Title: Almost a Very Good Life Parts 17-20
Author: Andrea
Disclaimer: All characters in this fic are the property of Joss Whedon,
Mutant Enemy, Fox, and the WB. They are not mine. Oh, and the name for
the half demons on the island with Doyle came from the brilliant
Christine.
Spoilers: Hero, and the things that happen in 'Parting Gifts.' It's not
the same as the show though. Okay, that didn't make a lot of sense, but
hopefully it will after you read it.
Distribution: Sure, just let me know.
Feedback: Please? Good, bad, anything.
Summary: Yet another bring Doyle back fic.
Dedicated to Christine, for all her help with this, and for lots more.

~*~*~*~*~

Angel--


I found Doyle alone at the edge of the village, staring blankly over at
the large fire that the others were gathered around. He flinched when he
saw me, and then his face went blank as he lowered himself onto the
grass.

"Your turn now?" Doyle asked, still peering intently into the night. He
wiped his hands on his pants, turning to look at me. "Share your wisdom
with me then, I can barely wait to hear it."

"What do you want me to say?" I questioned as I sat down beside him,
crossing my ankles in front of me.

"What?" His eyes narrowed quickly, his face contorting with anger, but
he fought it back, hiding his emotions underneath the spines that
covered his face. "You're the one who wants to be all sharing, I'm not
doing all the work for you."

I nodded, turning my head so that I was facing him. I studied his face
carefully, looking more intently at his demon form than I had ever
thought to before. It wasn't a bad face, as far as demons go. He could
have had it much worse, I've seen demons that make you want to rip your
own eyes out just to be sure you never have to see them again. He
frowned, growing increasingly uncomfortable with the attention.

"Would you stop?" He blurted out finally. I raised one eyebrow, my lips
drawing out into a firm line. "I'm not on display here."

"No, you're my friend." I said simply, turning back to watch the last
light of the fire dim. The night settled around us, the every day noise
of the village fading as time went on. Doyle said nothing, but he didn't
leave, and for the moment I was content with that.

Maybe he thought I would give up, that his silence would drive me away,
or anger me into fighting with him. He had forgotten more than to tell
us he was alive if he thought that would work. I could and would sit
here in silence with him until the sun rose.

"It's not that I don't want to be your friend." He whispered. I looked
at him, not surprised that he was very intent on not looking back.

"I know that." I replied. "You've got the idea that your appearance
means you can't be around Cordelia."

He looked up, his face tightening at the mention of her name. "She
deserves more than me."

"She didn't deserve to mourn you." I answered firmly. I may understand
why he did it. I can even forgive him for it, but there wasn't any way I
was letting him think he made the right decision. "You underestimated
her."

"She hates demons." Doyle argued. "You've heard her Angel."

"She doesn't hate me." I countered steadily. "And she doesn't hate you."

"No." Doyle agreed mournfully. "She feels bad for me, and that's worse."

"You're an idiot." I stood, pulling him to his feet along with me. "Come
on, we're going for a walk."

He pulled his arm free, his eyes flashing as he answered. "I'm not going
anywhere."

"Now you're just being a baby." I grabbed his arm again, dragging him
behind me as I headed for the woods.

"I resent that." He mumbled, falling into step beside me. I shook my
head at him, stepping up my pace as we entered the forest. "Where are we
going?"

"I don't know." I answered, shrugging my shoulders even if it was too
dark for him to see it. "Anywhere."

"It's dark."

"So?"

Doyle paused, looking around at our surroundings quietly. He breathed in
deeply, his head shifting to the left and then back again. Finally he
nodded, pointing to the left. "There's water over there."

"Let's go." I headed off, my eyes scanning the darkness for any hint of
trouble. Doyle kept up with me easily, his step light and agile as we
pushed our way through thick brush and over uneven ground.

"Why are we doing this?" Doyle asked again, his breath steady and calm
even after our exertion.

"Because we can." I answered honestly. I stopped and turned to face him,
able to see his face clearly in the moonlight. He frowned, his
expression more puzzled than angry as he waited for me to explain. I
smiled, feeling a rush of exhilaration as the forest came alive to my
senses. "We can do this Doyle, because of what we are. A human couldn't
do this. You can walk in the night, you can lead us to water. You can
hear the life that surrounds us, and protect yourself and the people you
care about from any danger it brings."

