Scourge.
Only three of them escaped."

Cordelia turned back to the demons, her eyes searching the dim light for
the third demon.

"It's our sister, Sabi." Manj offered, pointing to the ground in front
of him. "She is dying."

Cordelia nodded slowly, her eyes wide. "Because of the Scourge?"

"We don't know." He answered brokenly. "She became ill shortly after our
arrival."

"Oh." She nodded, hobbling slowly past Angel, not once looking in my
direction.  I moved towards her unconsciously, wanting to help her, but
Angel shook his head slightly. I nodded, dropping my head as Angel
followed her towards Belina. She stopped a few feet from the little
girl, her voice gentle as she spoke. "Beli? Are you okay? We were
worried."

"Yes." Beli answered timidly, her eyes welling up with tears. "I'm
sorry."

Cordelia shook her head, opening her arms wide. "It's okay." She smiled
at her, her own eyes bright with tears. Beli clambered off the rock,
flinging herself across the cave and into Cordy's arms. I watched them,
wishing I was the one holding Beli. Wishing I was the one holding Cordy.

Cordelia hugged Beli tightly for a minute before settling her on her
hip. Beli's legs dangled almost to Cordelia's knees as they turned back
to us.

"So, you're telling me that they," Cordelia expression was all business
again, the tears tracks on her face the only reminder of her fear as she
motioned towards the two demons, "aren't evil, and they're only here
because the Scourge, and I'm not even going to go into how much I hate
that word, were after them?"

"That about sums it up." I answered, shrugging my shoulders.

"Really?" Cordelia asked, her eyes narrowing suspiciously. "And how
exactly did they explain Belina being in this cave with them? Another
coincidence? Cause there seem to be quite a few at work here."

"Belina followed them in." Angel replied, smiling apologetically at the
two demons.

Cordelia frowned, turning back to face Belina. "You promised me that you
wouldn't ever go in the caves." The little girl flushed, burrowing her
head into Cordy's shoulder. "And you promised me that you would tell
your parents."

"I'm sorry." Belina mumbled. "I wanted to keep my secret place secret."

Cordelia pursed her lips, shaking her head. "But you could have been
hurt."

"I know." Belina wailed, her breath coming in choking gasps. "I was
bad."

Cordelia softened, her eyes shining with tears once again as she leaned
forward to kiss Belina's cheek. "It's okay Beli. It's okay now."

Beli clung to her tightly, her sniffles echoing in the damp cave.
Cordelia ran one hand over the small back as she turned to Angel. "What
do we do now?"

Angel frowned, shifting slightly. "I don't know." He turned to me, and
asked. "Would the Javaran object if we brought them to the village?"

I shook my head. "I don't think so, but I'm not sure."

"Well we have to do something." Cordelia said. "We can't just leave her
here to die."

"We might not be able to do anything." Angel replied softly.

Cordelia shook her head stubbornly. "That doesn't make any sense. I
don't get visions of people we aren't supposed to save."

"We did save Belina." I offered.

"She wasn't ever in any danger." Cordelia argued, still not looking in
my direction. She moved forward, obviously favoring her left ankle as
she stepped closer to Angel. "It makes sense now, doesn't it? We're
supposed to help them. They're the ones in trouble."

The demons had been listening quietly, but now decided to join the
conversation again. "You are the warriors? They spoke of you in the
prophecy."

"What prophecy?" Cordelia asked sharply.

"You protect others from the Scourge."

"We protected one group from them." Cordelia said flatly. "And we almost
lost Doyle because of it." She turned to me then, her gaze angry, almost
daring me to argue with her. I didn't, there wasn't any way I was
getting into that discussion when her eyes were flashing that
dangerously. "And Angel's our only warrior."

"But you fought the Scourge and won. You didn't lose most of your
family." The other demon put in, his long face pulled even longer with
sorrow.

"No. We lost a third of it. And that was enough." Cordelia murmured
quietly, her chin trembling slightly as she stared at me. She shook her
head, pushing the loss from her face as she turned back to the demons.
"What have you heard?"

"That there was a group of warriors who brought safety from the Scourge.
That this island was a haven for anyone not pure blooded. That you would
defend us to the death." The demon's eyes were lit with some inner fire
as he stared at us. "You are them." He whispered reverently. "You are
the ones."

Cordelia snorted, burying her face in Belina's hair. Angel shook his
head, denying the demons words. "We aren't the ones."

"Then why did you find us?" He asked.

"Because I had a vision." Cordelia answered impatiently and then shook
her head. "No way. If it weren't for Belina being missing, we'd never
have found you. Do you have any idea how many caves there are on this
island?"

"Hundreds." He answered. "And we considered them all. But this one
seemed like the best choice. This cave, that is near the secret place of
your young one."

"And I'm supposed to believe that leads to the conclusion that we're
your warriors?" Cordelia asked. "Please. That's a little weak." She
swallowed hard, looking at me for back up. I shook my head, not knowing
the first thing to say to her. What they were saying made sense, to me
at least. I swung my head around, catching a glimpse of Angel. He stood
silently, his brow furrowed as he watched the two of us. He caught me
looking and tilted his head slightly.

"What are you thinking?" I asked him softly.

"That maybe they're right." He whispered, smiling gently at Cordelia.
Her eyes widened as she shook her head. "Cordelia..."

"Angel." She answered, desperately. "It's one thing to face them once.
We were lucky." She looked over at me. "But we won't be that lucky
again." Angel stepped closer to her and she backed away slightly, coming
closer to me. She shook her head again, her fingers gripping Beli
tightly. "No. I won't do it."

"I don't think we have a choice." Angel replied.

"I won't do it." She repeated stubbornly. "It's one thing being the
messenger to you, it's a whole other thing to be the messenger against
the Scourge."

I cleared my throat, stepping up so that I was directly beside her. "I
don't think that's what's going on here."

She swung around to me, her face falling in relief. "You don't?"

"No." I exhaled slowly, trying to slow the instant increase in my heart
rate at her nearness. "I think the PTB just wanted you to know that it's
not over. That the Scourge isn't gone, and you're going to have to know
what to do, where to send...the survivors."

"Huh?"

Angel nodded, his face lightening as he moved to stand directly in front
of Cordelia. "You think they just wanted us to know that we have to be
prepared to face them again?"

"Yup." I answered, almost smiling when the panic in Cordelia's eyes
faded. "I don't think you have to chase the globe looking for them."

"Good." Cordelia whispered. She dropped her head for a minute, and then
looked up again. "I'm sorry Angel. It's not that I don't want to
help..."

"I know." He consoled her, reaching out to run his hand through her
hair. I watched them, my eyes narrowing slightly as she wrapped her free
arm around him. He pulled her tighter, squeezing Beli in the middle.

I turned away, closing my eyes against the image of them. "We should get
back."

Angel nodded, pulling away from Cordelia and walking over to the
blanketed body on the floor. He picked her up gently, smiling at the two
worried demons. "We'll help her." He promised them as he headed to the
entrance.

Cordelia shifted Beli's weight, taking one step forward before
stumbling. She winced, regaining her footing. "I can't carry her." She
admitted reluctantly.

Beli squirmed, pulling out of Cordy's arms. "It's okay. I can walk." She
scampered ahead; catching up easily to Angel and her two new friends.

I walked over to Cordelia, waiting silently for her to start walking.
She took one step before stopping again. She let out a shaky breath
before starting again. Her foot had barely touched the ground before she
pulled it back up, whimpering softly. "It hurts." She whispered,
refusing to look at me.

I closed my eyes, the soft vulnerability of her voice tearing through
me. I took a step towards her, knowing I have to offer to help her, but
terrified of what touching her would do to me. "What can I do?" I asked
finally, knowing already by the hurt in her eyes that I had waited too
long.

She shook her head, a bitter smile tilting her lips. "Nothing." She
squeezed her eyes shut then opened them again, her smile growing wider,
angrier. "I don't need you to do anything Doyle, and lucky for me, that
seems to be something you're pretty adept at."

"Cordy..." I whispered pleadingly. "I'm sorry for what I said. I was
wrong. And I know I deserve your anger, but you're hurt and I just want
to help."

"Funny," Cordelia answered, her tone saying it was anything but, "A few
hours ago that would have been my line." She exhaled loudly, brushing
one hand over the few tears that had escaped down her cheeks.

"Cordy..."

"Don't." She cut me off, straightening her shoulders as she began to
limp towards the entrance to the cave. "Just don't."

And I didn't. Not right away anyway. I just stood there like an idiot
and let her hobble away. She's a stubborn one, my Cordelia, and most
likely she'd kill herself getting back to the village instead of letting
me help her.

I guess we're more alike than I thought. Both of us trying so hard to
pretend we didn't need each other. Although to be honest, it's mostly
been me. I'm so afraid of her, and what I feel for her, and what I feel
about myself, that I've refused her help time and again. It's only now
that she's refused mine that I know how much my rejection must have hurt
her.

But she kept coming back anyway, kept opening herself up for me to push
her away, kept making sure I knew that she was there, whenever and
however I needed her.

I can't offer her that same gift, no matter how much I wish I could.
But, I can put my own issues aside to make sure she gets back to the
village without hurting herself further.

And who knows, if I make it through that, maybe I'll even be able to
give her the apology she deserves.


~*~*~*~*~

Cordelia-

Doyle caught up with me as I reached the entrance of the cave. I
stopped, refusing to look at him, refusing to acknowledge that I was
going to need his help if I wanted to get back to the village without
any more injuries.

He brushed past me, his arm grazing mine. I sucked in a breath, wishing
that I had time to close my eyes and savor the feel of his skin against
mine. It was over too fast and when I looked at him, his eyes were
unreadable. I don't know him anymore, and it hurts.

It hurts even more that he wants it this way.

"I'm going to jump down first." He said firmly, his eyes drifting away
from me as he spoke. "Then I'll help you down."

"I don't..."

"You do, so don't be stubborn and let me help." He interrupted, ignoring
the glare I shot at him. Like he had any room to talk about being
stubborn, I'm not the one who let me think he was dead instead of
admitting he was hurting. He flushed slightly, the tint of his skin
growing darker, his eyes telling me he was aware of my thoughts. "We'll
talk when we get back to the village." He whispered, his voice sending
soft shivers down my back. I hadn't heard that tone in his voice for so
long, that tone that told me how important I was to him. The tone that
made me feel like I was the only thing in the world that mattered.

I nodded dumbly, his voice stealing mine as he swung his body over the
ledge and onto the narrow path below. He turned around, his eyes hooded
as he lifted his arms up. "Come on." I bit my lip, sitting down in the
mouth of the cave. His arms moved forward, circling my waist tightly.
"I've got you."

I nodded, wondering if he knew exactly how true that statement was
before pushing myself off the ledge into his arms. He set me down gently
in front of him, his hands still holding me firmly. "I'm going to carry
you over to the clearing." His fingers lingered on the small of my back
as he spoke to me.

I nodded, unable to lift my eyes to look at him as his hands released my
waist and slipped around my shoulders and legs. He lifted me easily, and
I wrapped my arms around his neck, still refusing to look at him. I
buried my head in his shoulder instead. "Thanks."

I'm not sure if he didn't hear me, or just didn't answer, but he didn't
say anything else as he slowly maneuvered over the narrow ledge and back
to the clearing. I tightened my grip around his neck, expecting to have
to let him go any moment, but he didn't stop as we moved through the
clearing and back into the woods.

It's weird, how easy it is to trust him to keep me safe. His choices,
and the reasons he made them, have hurt me more than anything ever has,
but even now, when I'm torn between being so angry with him I could
scream, and so happy to just be touched by him that I feel like I could
smile forever, I know that as long as he's holding me I'll be okay.

At least, from everything except him. I swallowed back the thought,
trying to push away the anger that was still lingering under my skin.
This isn't the time for me to get mad. I'm not sure that there ever is
going to be a time for it. Because no matter how much he hurt me by
blaming me for Belina's disappearance, hell, blaming me for pretty much
everything, I can't let that get in the way of what's really important.
I can't take the risk that my anger might be the final straw that pushes
him out of my reach forever.