"I don't want it." Doyle responded, the puzzlement fading away and
leaving only anger. "I would gladly hide in my house at night if it
meant I could walk outside in the day. If I could stand in a crowd of
humans and not stand out at all."

"There isn't a choice here Doyle." I whispered, closing my eyes in
sympathy. I knew what he felt; I understood the anger, and the loss. But
Doyle had been there for me, his presence had tempered the ache in my
soul when I realized that I could never have the humanity I craved. "You
have to see the good in what you have, because you can't have your old
life back."

Doyle flinched, his face closing off as my words faded into the
darkness. I took a step towards him, worried that I had pushed too hard,
or too fast. "Doyle?"

"I don't know how to accept it." He admitted quietly, sadly. He lifted
his eyes as his hand reached up to float over the spikes on his face. "I
wake up every morning, praying that they'll be gone. But I know, even
before I touch them, that nothing's changed."

"I know." I murmured.

Doyle shifted, his teeth biting down on his lower lip. "I hate it. I
hate me. I hate every enhanced sense. I hate every spike. I hate it."

"You have to accept it." I whispered. "You have to find the good in it."

"There isn't any good in it." He replied. His mouth twisted into a
sarcastic smile as he added, "Well, except losing the killer headache
visions. That's not all bad."

I winced, regretting that I had let Cordelia convince me to try to keep
the truth about the visions from Doyle. "You're teaching again." I
prodded, "You like that."

"I like the kids." Doyle agreed, "But it isn't right."

"What isn't right?"

"Everything." He shook his head, turning away from me. "I'm going back."

"Doyle." I whispered, wishing that there were something I could say that
would make him see what I saw when I looked at him.

"I'm going back." He repeated, setting off in the direction we came. I
watched him for a moment, and then followed after him.

He didn't speak again until we had left the clearing. "When are you
leaving?"

"I don't know." I answered. I wanted to say that we weren't leaving
until he left with us, but I was starting to think that might be an
impossible dream. "Not for a while."

"Because of me?" Doyle asked. "Or is there some danger coming?"

I flashed back to Cordelia's vision, wondering if the only purpose of it
was to lead us to Doyle. It seemed a little too benevolent for the
Powers. Most likely there was some big evil on its way. I didn't know
how to answer him without revealing Cordelia's secret. "We wanted to see
how the Javeren were doing." I said finally, using Cordelia's answer to
Keiden's inquiry. It seemed to satisfy Doyle.

We walked in silence for a while longer. I watched him move; noticing
that he walked with his head down now, his shoulders rounded to his
body. The change had broken him in some way I couldn't understand. It
had been different for me, when I was cursed I was so busy being
horrified about my actions that I didn't pay attention to the changes in
my body. By the time I met Whistler, I was so accustomed to it, it still
didn't mean anything.

It wasn't until I met Buffy that I realized what I had lost, how far I
was removed from humanity. And it wasn't until I lost her that I
realized how much I wanted to have it back. Doyle stopped, his gaze
going to the small cabin we were beside. "This is my stop."

"Doyle..."

"I'll see you tomorrow." He said quickly, climbing the stairs to the
house. I reached out, placing one hand on his arm to stop him. He turned
his eyes wide with desperation as he waited for me to speak.

"You were there for me Doyle, when I gave up Buffy, gave up my last
chance at being human. You helped me through it. I want to do the same
for you."

Doyle nodded, sweat breaking out under the spines. He stepped down
closer to me, his eyes meeting mine and holding them. My first impulse
was to back away, to close my eyes, to do anything that meant I didn't
have to face the pain my friend was in. "Then leave. Convince Cordelia
it's time to go back to LA." He whispered finally. “Stop reminding me of
everything I've lost.”

I shook my head automatically. "No."

"It's the only way." He said, determination etched into every inch of
his face. "Help me do for Cordy what you did for Buffy."

"It's not the same." I let go of his arm, my fingers latching together.
"It's not the same." I repeated, but for a split second I was at a loss
to explain why, and Doyle saw it.

He pressed forward. "You left Buffy so she could have a normal life.
That's all I want for Cordy. Why are you so willing to sentence her to a
life you weren't willing to sentence Buffy too?"

I backed away from him, still shaking my head. "You're wrong. The
curse."

Doyle snorted bitterly. "The curse? You didn't just leave because of the
curse Angel."

"Maybe not just because of the curse, but it was a big part." I argued,
still struggling to find my footing in this discussion.