Then again maybe it's what he needs. He's so caught up in his hatred of
what he is that he can't see anyone else. Maybe he needs a swift kick of
reality to see that his actions aren't just affecting him. That there
are people who care about him, people who would do anything for him,
demon or not.

And he is a demon now, even if the word doesn't mean the same thing it
did to me a few short months ago. I can feel the differences in his skin
as it rubs against mine. It's slightly rougher, not enough to be
unpleasant; in fact, it's just the opposite. And I can feel the strength
that lies underneath it, the strength that makes it so easy for him to
carry me. It's different from the strength I feel in Angel's arms.
Angel's like a coiled snake, with all this power and force ready to
strike at any given moment. Doyle's more like a rock. Solid and
unwavering, I think he could carry me forever and never stumble.

I buried my face deeper into his shoulder, suddenly needing to memorize
every sensation. We'll be back at the village soon and he's going to put
me down, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to be in his arms
again. I need to hold onto this moment, to the smell of his skin and the
steady beat of his heart. I need to understand the feel of his fingers
on my leg and the warmth of his breath on my head so that it's mine
forever.

Angel was waiting for us when we broke through the forest into the field
along the edge of the village, his brow creased with worry. He sprinted
forward, the worry increasing as he realized I was in Doyle's arms.
"What happened?"

Doyle's body stiffened as he looked silently at Angel for a moment. I
lifted my head, not understanding the emotion that filled his eyes. "I
think she sprained her ankle." Doyle answered before I could find my
voice to speak. "I'm sure you can help her the rest of the way." He
finished, letting go of me so suddenly that I would have fallen if Angel
hadn't grabbed me. I leaned into his shoulder, finally letting myself
cry as I watched Doyle stride quickly across the field.

"What happened?" Angel asked again, his voice more confused than worried
now.

"My ankle." I whispered, afraid that if I spoke any louder the rest of
the tears behind my eyes would break free. "I think I sprained it or
something."

Angel leaned over, running a cool hand along my ankle. "It's pretty
swollen."

I nodded, trying to force a smile on my face. "It's not that bad. I'll
be fine tomorrow."

"Will you?" Angel asked, looking away from me to the distant figure I
was still watching.

"He said we would talk when we got back." I told him, biting down hard
on my lip. "But he left again."

"Maybe he just needs a little more time."

I don't know how much time I have to give him. I feel like I'm on the
clock now, and time is ticking away faster and faster. The PTB aren't
going to let me stay here forever, and I think my vision tonight was the
first warning. I just don't know that when the time comes I'll be able
to go. What's the point of it if I can't even help save one of the most
important people in the world to me from himself? "We're running out of
time."

"I know." Angel agreed, his face somber as he met my eyes.

"I don't know what else to do." I admitted quietly. "I've left him
alone, chased after him, confronted him, yelled at him, ignored him..."
I opened my arms wide. "What else can I do?"

"Just be there." Angel said quietly. "He'll come to you."

I laughed grimly, shaking my head. "I thought he would talk to me, after
Beli, after carrying me...I thought..."

"He will."

I shook my head more violently, watching as the last traces of Doyle
disappeared into the night. If he wasn't willing to talk to me now, I
wasn't going to hold my breath any more. "I think I hate him." I
whispered.

"I think you love him." Angel replied gently.

I nodded, wiping the tears away and sighing. "Maybe both."

Angel smiled reassuringly at me as he turned around, crouching down in
the grass. "Hop on."

I shook my head at him. "Piggy back?"

"Well I'm not carrying you like some damsel in distress." He replied
teasingly.

"I didn't ask you too." I retorted easily, climbing onto his back. He
stood quickly, half jogging across the field to Bydel's house.

"Bydel's treating Sabi inside." Angel told me as he climbed the steps.
"She seemed to think it wasn't as bad as it looked."

"She would know." I whispered, lifting my head from Angel's shoulder to
look into the small home. Bydel was kneeling on the floor, Sabi resting
on a pile of blankets in front of her. Beli was curled up quietly in the
corner, her sleeping face streaked with tears.

Angel swung me around, setting me down carefully in Keidan's large
chair. I closed my eyes, leaning back against the wooden frame, amazed
at the feeling of safety I had found in this room. In these people.

"How is she?" Angel inquired cautiously; his eyes focused on the two
demons I hadn't noticed when we arrived. They watched Bydel work, their
faces twisted with fear.

"She'll be fine." Bydel replied, her voice the same cool, no nonsense
tone I had come to depend on. Whether we were talking about Doyle, or
medicine, or the dress she was making me, I had never known Bydel to
alter the truth in the slightest. Even if it meant her telling me that
my waist was a full inch thicker than I vowed it was. "As long as she
stays away from those berries you've been eating." She added, her eyes
pinning the two demons in place. "If you can't find enough to eat, you
come here. Understood?"

They nodded, the panic in their eyes dimming. "She'll be okay?" Manj
asked again, as if he still couldn't believe it.

"Good as new." Bydel answered, pulling a cloth from the pot above the
fire and ringing it out. She folded it carefully, laying it on Sabi's
forehead. "I've given her a mixture of Vedan root and ginger. She'll be
up and running in the morning."

"Good." Angel murmured, glancing over at me briefly. I smiled weakly at
him, willing myself to ignore the pain in my foot. It had faded while I
was in Doyle's arms, or maybe it just couldn't compete with the emotions
his arms had brought with them. Either way, it was killing me now that I
didn't have the distraction Doyle brought. Angel frowned, his lips
tightening as he turned back to Bydel. "Can you take a look at
Cordelia's ankle when you're done?"

"Of course." She replied, glancing in my direction and smiling. My lips
curled upward briefly before I looked away, shutting my eyes and
wrapping my arms around myself tightly. The throbbing was traveling up
my leg now; echoing through my body until it was hard to think of
anything else.

Angel moved closer to me, resting his hand on my shoulder, rubbing the
skin gently. "Cordelia?" I opened my eyes, tilting my head back to face
him. "I'm going out for a while. I won't be long."