"The other part being that you are a demon." Doyle said flatly. "Like I
am."

"Not like you." I whispered. "I'm not like you. If I was, I'd still be
in Sunnydale."

"Where you'd enjoy hiding in shadows, and watching your girlfriend miss
out on a normal life because she has to hide with you."

"Appearance isn't everything."

Doyle shook his head. "But it is. It's the first thing you're judged by.
It's every first impression, and every second glance."

"It doesn't matter to us." I whispered. "Not to me, not to Cordelia.
We're your friends, and friends don't judge."

"Even if that means you stand by and watch as Cordelia throws her life
away to the darkness that we have to live in?" Doyle demanded, his eyes
glowing brightly in the moonlight.

I swallowed, stalling for time. How could I answer? Do I tell him that
Cordelia's life has already been taken over? That because of the
visions, she wasn't ever going to get a normal life. I couldn't do it.
Partly because I told Cordelia I wouldn't, but more importantly, because
I was too much of a coward to witness the pain finding out she had them
was going to cause Doyle. "Cordelia's a big girl. She can make her own
decisions." I answered finally.

"It's the wrong decision." Doyle said firmly.

"No, it isn't." Cordelia argued softly, coming up to stand beside me.
Reiff followed slightly behind her, his face apologetic as he looked at
Doyle.

"You can't do this." Doyle's voice was low as he stared at her. I
watched him, knowing that Reiff and I had disappeared from his mind. I
shifted, wondering if I should stay. Cordelia answered my silent
question by reaching out to grab my hand. Her palm was damp against
mine, and I could feel the trembling of her body through it.

"Why not?" She whispered her voice gentler than I had ever heard it. She
spoke to him like you would speak to a frightened animal.

"For the same reason that Angel left Buffy." Doyle answered, shifting to
meet my eyes for a second before looking at her again.

"It's not the same." Cordelia replied, repeating my denial. Her hand
tightened around mine as she continued. "Buffy and Angel can't be
together. Perfect happiness and all that." She looked over to me,
checking to make sure her words hadn't hurt me. I smiled to reassure
her, and she turned back to Doyle. "You're my friend, and maybe
something more. But we don't know that yet. We didn’t have enough time.
But I don't want to give up on you because of the demon thing. I won't
give up on you because of that."

"You don't know what you're saying." Doyle argued. "Think about it
Cordy, you want to go out for dinner, but we can't. You want to see a
movie, we can't. You want to..."

"I get it." Cordelia interrupted him, her face pale. "And I don't care.
Doyle, you're more important to me than that stuff."

"You're wrong." Doyle answered, dropping his head to stare at the
ground. Cordelia stepped forward, placing her hand on his arm. He
started, pulling his arm away violently. "Don't." He warned her.

"Doyle." I said, moving forward. He shook his head, his eyes clouded
with pain as he backed up the stairs. Slipping inside the door, he shut
it firmly behind him, leaving us standing alone.

I climbed the first step, and stopped. Pushing him wasn't getting us
anywhere, at least not tonight. I turned to Cordelia, reaching out to
wipe the tears from her cheeks. "We'll talk to him again tomorrow."

"Yeah." Cordelia agreed sadly. She reached out her hand to mine as I
stepped off the steps. "Reiff thinks he listen to us. We just have to
give him time." She smiled, seeming to take more comfort in the boy's
words than I could make myself.

"Time I've got." I muttered as we began to walk away from Doyle's house.
Reiff walked on the other side of me, his young face full of sorrow.

Cordelia laughed softly. "He's going to listen to us eventually Angel.
There isn't any other option." Her voice was clear, the sound lingering
in the air.

I nodded into the darkness. She was right; there weren't any other
options. Doyle had to listen to us. He had too.


~*~*~*~*~

Cordelia-


The confidence I felt after talking to Reiff faded over the next few
days. Doyle spent every waking moment avoiding us, and because of us,
the other members of the village. About the only thing I know he's still
doing is teaching his classes. I've started picking up Belina everyday
in the hope of seeing him, but he must sneak out through a back window.

I can't make myself hunt him down. I know I could find him, if I really
tried, corner him in his house, or his classroom, but I can't do that to
him. I keep thinking that he's going to appear any minute, that he's
just taking time to get used to the idea of letting us back in his life.

But he's not. He's just running away from us as fast as he can without
going anywhere. And there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to stop
it. Dryan suggested that we just wait, and Angel seems to agree, so I'm
going along with them. Even if every nerve in my body is begging me to
find him.

"Cordelia?" I looked up from my book, leaning back against the tree that
was sheltering me from the noonday sun. Keidan stood casually, his hands
shoved deep into his pockets. I smiled, lifting a hand to shade my eyes
from the sun that peeked through the branches.

"Hey." I murmured, folding a leaf that had fallen into the book to mark
my page. I was slightly shocked at my own actions. I didn't usually read
anything that wasn't about fashion, or gossip. But I had asked Bydel for
something to read, and all she had to offer was a book on Javaran
healing. Strangely, I was fascinated by it, at least in the few minutes
of the day that I wasn't thinking about Doyle.

"We're planning a celebration for Reiff. He will be sixteen next week."

I arched an eyebrow, waiting for more of an explanation.

"In our culture, sixteen is the age of adulthood. There's a ceremony,
followed by a feast of welcoming." He trailed off, his normally serene
face shining with pride. "It will be the first such celebration in our
new home and we would like for you and Angel to take part."

"There's no eating of brains involved, is there?" I asked, only half
joking. I climbed to my feet, smiling at his confused look. "Bad joke."

"Oh."

"We'd love to take part." I said, reaching out to pat his arm. "Can I
help?"

"Actually..." Keidan began, his face flushing slightly. I smiled
reassuringly at him. "We do need a female to...welcome him into
manhood."

I took a step backwards, my eyes narrowing. "And exactly how welcoming
do I have to be?"

Keidan's slightly pink cheeks turned into a full out blush as he
answered me. "It's purely ceremonial. You would recite a verse, and lead
him into the circle of elders."

"I can do that." I grinned in relief. The Javaran had been so good to
us, and to Doyle, I would hate to refuse them anything.

Keidan relaxed, letting out a slow breath. "Good." He nodded, "Bydel
will help you make your dress." He turned, walking quickly back to the
village now that his mission was accomplished. I followed slightly
behind him, wanting to be waiting outside when Belina finished school.

Classes were just letting out as I arrived at the schoolhouse. I slowed,
enjoying the excitement of the children as the scampered past me. A few
stopped to say hi, their smiles brilliant as they greeted me. Belina was
the last one out, as always. She was waving a piece of paper as she
threw herself into my waiting arms. "Cordy." She squealed. "I got a A."

"Wow." I squeezed her tightly before setting her down. "What was it
for?"

She grinned, holding the piece of paper out to me. I took it from her,
turning it over to a picture of the main fire at night. It was amazingly
well done, especially considering her age. I grinned back at her,
leaning over to plant a kiss on her cheek. "This is wonderful Beli.
You're very good."

"That's what Mr. Doyle says." She answered, her small form bouncing with
excitement. "He says I'm an artist."

"You definitely are." I agreed, my eyes slipping up to the door of the
schoolhouse. Doyle stood there, his body hidden in shadows. I smiled at
him, pointing down to the picture in my hand. "She's very talented." I
held my breath after speaking; praying that he would at least answer me.

"She is." He concurred, the slight lilt in his tone making me want to
laugh and weep at the same moment. I stepped forward, moving to the
bottom of the steps. Belina trailed after me.

I stopped at the steps, grateful for the small hand that slipped into
mine. "How are you?"

"I'm fine." He answered shortly. His body was tense, I could feel his
desire to run floating in the air. "And you?"

I bit my lip, fighting back the always ready tears. It didn't seem right
that we were talking like strangers, like two people who never really
meant anything to each other. "I miss you." I whispered finally, knowing
it was the wrong thing to say as soon as I said it.

He backed up slowly, the outline of his body disappearing into the
school. "Please." His voice drifted out, washing over me. My stomach
clenched as I climbed the first step to the building.

"Doyle." I called into the room, my voice breaking slightly. "Can't you
at least spend some time with me and Belina. I won't talk about
anything. I promise. Just spend some time with us."

"I can't." He whispered, his voice agonized. I flinched at the pain in
it, feeling my heart shatter again. "Please don't ask me."

I nodded, unable to make myself chase after him. Gripping Belina's hand
tightly in mine, I stepped back from the school. "I'm not giving up." I
whispered to him, not knowing if he could hear me. Then I let Belina
lead me away.