Doyle. He was going to see Doyle. It was in his eyes, the anger, the
hurt, the refusal to wait any longer for something to happen. In another
world, on another night, I might have argued with him to just leave it
alone. This wasn't the night for reconciliation, the emotions were too
close to the surface, the anger too insistent on being heard. Maybe time
would be our friend if we let this rest. Instead I nodded, meeting his
eyes fully, giving him my permission.

Bydel looked up from her work, her eyes studying us both carefully.
"Angel?" She began, her voice as steady as it always was. "Would you
take these two," She motioned to Sabi's brothers, "to Doyle's? I don't
have room here for them. I want to keep Sabi close though." She smiled
at the others, her tone reassuring. "You can come over first thing in
the morning to see her."

They nodded their agreement as Angel answered. "Sure." Squeezing my
shoulder, he let go and walked over to the door, leaning against the
frame as Manj and his brother paused over their sister, whispering
quietly to her. "I won't be long." Angel repeated, his eyes meeting mine
one last time. One last chance to take it back, ask him to stay, to
leave Doyle alone.

I nodded, almost hearing the gavel pounding on the judge's desk. I
couldn't speak; the tears were too close to the edge, so I kept nodding,
even as the demons disappeared out the door behind Angel.

What had I done?

My body started to tremble, my teeth chattering together even as the
fire warmed me. Bydel walked over, draping a thick blanket over my
shoulders. She brushed my hair back; her hands warm as they rested on my
head.

"I think I've made a horrible mistake." I whispered, my voice cracking.
"I should go after him. Stop him."

Bydel returned to Sabi, kneeling on the floor once again, a thick salve
in her hands. She rubbed it between her palms before spreading it over
the young girl's face and arms. "It's not your place. This is between
Doyle and Angel."

I closed my eyes, feeling hot tears slipping down my cheeks. "Angel's
protecting me."

Bydel shook her head, her smile gentle as she answered. "This isn't just
about you. Angel wants his friend back."

I frowned, wondering if she was right, knowing she was. Somehow, in the
last few hours, days, I had forgotten about Angel's loss. He was
suffering as much as I was, wanted as much as I did. "But if he pushes
him..." I began, looking to Bydel for reassurance that this wasn't going
to blow up in Angel's face.

Bydel shrugged, standing gracefully and walking over to her small
medicine cupboard. "Maybe Doyle needs someone who can push. Someone he
can push back."

"And he can't do that with me?" I asked in a small voice, hating the
jealousy that flowed through me at the thought of Angel and Doyle
reuniting and leaving me out.

"To Doyle, you're a princess. It's not just a word he uses; it's in the
air as he speaks of you. He's afraid of what it means when you talk of
wanting him in your life."

"It doesn't mean anything more than the fact that he's important to me."
I said, pounding my fists into the arms of the chair in frustration. "I
don't want to be his princess if it means I can't have him."

Bydel continued speaking as if she hadn't heard my outburst. "I can see
it, we all can, even Doyle, in spite of his denial, can see it. You love
him. And he doesn't know what it means that the princess can love the
monster, when the monster can't even love himself." She took a small jar
from the shelf and walked over, settling on a low stool in front of me.
"It's different with Angel. In his eyes, Angel's another monster, an
outcast like him. He can't hurt Angel, can't alter what Angel is by his
presence."

"And he thinks he can alter me?" I asked.

"He thinks he can destroy you." She said, lifting my leg up and settling
it on her lap. I winced as pain shot through me. "If he gives you what
you want, then he'll ruin both your lives."

"Doyle made my life better." I whispered haltingly. "He gave me
friendship when I was totally alone. He gave me hope back. The only
thing that can ruin my life is to not have him in it."

She smiled at me, scooping thick cream from the jar and spreading it
over my ankle. The cream was cold, numbing the pain slightly. She
prodded gently at the swollen tissue, her fingers working the cream
deeper into my skin. "In his world, the princess doesn't end up with the
monster."

"Well maybe he should get a new world." I said bitterly, my anger rising
again. "Maybe sometimes that's exactly where the princess wants to be."
I shifted in the chair, my eyes drifting around the room. Beli whimpered
in her sleep, clutching her bear tightly to her chest. I watched her for
a moment, letting the relief wash over me once more. If anything had
happened to her, I would never have forgiven myself. "Although, if
tonight's anything to go by, Doyle's not holding onto the princess idea
anymore."

"Because he blamed you for Belina's disappearance?" Bydel inquired
softly, her eyes lifting to the small girl in the corner, her mouth
curled into a smile. She turned back to me; the smile fading into the
serene look she wore most of the time.

I shrugged, trying to find the words to tell her that Doyle hadn't been
totally wrong. He may have assigned me reasons that weren't true, but it
didn't change the fact that I had known, and I hadn't told. "It was my
fault." I whispered finally, my voice choked with tears as I met her
eyes. "I knew about the secret place, and I should have told you right
away. I should have made sure Beli told you."

"You had a lot on your mind." Bydel said mildly, picking up a large
piece of material and beginning to rip thin strips from it. "And you
were willing to risk your own life to make sure she was safe."

"That's no excuse." I whispered. "I should have told."

Bydel nodded in agreement, her hands pausing on the material. "I forgive
you." She whispered softly.

"Thank you." I murmured, tears running freely down my face, her words
feeling like freedom. "I would never purposely let her be hurt. I love
her."

"I know that." Bydel said, taking one strip of material and wrapping it
tightly around my ankle. "Doyle knows that too."

"He said the words though. He said I did it because I didn't care if she
lived or died." I whispered, chewing on my lower lip. I closed my eyes,
my voice weak as I continued. "Maybe I've never been his princess, maybe
I've only ever been his excuse."

"Maybe you're his voice." Bydel offered, taking another piece of cloth
and adding it to the first one. "Thinking you would hate him may be
easier than facing that he's the one who hates himself."

"There's no reason for him to hate himself." I pulled the blanket
tighter around my shoulder as a fresh wave of chills came over me. "He's
still Doyle. His appearance doesn't mean anything."

Bydel looked up, the faintest hint of surprise on her face. "It's not
just his appearance Cordelia. You have to see that. It's not just the
spikes, or the color of his skin. It's more. It's who he is now."