I was barely listening to Belina as she chattered away about school, and
her friends, and Reiff's upcoming ceremony. All I could hear was the
echo of the pain in Doyle's voice, the pain that I wasn't helping, no
matter how much I wanted to. He wasn't getting better, in fact, from
some of the things the others had told me, he was getting worse.

Because of me. Because he couldn't believe that I could accept him.
Because every stupid comment I'd ever made had made him believe I
couldn't. I haven't felt guilt a lot in my life, in high school, I never
stopped to worry that other people had feelings, and even after that, I
just said what I thought without worrying what it did to others. But I
feel guilt now. For Doyle, for everyone I ever hurt without knowing it.

And guilt hurts. It burns and it aches, and it doesn't let you go. It
makes me want to go to Angel and hug him so tightly that he can't feel
anything else. It makes me want to throw myself in front of Doyle and
plead with him to forgive my thoughtless words. And at the same time, it
stops me from doing anything. That's the hard truth about guilt, the
truth that Angel's finally getting past, and the truth that has me
firmly in its grasp. I don't know how to do anything but feel bad.

I can smile for Angel, and for the others. I can laugh at their jokes,
and hold their children. I can listen to stories about Doyle, and share
my own. But I can't feel good. It's always there, a tightness in my
chest, a burning in my eyes, a knot in my throat. It's part of me now,
like it's part of Angel. Like Doyle's self-hatred is a part of him.

The worst part of it is that I crave it. It's better than the emptiness
I had when I believed Doyle was dead.

"Cordy?" Belina's hand tugged at me, and I shook my head, surprised to
see that we were already at her home.

"I'm sorry." I pulled her closer, hugging her to me. "I was
daydreaming."

"S'okay." She forgave me easily, untangling herself from my arms and
dragging me into her house behind her.

Bydel was sitting at the table, a large swath of white fabric in her
hands. "Cordelia." She greeted me warmly before turning to her daughter.
"How was school Beli?"

"I got an A." She announced, taking the paper I still held in my hand
and handing it to her mother.

I smiled at Bydel as she raved over Belina's picture. "I'm going to
check on the day sleeper in there." I said, grinning at the face Belina
made at me as I walked towards her commandeered room. Beli was slowly
trying to convince her mother and I that she was a better roommate than
Angel.

Bydel nodded, motioning to the material in front of her. "I'll need to
take your measurements later."

"No problem." I said, "I've never been one to refuse new clothing." I
opened the door to the room and slipped inside, closing it softly behind
me.

Angel stirred as I settled onto my bed, his legs twitching as he settled
back into sleep. I leaned back against the wall, closing my eyes. "Do
you think we're doing the right thing?" I asked him, knowing he would
wake at the sound of my voice.

It took a minute for him to reply. "The right thing?" He questioned
sleepily, pulling the covers from his head to look at me. "And why do
you always want to talk when I'm sleeping?"

"Cause you sleep in the middle of the day." I answered quickly before
returning to my question. "Do you think staying here is the right thing?
Are we just making it harder for him?"

Angel's eyes opened fully, and he dragged himself into a sitting
position. "Maybe." My eyes widened, and he clarified himself quickly.
"But sometimes it has to get worse to get better." I relaxed again,
nodding in agreement.

"I don't like it." I said, wanting to talk about how guilty I felt, but
not knowing how to form the words.

"I don't like you waking me but I deal." Angel answered, his lips
curling up in a half smile.

I let him jostle me into a brighter mood, wondering exactly when it had
switched from me trying to lighten him up. "How much sleep do you need
exactly? You're usually up by this time when we're home."

"It's not like there's a lot to do here during the day."

"I guess not. If you're sun challenged anyway." I answered him, trying
to keep my voice light. It's funny, I thought I would be the one bored
here, after all there aren't any stores on the island. Or hairdressers,
or manicurists... But there's always something to do, or someone to talk
to.

"Which I am." He slipped back under the covers, his voice muffled as he
spoke again. "It's going to be okay Cordelia. I promise."

I nodded at his unseeing form, curling my knees up to my chest. Dropping
my head to my legs, I closed my eyes trying to convince myself that
Angel was right. Every inch of my body ached for Doyle. My throat was
burning, and it hurt to swallow. I'll never get used to pain so bad it's
physical. It doesn't seem fair, isn't it enough that my heart hurts?

"Cordelia?" Angel murmured his voice laced with concern as he pulled
himself into a sitting position again. "Did you talk to him?"