"He's a demon." I whispered, remembering the feel of his skin against
mine when he carried me. The strength that had rumbled underneath, the
power that was there waiting to be used. Remembering the way he tilted
his head in the air, pulling the direction of the water out of the night
air. "But..."

"They're aren't any buts Cordelia. He is what he is. You have to accept
that."

"I have." I argued, sinking lower into the chair. "I thought I had.
Because under all the changes, he's still the guy who made me feel more
important than anyone else ever has."

"You can't forget the changes Cordelia. You can't think that saying that
it doesn't matter makes it true." She pulled another strand of material
around my ankle, the cloth making my ankle look like a ball. It was
helping already; the throbbing pain had faded slightly. "You could say
that your sprain doesn't matter, but you would still fall down if you
tried to put weight on it."

She patted the cloth, her hands moving up my leg to the remains of my
shirt, still wrapped tightly around my knee. Pulling the blood soaked
cloth away from my skin; she examined the cut I had already forgotten
about. "It will heal eventually, as most things do, but until then, it
does matter."

I nodded, watching as she wet a strip of cloth and began wiping the
blood from the cut. "Will Doyle heal?" I whispered.

She was silent for a minute, setting the cloth down beside her as her
fingers pulled the edges of the cut apart, brushing the small stones
littering the raw skin away. "Doyle's soul is bruised." She said
finally. "And for a bruise to heal, you have to give it time."

I swallowed, picturing Doyle's soul looking like my ankle, purple and
black, angry and sore. "How much time?" I asked, my voice thick with
fear, afraid that there wasn't going to be enough.

"I don't know." She admitted, looking up at me, her smile the one I
always wished my own mother would give to me. "But don't think I'm
saying that you can't help him. He still needs your support, even if you
can't take all the pain away."

"Like my ankle." I whispered, feeling for the shooting pain that had now
settled into a dull ache.

Bydel nodded, her attention focused back on my knee. She reached into a
box at her side, pulling out a needle and threading it slowly. I paled,
shutting my eyes tightly so I didn't have to see what she was doing.

She spread some of the cream on my knee, waiting for it to dull the skin
as it had for my ankle. The sting faded away, and I could feel her
fingers moving on the edges of the torn skin, but the sensations were
dulled. I cupped my hands over my face, feeling the dampness of my palms
on my cheeks. "Are you afraid?" She asked.

"I don't like needles." I admitted, unable to pry my hands from my face.
"Can't it heal without stitches?"

"It can, but there will be a scar."

"It won't be the first." I told her, my mind flashing to the matching
scars on either side of my stomach.

"But why have a scar if you don't need to?" She asked. I didn't answer,
my hands digging into my face as I waited for the prick of the needle
entering my skin. I couldn't refuse her help; it was stupid to even
think of it.

I pulled my hands away when she patted my knee. "It's all done." She
told me, her eyes twinkling at my surprise.

"I didn't feel it." I whispered.

"Pain isn't always necessary." She said, climbing to her feet, and
setting my leg on the low stool she had vacated. Tucking the blanket
around my leg, she walked over to the cupboards, pulling two cups out.

She walked back over, pouring from a small pot in the back of the fire.
"I know you want to help Doyle." She began quietly, her expression
compassionate as she handed me a cup of her special tea. "And I believe
you are helping him, even if he doesn't know it yet." Her hand reached
over, patting my cheek gently. "But I worry about you Cordelia."

"Me? Why?"

"Because Doyle isn't the only one wounded, Cordelia. His wound is more
severe, but yours will leave a scar if it doesn't heal properly."

I shook my head, denying her words. "I'm fine. He's alive, that's all
that counts."

Bydel frowned as she straightened up. "One life can never be all that
counts. His choices, although they were never meant to hurt you, have.
And you can't pretend forever that they haven't."

"Why not?" I asked, my voice growing bitter again. "We have him back.
Sort of. And I'm not risking the little bit of himself he's willing to
give us just so that he knows I hurt too. That what he thought, even if
he was protecting himself, hurt me. That he could even pretend to think
that I would reject him. That I was that shallow, that uncaring..." My
voice wavered, and I stopped.

Bydel shook her head again, walking over to check on Sabi. "Maybe that's
exactly what Doyle needs. To know he's not alone, that he's not the only
one who hurts."

"Angel will tell him. Angel's been hurting for longer than either of us
have been alive. He understands what it is to hate what you are." I
whispered, suddenly realizing that Angel had been gone for over an hour.
Had he found Doyle? Were they talking, or was everything falling further
apart than it already was?

I couldn't let that happen. I pushed the blanket from my shoulders, not
surprised to find Bydel at my side, a solid branch in her hand. "Use
this." She said, thrusting it into my hand. "Try to put as little weight
on your ankle as possible."

I took it from her, struggling awkwardly to my feet. "Am I doing the
right thing?" I whispered.

Bydel smiled, nodding her head slightly. "You were once three."

"All for one, and one for all." I muttered under my breath, wishing that
somehow we could be that again. Bydel watched silently as I made my way
haltingly to the door and out into the night.


~*~*~*~*~
Angel-


I hadn't been inside Doyle's place before. It was sparse, plain, as if
the person living in it had no personality to decorate the walls with.
It was so different from the disordered chaos of his apartment in LA.
Every inch of that crammed space had screamed Doyle. His exuberance, his
pain, his zest for life.

I lit the small lantern on the table, letting its weak light spread
through the room. Doyle was there, I could smell him on the air, like I
knew he could smell me. He didn't say anything as I slowly swung around,
fixing my eyes on him. He was huddled in the corner, his body slumped
into an oversized wooden chair. He lifted his head, his eyes dull as he
waited for me to speak.

"Bydel said they should stay here." I began, pointing to the two demons
hovering on the edge of the room. "She said you have room."

"I do." He answered, his voice blank and empty. He stood, leading the
demons down a short hallway and opening a door. "There's a mattress on
the floor and blankets in the chest." He closed the door behind them,
turning back to me. "Is that all?"

"We need to talk." I said firmly, taking one step closer to him, knowing
that my stance was threatening. "Now."

"I'm guessing that the kid-glove routine is finished." He commented,
moving past me back into the open space of the living room. "Fine. But
not here."

"Why not?" I inquired, my eyes traveling over the room again, searching
for one thing, any thing, that said Doyle still existed.

"I like it outdoors at night." Doyle said, a brief, bitter smile tilting
his lips. "Isn't that where all demons like to play?" He added,
disappearing through the open door into the night.

I shook my head, my stomach twisting in frustration as I followed after
him. We walked through the night silently, until we came to the edge of
the village. A small circle of logs lay on the ground, and evidence of
fires past dusted the center. "Are you going to listen to me?" I asked,
watching as he settled on one of the logs as if he didn't have a care in
the world. Or, like there was nothing in the world he cared about. A lie
either way, he cared more than anyone I ever knew.

"I'll listen." He agreed, leaning forward to idly draw circles in the
ashes. "But don't think it will change anything."

His attitude grated at me, anger bringing my demon closer to the front.
I growled, tossing my head impatiently as I walked over to him. "I think
it's going to change things. It has too. It can't go on like this."

"You could leave." Doyle offered, refusing to lift his head to look at
me.

"We've done this before Doyle." I reminded him, sitting down on the log
across from him. "And you know that isn't the answer."

"It's going to have to be though, isn't it?" He asked, and for a second
I heard something in his voice. Pain maybe, or regret, I wasn't sure.

"What do you mean?"

"Angel, I'm out of the loop now, but that doesn't mean I was never in
it." He tilted his head, raising his eyes as he continued. "The Powers
will call you back to LA soon. They're giving you this time, but they
won't give you forever."

"Is that how long it would take?"

Doyle shrugged, turning back to the ashes. "Longer."

"You were coming to us." I said, turning my head away so that I was
looking out into the night. "Before Cordelia had the vision. I was
watching you. You were already coming toward us when it happened."

"So?" His voice was defensive. "Momentary weakness. I won't let it
happen again."

"Maybe it was momentary strength." I countered, feeling the glare he
sent me even though I couldn't see it. "What changed?"

"That's a dumb question." He answered, his voice laced with annoyance.
He was obviously going to try every angle he could think of to make me
go away. I didn't blame him, they had worked before, but I wasn't in the
mood to play his games anymore. And maybe, like Cordelia, I felt that
time was slipping away from us. That time, even for me, wasn't eternal.
"Everything changed." He admitted softly.

"How?" I asked, turning to face him again. "Because she got your
visions? Because you treated her like dirt? Because of Belina? How did
any of that change anything?"

"Do you know how much I liked doing what we did, in LA? I mean, I
complained, and I whined, but I was happy. For the first time since I
found out I was a demon there seemed to be a reason to get out of bed in
the morning."

I watched him, unsure if he was trying to get me off the subject, or
actually going somewhere. There was a time when knowing the meaning
behind his words was second nature to me. "Because of Cordelia." I
whispered; wanting to bring the conversation back to a place I
understood, or at least could follow.

He shook his head, his lips twisting slightly. "It's not always about
her."

I nodded, looking down at the circles in the ashes. "I know. It's really
never been about her." I looked up again, staring at him as I spoke. "So
maybe you could explain to me why you were so mean to her tonight?"

"You're going to play big brother now? Tell me how if I hurt her again
you're going to kick my ass?"

"Maybe." I shrugged, reaching out to grab his wrist firmly. He turned,
shifting his head so that he was looking at me. "I think I'd like to."

Doyle glared, twisting his hand free of my grasp. He sat up straight,
his eyes hard as he spoke. "It won't be the easy fight it would have
been before. I may not be a vampire, but I'm no weakling."

"Is that what you want?" I asked him, my skin itching with the need to
break through the walls between us. And if I couldn't have that, well,
what better way for demons to bond than through violence.

Doyle exhaled, his eyes leaving mine to stare out into the night. "I
want peace. I want one day that doesn't hurt."

"I would give that to you if I could." I whispered, remembering my one
day at peace. I treasured that memory more than any other, in spite of
the pain that came after. I had my one moment, my day in the sun, in a
more literal way than most people have it, and somehow in this moment, I
wish I could give it to him. Give him a day where he could find some
happiness to hold onto.

But that isn't the way it works. And I'm glad of it. Because he's got
something much better waiting for him on the other side of his
suffering. He deserves something better, and if we can make him believe
that, than he can have that it. That someone. That life.

"I don't want your pity." Doyle remarked coolly, crossing his legs in
front of him. "Do you know how awful it feels to be pitied by you? By a
creature sentenced to an even worse punishment than I am?"

"Maybe it's not a punishment, for either of us."

"What? You call losing the girl, the Slayer, of your dreams a lucky
break? Or maybe it's just spikes and red eyes you consider lucky? Maybe
it's hiding out on an island that's lucky?" His voice was angry now, his
calm demeanor ripped away from his skin. He leaned forward, his face
inches from mine. "Where is the luck in any of that?"

"It's in the second chance." I replied, refusing to look away from the
rage in his eyes. "You're not dead Doyle, and you should be. I'm not in
Hell, and I should be. We got a second chance to make something of
ourselves."

"What if I want to be dead?" Doyle asked angrily. "What if I think they
should take their second chance and shove it?"

"But you don't." I said with a certainty I didn't feel.

"Well it sure feels like I do." Doyle muttered, dropping his chin to his
chest.

"I want to help you." I offered, knowing that there had to be a better
way of saying it, but unable to find it. The last few months with
Cordelia have taught me a lot about communicating, but not enough to
find the words to make my best friend want to live.

"I know." Doyle shrugged, lifting his head to look at me. "You want to
help me, Cordy's practically chewing at the bit to help me, Reiff wants
to help, Keidan wants to help..."

"The list goes on?" I interrupted him, smiling gently. "So why don't you
let us?"

"I can't. Because I don't belong. I don't fit. And no matter which way I
turn there's someone wanting to make me."

"Then we'll find a Bracken. We'll bring him here, or take you to him."

"That's not what I mean." Doyle exploded, his fists slamming into the
ground in front of him. "I don't want to be all buddy buddy with my Da's
side. I don't want to learn the customs and laws of the Bracken. I don't
want to be Bracken."

"Then what do you mean?" I asked quietly.