"For a minute." I admitted quietly. "And don't even bother yelling at me
for it. I know we're supposed to be waiting for him." I lifted my head,
meeting his worried eyes. "But I don't think he's ever going to come to
us."

"He will." Angel said, but there wasn't any fight in his voice. He
slipped his legs over the side of the bed, leaning forward so his elbows
were resting on his knees. "What did he say?" He asked carefully.

I sighed, moving forward so that I was facing him. "Just that he
couldn't be around me." I paused, willing myself to have this
conversation without breaking into tears. "It's not what he says Angel,
it's how he says it. There's so much pain."

"It's hard Cordelia." Angel whispered. "He has to accept that he's not
human."

I flinched, hating to hear it in those terms. It seemed so much simpler
to me. He was Doyle. End of story. Except for the part where I said so
many horrible things about demons that I convinced him he was nothing if
he wasn't human. "I'm afraid he can't."

Angel nodded slowly, his fingers twisting together as he answered. "So
am I." He straightened, his hands stilling as he spoke again. "But I'm
not willing to give up."

"Never." I echoed. "We'll never give up." I smiled weakly at him,
grateful that he was with me, that there were two of us fighting to
bring Doyle back to us. I don't know if I would be strong enough to do
it on my own.

"And it's only been a few days." Angel said. "He's probably just getting
over the shock of us showing up."

"True." I nodded, "And once he's used to us being here, he'll start
talking to us."

"And then he'll listen when we tell him how important he is to us."
Angel continued, an almost smile twisting his lips.

"And he'll believe us." I added, letting Angel pull me along in a
fantasy I don't think either of us had total faith in anymore. "And then
he'll come home with us."

"And it'll be the three of us again." Angel finished, his smile fully
formed now. I met his eyes, seeing the doubt he was trying to hide from
me.

"Except of course, for Wesley." I teased.

"Right. Wesley." Angel muttered, "We can't forget Wesley."

"I can try." I offered brightly, then faded into silence.

Angel was quiet for a moment, before leaning over to grab one of my
hands in his. "It will be the three of us again. You, me and Doyle. It
is going to happen." His voice was low with emotion, and I felt my eyes
welling up.

"It is." I promised him back, pushing all my doubts away, for the minute
at least. "After all, I'm Cordelia Chase."

"And you always get what you want."

"Of course." I answered, smiling brightly at him.

Then we sunk into silence, lost in our own thoughts. My smile faded as I
crossed my legs underneath me, settling my elbows onto my knees and
staring at the wooden floor.

Maybe we were wrong to want Doyle to come back. Maybe I was being more
selfish that I had ever been in my 'it's all about me' days. He's free
on the island, he has a job, and friends, and he never has to worry
about hiding his face. If he came back to LA, he would have to. There
wouldn't be a job, other than helping Angel fight evil, and no friends
except for Angel and I.

Is it fair to ask him to come back? To ask him to spend his life in
hiding just so that I don't have to miss him? It's not; I know it. But,
I can't stop myself. I want him in my life; I want him to talk to, and
to smile at. I want to share things with him, and I want to know that
when I have a bad day, he's going to be there to make it better.

Most of all, I want to make it better for him. I want to erase every
last thing I ever said that made him hurt, and I want to see him smile
again, really smile, like he used to before.

And I'm afraid that there will never be enough time on this island for
that.


~*~*~*~*~

Doyle-


They wouldn't leave. I avoided them, turned the other way when I saw
them coming, did everything I could think of to let them know they
weren't welcome, and they stayed. Except for one moment of weakness, I
hadn't talked to them since Angel had taken me for his little nature
walk.

But I was always close to them. Every morning I woke up and promised
myself that I wouldn't hide in the shadows watching them that day, but I
always did. Angel knows I'm there, how could he not? And I know he could
find me, if he chose to, but for now, he's letting me hide. I might have
been grateful if I wasn't so torn between desperately wanting them to
leave and wishing the two of them would gang up on me and force me to
talk to them. It was hell, just having them near, hearing Cordy's
laughter from across the compound, seeing Angel helping one of the
elders repair his roof by moonlight. They seemed to fit in so well,
better than I did.

Cordelia really surprised me. Try as I might, I could never imagine her
here, blending in with the others, helping with dinner, and sitting
around the fire late into the night. She did though, and somehow managed
to look like she was enjoying it. Her skin browned from the constant
sun, and a splatter of freckles stood out on her cheeks.