"Family, community, friendship. I'm not part of any of that any longer.
I'm alone. I'm always going to be alone."

I shook my head. "You're my friend. You're part of my family. And Reiff
looks up to you, Belina adores you, Keidan and Bydel think of you as
another son. How could you say you don't belong?"

"I don't ever feel like I belong. I'm always on the outside looking in.
Like tonight."

"Tonight?" I echoed.

Doyle fidgeted, his hands clenching and unclenching, sending the ashes
into the air. He exhaled forcefully, lifting his head to meet my eyes.
"Like tonight. Because it was like before." His voice grew bitter.
"Because it was the three of us, doing what needed to be done, and I
liked it. I knew we'd find Beli, because the three of us as a team were
too good not to. And then, when Cordelia came into the cave, and when
you came to meet us when I brought her back, I realized it wasn't the
three of us. It was the two of you, and the useless third. The
outsider."

"What are you talking about? We couldn't have done it without you. We
need you." I stared at him, seeing the hurt in his face, but not
understanding where it came from. "You're not the outsider. You've never
been that to us."

"We. Us." He repeated bitterly. "You and Cordelia against the world.
That's how it is now, and I don't have a place in that."

I shook my head, my anger growing in step with his. "How could you dare
think that, let alone say it? What are we here for if not for you? Why
does Cordelia cry every night if she doesn't need you? Why do I feel
like I lost the best friend I'm ever going to have?"

"You have her."

"And I'm thankful every day for that." I replied. "Like I'm thankful
every day that I met you."

Doyle shifted uneasily, refusing once again to look at me. His head was
down as he spoke, his voice so low I wouldn't have heard him if I wasn't
a vampire. "I shouldn't have said what I did to her."

"No argument here." I replied, leaning back and crossing my legs in
front of me. "So why did you?"

"You know why." He growled, picking up a small piece of charred wood and
throwing it angrily into the night. "Because I hate this. And I hate her
for not hating this. And I hate her for not hating you because if she
doesn't hate you I'm forced to believe she doesn't hate me."

"You don't hate her. And she certainly doesn't hate you." I said
needlessly. He didn't need me to tell him that, he couldn't be that far
gone that he couldn't see the love in her eyes every time she looked at
him. Or the love in every action, or inaction she took towards him. "You
said you would talk to her. She told me. What happened?"

"I saw you." Doyle whispered. "And I knew you would keep her safer than
I could."

I looked at him as if I could figure out what was going on in his head
if I stared long enough. "We both want to keep her safe."

Doyle nodded, his eyes burning a deep red. "It used to be me she turned
to when she needed someone."

"And now she turns to me." I finished for him. What was I supposed to do
now? Apologize because Cordelia and I had saved each other after we lost
him? I wouldn't. I couldn't.

"You're very close." Doyle observed, his face twisting into a bitter
mask once more.

I frowned at him, fighting the urge once again to punch the bitterness
from his face. "And you're jealous. You want to punish us for daring to
find something good in the bad of losing you."

Doyle shook his head, denying my words. "No." He shook his head again,
dropping his face into his hands. The spikes bent back, peeking out over
the edges of his palms. "I just don't want to hurt any more."

"And Cordelia and I hurt you?" I whispered.

"No...yes...I don't know. It hurts that you're so close. That you have
each other and I have no one."

"You have us." I told him.

"No, I don't." He said; his voice layered in sadness. "I gave you up.
And I hoped that you would hold onto each other, help each other through
it."

"But that was when you thought you'd never see us again." I finished his
unspoken thought, understanding him more in that minute than I ever had
before. I've spent over a hundred years yearning for one hint of the
closeness I see in other peoples' lives, the knowledge that you have
someone who you can always count on. I finally tasted it with Buffy, but
it wasn't until I found Doyle and Cordelia that I had a family I could
call my own. "And you think there isn't room for you any more."

"There isn't. You two have a purpose. I don't. Not anymore. I'm just
wasting time, hoping for the end to come quickly."

"There's always been room for you Doyle. That hasn't changed. You are my
family. You and Cordelia both." I didn't mention Wesley, there wasn't
any point in telling him there was an actual third person in our lives.

"And you love her." He added.

"And I love you." I admitted quietly. "And she loves the both of us. In
different ways, but it's all love."

"She feels bad for me." Doyle argued, lifting his head from his hands,
his spikes springing back into place. "And I can't forgive her for
that."

"You have to let this go." I pleaded with him. "You have to stop pushing
her away. Stop pushing us away."

Doyle was silent for a moment, then he stood, his voice sad as he spoke.
"I have to. Because when this little interlude is over, you'll still
have each other, and I'll still have nothing. And I'd rather have that
than your pity."

"It's not pity." Cordelia answered softly. She stepped out of the
shadows, leaving me wondering how she had managed to approach, using a
cane no less, without me hearing her. From the shock on Doyle's face he
was wondering the same thing too. "And you're an idiot if you think that
what we feel for you is pity."

"Name calling Cordy?" Doyle asked, his voice dropping into the low
bitter tone I was quickly coming to hate. "And here I thought you had
grown."

"You started it." Cordelia countered, her face almost frightening in its
determination.

Doyle glared at her, his eyes glowing as he waited for her to back down.
He'd obviously forgotten how stubborn she was if he thought he could
wait her out. She glared back, her lips tightening as she leaned on the
cane, her skin pale white. A soft sheen of sweat covered her forehead,
and I wondered how much pain she was suffering to be here.

I stood up, wanting to offer her a body to lean on, but the fierceness
of their glares; not to mention the fear of Doyle's reaction, kept me
from moving.

Cordelia turned her head for a second, her eyes trying to reassure me
before she turned back to Doyle.

He shifted uncomfortably, his unease growing with every second of her
steely appraisal. "What?" He snapped finally.

I winced, understanding now where some of his anger came from, but
unsure if Cordelia did. Or if she even cared anymore.

"You said we would talk." She answered calmly. Some of the tension
drained from my shoulders at the patience in her tone. Maybe somehow the
three of us would be able to salvage something of this night.

"I did." Doyle replied, turning to look at me. "But I spent all my
talking time on Angel. He can fill you in. Make it a bedtime story
maybe?"