I'm not sure if she knows I follow her; that I'm always hiding somewhere
nearby, unable to deny myself even one glimpse of her. Sometimes I think
she does. She'll stop what she's doing, staring in my direction, her
face such a mixture of hope and pain that I have to turn away. I think
in some ways, it's a worse punishment than denying myself the sight of
her. I watch her laugh as she plays with the children, and see the tears
that fill her eyes sometimes when she's talking to Reiff or Dryan. I'm
learning more about her than I want to, and everything I learn does
nothing but point out how wrong I was.

Like watching her with Beli. The little girl adores her, and Cordy seems
to adore her right back. She's always waiting outside when school is
out, walking home with the small child for lunch. I hide in the shadows
of the schoolroom, watching as they leave me alone again.

I weakened one day, needing to be closer to her than I could be in the
shadows. I stepped into the door of the schoolhouse, staring greedily at
her as she hugged Belina. She spoke to me then, and I panicked, the need
to run overcoming everything else.

I'll admit, I was surprised that she let me. She's not usually one to
let things go. But maybe that's her plan, to wait me out, knowing that I
can't stay away from her forever. Thinking that eventually I'll have to
admit that if she can accept the Javaran, she can accept me.

"Doyle?" Reiff spoke quietly slipping into the cover of trees that
sheltered me. "Why don't you join us?"

I shrugged, glancing at him quickly before turning back to watch Cordy.
One of the children was curled on her knee; Cordy's hand running
absently over the child's back as she talked intently with Dryan and
Angel. Her face was turned slightly from me, leaving me wondering if her
eyes were lit up with interest, or if she wore a plastic smile on her
face as she pretended to be as into the conversation as they were. "What
does she talk about?" I asked suddenly, the words slipping past the
walls I had built.

"You." Reiff answered quietly. "Mostly. She asks about the village too,
how we built it, how long it took, that kind of stuff, but mainly, it's
about you."

I closed my eyes as a burst of Cordy's laughter filled the air, the
sound echoing through the night. "And it makes her happy? What you tell
her?" My voice was bitter again.

"Sometimes." Reiff admitted, coming to stand beside me. "Sometimes it
makes her cry."

"Because of how I look." I whispered.

"Because of how you feel." Reiff corrected, laying his hand on my arm.
"She blames herself."

"It wasn't her fault." I said, spinning around to look at him. "She
can't think it is." I finished, hearing the desperation in my voice.

"Why don't you tell her that?" Reiff questioned. "And then why don't you
listen to what she's saying to you."

"Because she's only saying it because I'm her friend. She doesn't really
mean it."

Reiff shook his head, his frustration growing. "Do you even listen to
yourself? You don't make any sense. You admit she's your friend, you
admit she cares about you, but you still think that she doesn't accept
you?"

"You don't know her." I muttered defensively.

Reiff blew out a soft breath, releasing his hold on my arm. "I'm
starting to think it's you that doesn't know her."

"I know her." I whispered harshly, looking across the field as Cordelia
stood and passed the sleeping child she held to its mother. She crossed
her arms over her chest, hugging herself as if she were cold as the
woman walked away. She didn't move for a few minutes, her gaze soft as
she stared unseeingly in my direction. Finally Angel stood, his arm
going around her shoulder comfortingly as they sat down together. My
stomach tightened at their easy companionship, the unspoken way they
could communicate, and the comfort they gave so freely to each other.
Jealousy is an ugly emotion, and I was full of it. Not that I believed
for an instant it was anything more than friendship, more because it was
friendship. A friendship that I was supposed to be part of, until my
face got in the way.

"Talk to them." Reiff pushed gently. "Let them heal you."

"They can't." I answered blankly, refusing to look away from them for an
instant. "It's been too long, I don't know how."

"All you have to do is walk over." Reiff replied. "Let them do the
rest."

I took one step before I realized what I was doing and stopped. "It's
not that easy."

"Let it be." Reiff implored. "Just for tonight, let it be."

I swung my head around, meeting his eyes. "It won't change anything."

"Maybe not." Reiff admitted. "But it won't hurt any worse than hiding in
the shadows."

I didn't bother arguing with him, he may have experienced more than
anyone his age should have, but he still didn't understand. Being with
them was like being in the sun for Angel, something that you crave more
than anything, but will destroy you if you give into it.

I turned back to the fire, watching as the villagers slowly made their
way to their homes, leaving Cordelia and Angel alone. Their heads were
turned towards each other, the soft hint of their words floating on the
air. I took a few steps, almost unconsciously, stepping out of the
trees. Angel stirred as I did, his head rising up above Cordelia's to
look in my direction. He smiled tentatively, his face welcoming as I
took another step.

I was in the middle of the field when Cordy slumped against Angel, her
hands clenching her head as Angel held her. I froze, sweat breaking out
over my body as I recognized what was happening. And then I was running,
my feet flying over the ground until I reached them.

Dropping to my knees in front of them, I reached out for her, pulling
her into my arms without thinking about the repercussions. She came
willingly, her body curving into mine perfectly. I looked up; my eyes
narrow with anger as I met Angel's eyes. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"She didn't want you to feel bad." Angel whispered, his hand reaching
out to run soothingly over Cordy's back in the same way she had
comforted the child earlier.

"When did she get them?" I asked haltingly, resisting the urge to push
his hand away. Cordy snuggled tighter into my chest, her face warm
against my body.

"About a week after..." Angel's voice trailed off. His hand slipped from
Cordy's back, hanging limply at his side.

"Damn." I muttered, gently tilting Cordy's face away from my chest to
look at her. "Are you okay?"

She nodded, her face pale and drawn. "It isn't your fault." She
whispered quickly, her arms snaking around my back and holding me
tightly.

I couldn't fight with her. Not now, not after she had suffered something
that was meant for me. "Shhh." I murmured, reaching up to push the hair
off her face.

"What did you see?" Angel asked softly.

She grimaced, squeezing her eyes tightly shut. "Darkness. Water. It's
all a jumble."

"Give her a minute." I ordered Angel as I slowly released her. Angel
took her from me, helping her back onto the log as I stood. "I'll go see
if anyone's noticed anything strange." It was an excuse, and Angel knew
it, but he just nodded.

I managed to make it to the nearest house before I stopped, leaning
against the walls of the building as my knees weakened. Tears fell from
my eyes, and I couldn't stop them. I wanted to do more than cry, I
wanted to scream, and yell and hit things. I wanted to find the Oracles
and rip the sparkles from their faces. I wanted someone to hurt, like I
hurt, like Cordy now hurt.

Most of all, I wanted somebody to take it back. I wanted Cordy's life
given back to her, the life she had before I died. No, the life she had
before I suggested Angel give her a job. I'd rather she live in a roach
infested apartment, stealing food from parties than the life she was
sentenced to now. I wanted Cordy to be the shallow girl I met. I wanted
her to insult strangers, and look down on anyone who didn't wear the
right clothes.

I slid down to the ground, leaning my head back against the house as the
tears continued to fall. It wasn't fair. None of this was fair. I had
done the right thing, and not only did I lose my humanity, I stole some
of hers in the process. She was one of us now, a freak. The normal life
I had dreamed of her having wasn't anything more than that, a dream. She
wasn't going to get it, anymore than Angel and I were.

My tears finally slowed as numbness settled over my body. I climbed to
my feet, steadying myself on the wall. I didn't know what to do. How
could I apologize for something I had no control over, but that was my
fault anyway? How could she ever forgive me?

How could I ever forgive myself?

"Doyle!" Reiff's yell shattered the numbness around me, the worry in his
tone sending chills down my spine. I ran quickly in the direction of his
voice.

"Reiff." I shouted back as I approached him. He was standing between his
parents, Bydel's face red with tears. "What's wrong?" I asked as I
stopped in front of them.

"Beli..." Bydel choked out.

"She's missing." Reiff finished for her. "We've looked everywhere. We
think she must have wandered into the woods."

I froze, knowing that Beli's disappearance had to have something to do
with Cordelia's vision. There wasn't any way it was a coincidence. I
swallowed, forcing my face to remain calm as I spoke. "We'll go look for
her."

"It's dark." Keidan whispered his face blank with shock. "The woods are
dangerous at night. She's so little."

"We'll find her." I repeated, thankful that my voice sounded confident.
"I'll get Angel. We're good in the dark."

"We should all go..." Keidan began.

I cut him off, shaking my head. "We don't want anyone else to get lost."
I knew I should tell him about Cordelia's vision, but I couldn't do it.
It would terrify them.

I know it terrified me.