"Doyle." I warned him, taking a step in his direction.

"And now you're jealous?" Cordelia asked him incredulously. "Because
we're close. Because we found one good thing in the nightmare of losing
you."

"I'm not jealous." Doyle informed her coldly. "I'm glad you have a
friend."

"You know what Doyle, so am I." She glared at him, her eyes dark in her
pale face. "I never would have survived losing you without him."

"But you did survive. You're fine." Doyle whispered, his face falling.
"You can go back to LA, and everything will go back to normal. But it
will never, ever go back to normal for me."

"And you want to punish me for that?" Cordelia asked, her voice rising.
"You want Angel to suffer for that?"

"I didn't ask you to come here." Doyle turned his head away, his
shoulders slumping.

"No." Cordelia agreed quietly, all the anger draining from her. "You
didn't. And that hurts."

"Not as much as waking up every morning to realize you're living your
worst nightmare."

Cordelia stared at him, her eyes filling with tears. She stepped
forward, her voice low and intense as she spoke. "You think you've
cornered the market on hurting?  Well think again!  I hurt! I hurt when
I thought you were dead!  I cried myself to sleep at night for weeks.
And then just when I think that things are going to be okay, just when I
can finally remember your smile or your laugh without breaking down, I
find out you're alive!  That you think so little of me you'd rather
suffer by yourself then ask your friends to help you!  Did you honestly
think that we'd see the change in you and tell you to go away?  Did you
think so little of Angel? Or was it just me you didn't have any faith
in?"

I stared at her, shocked at her outburst. Doyle didn't react at all. His
face remained the same blank slate as he studied her silently. She shook
her head, throwing the cane onto the ground and limping closer to him.
"Fine then. Ignore me. Do whatever you want."

"That was the plan." Doyle answered slowly.

Cordelia's face was pinched, and I could see the effort it took her to
keep from crying, but her voice remained even as she spoke. "But first,
I think you owed me an apology? Or have you changed your mind about
that?"

"No." Doyle shook his head, a grim smile twisting his lips. "I do owe
you an apology."

Cordelia swallowed, reaching up to tuck her hair behind her ears. "I'll
trade your apology for five minutes where you actually listen to what
I'm saying." She stretched her arms out, palms up in a silent plea.

I turned back to Doyle, trying to hide the pride I felt for her behind a
blank look. She was struggling as much as he was, trying to make sense
of the hurt and the loss, and at the same time, still reach out. Doyle
wasn't getting any of it though; I knew it as soon as I turned. He was
holding himself stiffly, his face closed off from any emotion. I could
almost hear the echo of his defenses snapping into place.

"I apologize for thinking you wouldn't care if Belina was hurt." The
formality in his voice made me want to weep. "I am aware that you are
fond of her, and would never purposefully put her life in danger."
Cordelia gasped softly, obviously not missing the slight.

"Stop it." I ordered him, stepping forward so that once again we were at
equal distances from each other. "She doesn't deserve this." I would
have continued, but Cordelia's hand on my arm stopped me.

"Let him finish." She whispered, her dark eyes sparkling with tears. She
turned back to Doyle; her lips stretched in an awful caricature of a
smile as motioned for him to continue.

He hesitated, his hands clenched into fists at his sides.

"Finish it." She whispered harshly, and I wondered how it was that he
couldn't hear the pain in her voice. How was it that he could only hear
himself now?

Doyle flinched, looking down at the ground as if it might offer him
escape. "I'm sorry. I was wrong." He mumbled.

"And why were you wrong?" Cordelia pressed, her voice demanding an
answer.

Doyle looked up, an ugly grimace on his face. His eyes narrowed as he
stared at her, his voice, when it came, full of every ounce of the rage
that was poisoning him. "Because you're perfect. Because you're the
princess, and the princess never does anything wrong."

Cordelia's face flushed, her cheeks burning with color. She was moving
before I had time to process anything, her fist flashing out from her
side and traveling the distance that still separated them. Every bit of
strength she could muster followed it, and he grunted as she connected
with his stomach.

She pulled back immediately, her face frozen in shock. I think we all
were in shock. Doyle's mouth was caught open, his eyes searching hers. I
might have laughed, their expressions were so similar, one demon, one
human, with the same disbelief, if I hadn't suddenly been so terrified
that this was it. The moment that Doyle slipped away from us forever.

Cordelia's eyes grew wider, her jaw hanging loose as she continued
staring at him. He shook his head, his eyes quickly pulled back to hers.
I opened my mouth, trying desperately to think of something to say to
fix this, but Doyle found his voice before I did.

"What was that for?"

Cordelia shrugged helplessly, her mouth opening and closing a few times
before she managed to speak. "I don't know...I...you...You're being
stupid and talking isn't getting us anywhere." She paused watching him
carefully, her eyes communicating something I couldn't understand, but
for the first time, I think Doyle was hearing her. His stance relaxed
slightly, his posture opening up as he continued staring at her. She
seemed to make a decision, an impish smile lighting her lips as she
added. "And violence always seems to make Angel feel better."

Doyle started, his lips quirking. She bit her lip, her smile fading into
nervousness as she waited for his reaction. He nodded, a sudden grin
breaking out across his face. "He is a big bruiser isn't he?"

Cordelia grinned back, a short burst of laughter breaking from her lips.
She stepped forward, her eyes never wavering from his face. I watched
them both, realizing suddenly that I wasn't needed anymore. If I ever
had been. "I've missed you." She whispered.

He smiled again, his breathing labored as he fought to hold the tears
that had filled his eyes back. "I've missed you too," he said gruffly.
"So much." His voice broke as they closed the distance between them, her
arms flying around his shoulders. He gripped her back as if she was his
lifeline, his sobs shaking his body.

They sunk down to the ground, the sound of her tears mixing with his. I
watched them, feeling like I was invading a sacred moment. Maybe feeling
a little bit like Doyle had mistakenly felt earlier, but I couldn't
begrudge them this. Their connection, battered and bruised as it was
went deeper than friendship, deeper than family, and I was happy that
they had it.

But, at some future date, they're both going to pay for making fun of
me.